Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Clown Made Me Do It

RoadRage is mad tonight. You see, I didn't want to take my kids to McDonald's, and I told them they couldn't go. But then they asked again and again, so I told them no again--twice.

But they persisted, and since I have no backbone and never want to deprive my kids of anything their heart desires because it might hurt their little feelings and have destructive, life-altering ramifications for the rest of their natural existence, I gave in and brought them.

And now that I've done this for six years, my older kids are both around 40 pounds overweight.

I don't blame myself, though, or my kids. It's really McDonald's fault because they make good food at affordable prices and they also give away free toys in their Happy Meals, so what options do my kids or I have?

Does this scenario sound familiar to you? Because if it does, you are a complete loser and don't deserve to have kids, because you are unable to teach them valuable lessons about not getting everything their heart desires whenever they want it.

But, that's not the way the Center for Science in the Public Interest feels about it. They are threatening to sue McDonald's for including toys in their Happy Meals because the toys indirectly lead to childhood obesity.

"McDonald's marketing has the effect of conscripting America's children into an unpaid drone army of word-of-mouth marketers, causing them to nag their parents to bring them to McDonald's ... Once there, they are more likely to receive a meal that is too high in calories, saturated fat, added sugars and sodium," according to Stephen Gardner of CSPI in a letter to McDonald's brass. And of course if a kid nags, his parents can't say no, right?

This is ridiculous. Why should organizations like McDonald's have to put up with this crap? If people are stupid enough to continue to buy McDonald's Happy Meals because they want to get their kids the 25-cent toys included inside, why is it McDonald's fault that their kids are overweight? The answer is that it's not McDonald's fault.

I take my kids to McDonald's once in a while, because, as I mentioned, the food is good, and it's convenient. But, neither of my older kids are overweight because they actually exercise, and they eat other food that, get this, isn't made at McDonald's.

The CSPI should focus their efforts on more worthwhile endeavors -- with whatever it is they do. And, parents should put their collective foot down and show their kids that they are not going to get everything they want for the rest of their lives. They're called life lessons and people are forgetting how to instill them in their children, because why should they bother? Anything negative that happens with their kids is always someone else's fault, as the CSPI's lawsuit shows us.

CSPI, you suck! And, any parent blaming McDonald's for their child's obesity should take the money they would have spent there and go buy themselves a spine, so that they can stand up to their kids.

RoadRage

Friday, June 18, 2010

But There'll Be No Bananas (Ice Cream) Today...

About three years ago, Blue Bunny came out with a limited edition banana pudding ice cream. Next to eggnog ice cream, it was the best I ever had.

It was a glorious two months when I enjoyed Blue Bunny's perfect mix of banana ice cream, vanilla wafers and a swirl of vanilla cream...but its availability was all too brief.

Since then, I have stopped in the ice cream aisle at various grocery stores, taking a slow walk down the ice cream aisle to hopefully find another banana ice cream that is bland enough for a man of RoadRage's exquisite tastes. Ben & Jerry's makes Chunky Monkey, but it has walnuts, so that won't work, and every other ice cream vendor makes a banana split variety, but they mix in chocolate, strawberry, banana and pineapple together -- not a taste treat for RoadRage. Breyer's used to make a very good chocolate chunk-banana ice cream, and recently came out with a limited edition banana cream pie ice cream that was out of this world.

As soon as they put the banana cream pie ice cream out on the shelves, customers would pick it up, and I was lucky to find the two half gallons I did get to buy when it was available. It was a very popular flavor, but it, too, was gone way too soon.

My question is: why can't any of the dozens of ice cream vendors sell at least one good banana ice cream? There is limited space in the freezer case for ice cream, and instead of filling it with various flavors, like banana, they cram them with 18 fucking varieties of vanilla. Breyer's alone makes the following:

- Creamy Vanilla
- French Vanilla
- Natural Vanilla
- Vanilla, Chocolate Strawberry
- Extra creamy vanilla (what the fuck?!)
- Vanilla-Chocolate
- Lactose-free vanilla
- Homemade Vanilla
- Vanilla Caramel
- Vanilla Bean
- And, of course, Vanilla

The other brands have a lot of the same vanilla flavors, but Edy's (or Dreyer's) also added Double Vanilla to the line up -- ooohhh, exciting! Let's see some creativity here. It's like Forrest Gump and Bubba got together to run the entire ice cream business and when they were asked for flavor ideas they rattled off every kind of vanilla that came to mind.

I'm hopeful that at least one ice cream company will release a banana-flavored ice cream in the coming months, but I'm guessing before that happens, that I'll see Triple Vanilla in my grocer's freezer section.

Ice cream execs you not only suck, but you are a bunch of uncreative dumb asses -- except for Ben & Jerry's -- they get kudos for that new Boston Cream Pie -- it's fantastic! Everyone should go get some tonight.

RoadRage

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Second Coming, My Ass

It's amazing where you can find sucky people these days. They're almost everywhere you look.

Case in point: Tonight, I'm at home watching my two beautiful daughters, and I'm flipping around the channels to see what's on TV, since the Cubs can't keep my attention these days.

So, I turned to the National Geographic Channel, which had a special on about three different people who claim to be the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.

Now, I'm no Theologian, but something tells me if Jesus Christ came back to earth, he wouldn't be uttering comments like, "I'm pissed off." That just doesn't seem Christ-like to me. I'm guessing that he would be more theatrical, and pull a Howard Beale on us by yelling out, "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore." But, again, I'm no Theologian, so what do I know.

At least the foul-mouthed guy claiming he was Christ was actually poor, and seemed to live in a tented village.

The third would-be Second Coming of Christ is the one that really "pissed me off," to take a quote from, uh, "Jesus."

This guy is a multi- multi-millionaire out of the Philippines, who claims to have a worldwide following of more than six million people. He tells his followers that he was possessed by, or turned into, Jesus on April 13, 2005.

I forget what his name is, but he does a weekly television show. Before going on air, he has his hair done, and applies make up to make sure he looks all prim and proper...much like I guess the Messiah did before he took the five loaves of bread and two fish to feed 5,000 people.

I really can't stand people like this who prey on the morons that are all too numerous in this world and will follow anything that moves, but it may be the followers who make me even angrier. Why can't they figure out that if this douche was the Second Coming, that he wouldn't be telling them to give him their money, and he wouldn't live in a mansion.

You know, earlier this week a statue of Jesus in Ohio was destroyed when it was struck by lightning. Why couldn't it have been this asshole instead? I know, not a real Christian attitude, but I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore.

RoadRage

Cloudy With A Chance of Stupidity

While the Blackhawks regale the city of Chicago with it's "Where's Herb?" version of the Stanley Cup, new Cubs team owner is using all the attention to push through his agenda of socially awkward marketing ploys.

First, as the Hawks and Flyers went skate-to-skate for the Cup, up went the new Toyota sign behind left field without much fanfare. If you've paid any attention to the Cubs this year, you know the issue of adding a glowing UFO beyond left field has been the bane of Rickett's existence in his genesis year with the Cubs.

Sure, he could have left well enough alone with the Toyota banner, but this is a man on a mission. A mission to turn Wrigleyville into his own version of "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs," starting today with the unveiling of the Wrigley Noodle, a huge piece of Kraft Macaroni-and-Cheese (or Cheese-and-Macaroni as it were). In my day, the unveiling of a Wrigley Noodle typically meant relieve a few inning's worth of Old Style or screams followed by a quick arrest. But in this case Ricketts has outdone himself and is demonstrating through subtraction just how much John McDonough meant to the Cubs and its marketing.

Ricketts? You suck this time, my man. Hm? Hm? Alright!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Hey AT&T, thanks for Looking out for Me, I really appreciate it

Thank god for big companies like AT&T, which care more about common schmoes like RoadRage than they do about turning profits.

Last week, AT&T announced that it's eliminating the unlimited Internet data plans they use for cell phone customers to introduce new plans that would bill its customers based on how much data they use.

At first, RoadRage was skeptical of this announcement, fearing that AT&T was pulling a fast one on Joe Customer, so that it could charge people more money, but it turns out that I'm just naive.

You see, AT&T has given a thorough explanation of why they are introducing these new data plans. And, they don't want to charge me more money; they just want to give me more data for less money.

Now, instead of paying $30/month for unlimited data, I'll get to pay only $25 for two gigabytes of data -- basically the size of transferring one full length movie in standard definition.

Thank you AT&T! I would have had to pay a whole $5 more a month to watch as many live baseball games and movies on my phone as I wanted to every month. But now, I'll have to keep an eye on my data usage, so that I don't go over the allotted two gigabytes and be forced to pay $35 (or more) a month, thanks to your new data plans. I can see that you genuinely care for my financial well being.

If I'm not mistaken, the primary reason companies are in business is to make money, so why don't the jag bags over at AT&T just say that they are introducing these new plans to increase their profits, and not tell me they care about me, the poor customer, who's paying too much for unlimited data?

Even though I write negatively about people, I know that most of them are not stupid, and they realize that AT&T is just trying to line its pockets with more revenue. If you treat me like an idiot, I am more likely going to stop being a customer than if you start charging me more money. So just be straight with me.

And, now that AT&T has set a precedent on data usage, watch for cable to follow suit. Another humanitarian, Time Warner Chief Executive Glenn Britt, commented on the move saying, "Some people use less, so they should pay less." What a guy. Another top executive who wants me to save more money.

Now, if Britt and AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson can be so kind as to go fuck themselves, I'd greatly appreciate it.

RoadRage

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Hey IHOP, Stop Clowning Around!

When I was a young RoadRage, I had a few simple pleasures. I'd play baseball in the summer, drink eggnog at Christmas and eat my foil-wrapped Ding Dongs whenever I could get my hands on one.

Coming from a family of ten kids, I rarely had the opportunity to go to restaurants, but when I did, my favorite place to go was the International House of Pancakes.

As far as I knew, IHOP was the only place I could go where the blueberry pancakes were made with the blueberries on top of the pancakes and cooked inside as well. Borrowing from Dairy Queen, they were Scrum-diddily-umptious!!

IHOP remained my restaurant of choice well into my teenage years, but then ... things changed. Instead of using high quality ingredients, the chain decided to work on the cheap; changing to cheaper ingredients, reducing the portions of the food they served, and gone were the blueberries inside the pancakes.

And worse than that, the attentive staff that used to greet you and cater to your every need didn't seem to care whether you ever ate there again.

Case in point, a few years ago, I went to the IHOP in Niles, IL, and ordered strawberry crepes. When I bit into them, the strawberries were still frozen. I complained about it to the manager, who tried to tell me that they were supposed to be frozen. What!? This is the manager of the restaurant who had no idea how pancakes or crepes were supposed to be made. I told him I wanted them taken off the bill, and he refused. So, I was done with IHOP for a long time. Why would I go back to a restaurant that didn't give a shit about its customers?

Fast forward to Christmas 2009 (yeah, I'm a little behind). IHOP introduced new eggnog pancakes. Ahhh...they were matching two of my favorite foods together, and I couldn't pass up the opportunity. Unfortunately, IHOP hadn't changed their ways.

On the commercial, there was a huge dollop of eggnog cream in the middle of two thick, fluffy pancakes -- a tempting sight for anyone. But the reality was much different. As the waitress made her way to my table with my order, I could see two skimpy pancakes, with nothing in the middle, and I thought there had to be a mistake. She arrived, I lifted the top pancake to find a layer of eggnog cream that looked like it was lightly spread on with a butter knife. I smelt the cakes, and there was definitely a hint of eggnog, so I figured it was the right order -- they were just skimping, as usual. So, I asked the waitress to bring out some extra cream on the side. It helped, but they were still crap.

As I was leaving IHOP, for what I'm guessing will be the last time, I noticed a sign that said that Patsy the Clown was appearing there every Wednesday night from 6-8.

And, there in lies the problem. Rather than relying on quality customer service and serving great-tasting food, IHOP has decided to adopt cheap gimmicks to try to attract customers. From employing dumb ass clowns, that probably are entertaining for anyone ages 3-4 1/2, to offering $2 kids meals for free, they've forgotten why people enjoyed going to IHOP in the first place.

So, IHOP, stop clowning around and get back to the basics -- start focusing on what made you great in the first place and stop being the cheap bastards you have turned into. Until then, it's Walker Brothers for me.

RoadRage