No, You Have a Magical Frickin' Day!

Aluh-kazoola, zippity-doola, bippity-boppity-boo! Put 'em together and what do you got? Hell on earth!

Orlando and Disney, aka the "Happiest Place on Earth," is not the right place for a person of RoadRage's disposition. I just returned to my stomping grounds and couldn't be happier.

I had a quick trip to Orlando for a conference I was attending. It was held at a resort on Disney's property, and the moment I stepped off the plane my trip sucked.

It took me an hour to get my luggage and find my transportation to the conference.

First, I was thinking of taking a cab -- but that would have cost me $70. Next option: the Magical Disney Express -- a free bus ride from the airport to Disney. Great! Except you have a two-and-a-half hour wait to get on one. So, I go with the last-ditch option -- the $20 shuttle. The shuttle was fine, but of course, my hotel is the last one on the route -- five stops before hand meant I reached my final stop 2.5 hours after my flight arrived. Good times!

After that, I had to go do some work, and when I came back to my room, I thought I would try to do some more. But, no such luck -- the resort had no wireless access. That makes sense...Epcot Center, home of Future World, is on the same grounds as a resort stuck in 2002.

Then to end the night, I wanted to order a late dinner. I called down to room service at 8:50 and was on hold until 9:10.

Zippidy-doo-dah, zippity yay! How I love wasting my en-tire day!

The next day was filled with work, so Disney couldn't make my day suck -- that is until dinner.

I tried finding a good place to eat, so I did what most hotel guests do -- I went to the concierge. I asked for a good place to eat and was promptly told that everything was booked if I didn't have a reservation. Thanks for the help, chief. Much appreciated. Glad you know how to do your job.

I took a magical 45-minute bus ride to Downtown Disney and found a place with ample seating, and finally had a good time at Disney.

So, of the 48 hours I had at Disney, I had one hour of good times. Thanks for the magical week Disney -- you suck!

RoadRage

Disney -- Your Safety is Not Our Concern

When you're worried about the safety of a loved one who is staying at a hotel, you better hope they aren't staying at The Dolphin in Orlando.

During a recent stay at The Dolphin, Smails' wife went MIA. Typically she would call first thing in the morning or on her way to her morning meetings, if for nothing else, to check in on her child. When that call did not come through and calls to her cell phone and hotel room were not answered, I became worried.

So, what did I do? I called hotel security at The Dolphin and told them the situation. All I wanted them to do was to check her room door records to see if she had left the room that morning. They told me they couldn't give that information—duh—and I told them I didn't want it, but I just wanted them to check. They said they would call the room and would call me back.

I waited 30 minutes... Nothing. So I called the Dolphin Keystone Cops again and got the same runaround. "We called her room, but there was no answer," officer Doofus said. I told him I know that, and that was the reason I called them. I had requested on my first call for someone to just go to her room, knock on her door, see if she is there. The response? "I have to wait for someone else to come to check the room."

This charade went on for more than two hours! In that time span, the crack security team at The Dolphin never called me back, acted completely nonchalant about the entire thing and, in my summation, proved that guest security is not a high priority.

On my final call, which was more than two hours since the first call, the guy told me, "Oh, I forgot to call you. We checked her room and there was no one there."

That took two hours? What if she had fallen in the shower and was in need of help? What if she was injured and couldn't get to the phone? What if she was a diabetic and had gone into a coma?

The Dolphin, you have failed. I understand there are privacy issues with giving out room information. I wasn't looking for that. All I wanted was for someone to check her room to see if she was OK—a process which should have taken 10 to 20 minutes tops. But it took you two hours. I hope plenty of people get the word about this and choose to not stay at your property on their Disney vacation.

The Dolphin—Not Jumping Through Hoops for Guests Since 2008

Judge Elihu Smails