No Way Around it ... Jeff Kent's a Dick!

I was a fan of the Dodgers' Jeff Kent for a long time. On the field, he reminds me a lot of my favorite player -- the Chicago Cubs' Ryne Sandberg. He's a great hitter and plays for the team and not for himself. He's not as good in the field, but he's above average.

The only problem I have with Jeff Kent is that he's not a mute. If someone could just take the power of speech from him, he'd be a decent guy -- instead he uses his words to take down baseball's icons and to say things that can only be described as moronic.

A couple of years ago, during the height of the steroids scandal, a reporter was speaking with Kent about it to get his thoughts -- big mistake. Rather than talk about what was happening at the time, Kent decided to unleash his genius. Paraphrasing here, but he basically said that baseball players might have been using steroids for a long time, and to support his asinine analysis, he said that people should look at Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth. They put up monstrous numbers, so they probably did steroids.

Good theory, dumb ass. I guess that's why Gehrig ended up getting ALS and Ruth died early from throat cancer -- so I guess Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro and everyone else suspected of doing steroids over the past ten years should worry.

Both Ruth and Gehrig were just great ball players and didn't need anything to enhance their ability -- just a stupid comment.

Before this genius comment, Kent's mouth got him into trouble when he was in violation of his contract. He broke his wrist in the off season, saying he did it while washing his truck, but it later turned out that he was doing wheelies and other stunts on his motorcycle (so cool!), even though his contract required that he not drive his motorcycle.

The latest round of Kent stupidity involves Hall of Fame Dodger announcer Vin Scully. On his radio show, Scully observed that Kent was doing better at the plate since the Dodgers acquired Manny Ramirez. To anyone else who knows anything about baseball, that would make sense, because if you have one of the best hitters in the game hitting behind you, you're going to see better pitches because pitchers won't want to walk you with Manny on deck (you get it?).

To Kent, though, this was an affront to his athletic ability and the years he put in to improve his game, so he went after Scully verbally, saying he talks too much. Yeah, I guess he does. Since he has served as the play-by-play guy and color commentator for virtually every Dodger broadcast for the last 50 years, that does take a lot of talking. But guess what, Jeff, when he talks he actually makes sense and people are interested in hearing what he has to say. Because, unlike you, he's right most of the time and he's entertaining.

Kent, for the sake of all of us, please keep your trap shut and just play the game. I don't want to hear any rants from you about why Willie Mays and Ted Williams sucks.

Kent, you suck!

RoadRage

Is that IDOT or IDiOT?

RoadRage hit the road on his day off today, and for once it was an enjoyable ride. Why? Because I was driving in Wisconsin, where they know how to handle a road construction site.

I was driving down Route 50 in Kenosha and drove near a construction zone. Instead of closing one of the lanes on the two-lane road seven miles before and after the 50-foot construction zone, the road was down to one lane for about 200-feet.

Traffic wasn't held up at all, and the construction workers had plenty of space to get their work done.

This isn't unusual. On RoadRage's trips across country, most states follow this technique -- they even do it that way in Central Illinois. But, for some reason, the Illinois Department of Transportation (IDOT) feels it necessary to stall traffic for hours on end in and around Chicago by unnecessarily closing lanes for miles on end, even though there is hardly any work being done -- ever -- and the work area covers very little ground.

The people at IDOT, which I prefer to call I-D-I-O-T, can improve the quality of life for thousands of people in the Chicago area by using common sense and ceasing to unnecessarily close roads off for no good reason, but they will never do it because they can artificially inflate their annual budgets by having more roads under construction.

So, for that, they can all got to hell!

RoadRage

Chivalry Crosses Gender Lines, Ladies

Since welcoming our little bundle of judgy joy to the world this past spring Smails and wife have accustomed ourselves to having the little monkey with us wherever we go. Here I thought as a guy that it would be a difficult transition for me to make my way around town with a buggy in front of me, but it actually hasn't been all that big a deal—as long as I'm not waiting for someone to hold the door for me.

I was brought up with chivalry and respect big parts of my social development. When on public transportation I will give up my seat to an elder, female, or parent with kids. If someone drops a belonging I am quick to gather it up for them. I say excuse me as I pass people in my row at Wrigley. I hold the door open for people.

So where is the reciprocity, ladies. In the past few months, I have had several situations where I have had little Smails in her stroller or car seat and have yet to have one person hold the door for me—including wifey Smails. The highlight was having the door actually closed on me by women twice, at the same mall. I'm sure they saw me, because I was right behind them and had to catch the door on one occasion before it hit the side of the stroller.

Can you imagine the looks and possible tongue lashing Smails would have gotten had the door knobs been turned? I mean, these were not elderly or less-fortunate women, where Smails would have to put the task of holding open the door in that chivalry hierarchy of 1) old people, 2) women, 3) man with baby in stroller....

I'd like to blame George Bush for this, but that's just because I think he is total asshole and that just wouldn't be the right thing to do. Wait, I'm a judge! I can do whatever I want. Excellent. The following is intended to be tongue in cheek, but when you think that our administration has fostered an environment of bullying and "you're on your own," it may be closer to the truth than we know.

Bush, here is another way you've ruined our nation. You could have stopped with decimating the national budget surplus, prostituting the lives of thousands who died on 9/11 to push your illegal war, employed the most treasonous person since Benedict Arnold, or even with making fun of a blind guy wearing sunglasses, but that wasn't enough. Now, thanks to you, no one holds the door for anyone. When all is said and done and you're back to shoving copious amounts of blow up your nose and dropping beer kegs on your head, you can look back on your legacy and say, "Ah. Those ladies sure left that Smails guy unawares, didn't they? Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. Sniff!"

The man is a menace!

Judge Elihu M. Smails

Look Out -- Here Comes the Bill-ster! Tee-hee-hee...

I think everyone knows at least one person who thinks they are the next Chris Berman -- making up nicknames every time they hear a person's name or greet someone.

If you don't know Berman's M-O, he is a play-by-play man and sometime sports news anchor who works with his writers to give every athlete a wacky nickname. So, Rollie Fingers turns into Rollie "Chicken" Fingers; Roberto Alomar become Roberto "Remember the" Alomar. His shtick got old about 15 years ago, yet guys still try to emulate him, coming up with their own zany nicknames.

The only problem is, that most of these copycats don't have a creative bone in their body.

So, you have to sit there listening to these dufuses call your friend Bill the Bill-ster, or your colleague Ted the Ted-ster. Can you follow this humorous stream of thought? You just add the term "ster" to anyone's name and you got a fail-proof way to amuse your buddies, be the life of the party and ensure that everyone will think that you are a comedic genius. Boy, oh boy, that's top-notch comedy. And, when you hear it 30 times a day from the same ass clown, the hilarity just keeps building!

If there was any justice in this world, people like this would suffer frequent bouts of laryngitis to give the people around them a small, merciful break.

RoadRage-ster

Hey Dumbass, You're Not Michael Phelps!

I guess it was inevitable. Michael Phelps' record-setting Olympic appearance has spawned a bunch of Michael Phelps wannabes.

I have been swimming regularly for about a year now to stay in shape and to build up my endurance for my running habit. I suck at swimming, and no matter how much I do it, I'll never get better -- but that's alright, I'm not going to be swimming in London in 2012. Unfortunately, others aspiring people are starting to train now.

Case in point: I went swimming earlier this week at my gym, affectionately called the Third World Gym for its deplorable upkeep, and as I was wrapping up my half hour swim, in comes a guy whose flight from Beijing apparently just landed at O'Hare. Out of shape, he was wearing Speedo shorts, a Speedo head cap, goggles, a nose plug and ear plugs. I get out of the pool with my running shorts on, and no other high-tech swimming gadgetry, and the guy looks at me, and gives me a look like I'm a single-A player suiting up for a game with the Yankees.

Give me a break. If this guy is so great, why is he swimming at my Third World Gym? And, even if he is a good swimmer, why look down at others who are trying to improve themselves? People like this make me sick.

Hey buddy, next time you want to take a dip, why don't you get an Olympic size pool built in your back yard and swim there, so you don't have to deal with mere mortals like myself ... you prick!

RoadRage

Got Leash? Then Use It, Dickweed!

I love dogs. Always have and probably always will. As a responsible dog owner, when my dog is outside with me, he is on a leash. Even if he were trained enough to walk with me without a leash, there is no way I would go leash-free in the city.

So why is it that so many dog owners out there have to prove how well behaved their dogs are by walking them in the city without leashes and letting them roam the parks free of any sustainment? The law says you have to keep your dog on a leash. The lakefront park where we regularly walk our dogs just last week had signs posted all over about people walking their dogs in the park without a leash.

The lesson learned? None.

Last night I was walking my dog through the park to check out the lake and there they were—packs of dogs running free. One of the dogs, seeing my dog with me, took off from his owner and approached my dog, which led to that dog jumping my dog. If the owner had not run over and interceded, it could have been ugly, but it should not have happened in the first place, and most likely it will happen again.

I understand that dogs are dogs. Some just don’t get along with each other. So rather than treating them like people, dog owners need to remember THESE ARE DOGS!!!! They have no impulse control, no reasoning abilities, no worries about getting into a fight.

This is where we as upright walking mammals with opposable thumbs and voting power need to be responsible and walk our dogs on leashes. It’s not like you don’t have or can’t afford one, because you are always holding it in your hand. You’ve just forgotten that vital step of clasping it to the collar.

All it takes is an opposable thumb.

Hm? Hm? Alright!

Judge Elihu M. Smails

It's all about you and your spawn

Couldn't believe this one yesterday. I went to lunch with a new co-worker as part of her orientation. We decided to go to Potbelly because they have some outdoor tables and it was a gorgeous day.

Everything was moving along fine. Ordered my sandwich, got my chips and cookie, paid at the register, got my cup for the fountain drink. And that's when I ran into yet another person who sucks.

When I got to the soda dispenser, the only one in the restaurant by the way, what do I find but an enormous baby stroller parked right in front of it. The damn thing was about the size of a '53 Buick, and was blocking access to every type of drink. The guy in front of me sort of reached around the thing to get some ice and his drink. Not me, though. I just grabbed the handle and pulled it back out of my way so I could use the fountain normally.

How ignorant is it for that lady to just park the thing right in front of the dispenser? Why not park it next to your table so it's at least out of the way for the rest of us? Or better yet, since this is the suburbs and the restaurant is no more than 50 feet away from parking, how about leaving the fucking monstrosity in the car? I'm sure Junior can get by walking for 50 feet. If you need a place for a smaller child to sit while you feed your face, try a baby seat. You can put it on the seat right next to you.

Ol' Ty had small children once upon a time, and he never would've thought to inconvenience the rest of humanity in the way you did lady. I know you think it's all about you and your spawn, but it's not. Take one of the quarters you got back after paying for your sandwich and buy a clue.

Jay Mariotti Resigns!

Woo-hoo!!! Thanks Jay, you just made the Sun-Times worth reading again!

RoadRage

The Fighting Honkeys of Illinois?

I was sitting at lunch today with a few friends of mine from work. Two of them are graduates of the University of Illinois, and we started talking about the Chief Illiniwek, and how the alumni are still upset about the school not being allowed to have him as a mascot.

I went to Illinois State University (the poor man's Illinois), but I share their pain. All the hassle the school received to get rid of the Chief seemed unwarranted, especially considering the fact that there are millions of fans who follow the Atlanta Braves, Chicago Blackhawks and Washington Redskins. And, even in the college ranks, Florida State fans still cheer on the Seminoles.

When they came after the Illini, the politically correct sect made cries of racism, and said that the school was being insensitive to American Indians. But, if they ever listened to the student body or the alumni, they would never have heard any racism or derision in reference to the Chief or the Illini nation; on the contrary -- their mascot was revered and honored.

The fight to get rid of the Chief started years ago, and I remember back when I was in school that activists walked the ISU campus to hand out pamphlets. I was given one, and I opened it up to see what they had to say.

Inside, they had a made up list of team names -- I don't remember the specifics, but basically, it asked something like, "How would you feel if your team was known as the Peoria Honkeys? Would you cheer on the Bloomington White Men?" There were make believe pennants with different white guys on each -- and then at the end it asked -- "How would you feel?"

As I was looking at it, I thought, in all honestly, I would care less. It really wouldn't bother me in the least. And, I'm guessing that if you asked the same question to most white folk, they'd feel the same way.

You remember at the beginning of the Olympics when everyone was up in arms about the Spain basketball team posing with slanty eyes for their team photo to poke fun at the Chinese -- a lot of people in the US were enraged at the incident. Then, they asked the Chinese for their reaction, and they really didn't care.

I thought it was offensive, but at the same time, I think this country is way too "politically correct." Everyone is offended by everything -- and if they're not, the ACLU will step in to make sure they are.

Bottom line, people should worry about more important things and go after people who are truly racist. Give the Illini their Chief back!

RoadRage

Did You Hear the One About the No-Hitter?

As a Cubs fan, going from Jack Brickhouse to Harry Caray was an amazing time for me. Jack's voice, knowledge and exuberance for the team introduced me to Cubs broadcasts, and Harry, well he became something bigger than the game while still allowing the game to be bigger than him. Following Harry's death, Chip Caray took over and never grew on me. I understand that first season had to have been hard for him, replacing his iconic grandfather in the booth, but he went way over the top in trying to find his niche and in over-over-over-dramatizing things.

When longtime color man Steve Stone took his Ryno sabbatical, we had to deal with "That's tit for tit," Joe Carter, who, thank God, left as fast as he came.

When Chip and Stoney left following the 2005 season, a season in which both announcers were physically threatened by Cubs players for their criticism of a team that played poor baseball, I was sad. Not as much for Chip, who honestly has grown into a decent play-by-play guy, but more for Stoney, who now does color for White Sox radio.

Their exit ushered in a new team of Len Kasper and Bob Brenly--Brenly having done the radio side for the Cubs some years ago. It took a couple seasons for Kasper to grow on me. He's kind of nerdy, could blow away in a 15-mile-per-hour breeze, speaks more innuendos than a high shool drama team and defends the Cubs, until this year, at every turn. He knows the game, its ins and outs, ups and downs, what makes players tick, how they should be positioned, etc. He has made this known on several occasions when asking Brenly pretty good questions, rather than, "What do you do here, skip?"

So with all that baseball knowledge, how could Kasper regularly break the Golden Rule of not talking about a no-hitter during the game. This hasn't happened once or twice; it's been a handful of times the past two seasons, the most recent being Rich Harden's outing August 19, against the Reds. Harden had a no-no heading out of the fourth inning and Kasper just had to keep dropping his hints, including an "Atta boy, Mark!," when De Rosa made a great play at second to end the inning--Jack made a similar call in Kenny Holtzman's no-no in '69. He's also gratuitously pointed out the box scores between innings, drawn attention the the 'H' columns, etc., during other no-hitters way too early in the game.

Len, we understand that some people don't believe in jinxes, so if you want to have that mantra, fantastic. Just keep it off the air. Cubs fans are not idiots. We watch the game and understand what is going on. We also know not to ever talk about a no-hitter until we can all jump up and celebrate it.

You're trying to make yourself bigger than the game, and also the fans. Let the story be told on the field and no matter how excited you may be about something, respect our history of misery. Maybe coming from the Marlins, who doused our fire in 2003, you just don't get it. If there is a time for you to get it, now is it. And if you can't, let's move Pat and Ronny to a TV/radio simulcast with Brenly.

If you're looking to spoil something, go ask Plesac about the guys he's blown. Woo-woo!

Hm? Hm? Alright!

Judge Elihu M. Smails

Joe Morgan, Why are You so Stupid?

Joe Morgan showed his idiocy during ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball once again.

For whatever reason, Morgan has a grudge against the Chicago Cubs organization, and he continues to go out of his way to make himself look like an idiot, just so that he can rip on the team.

A few weeks ago, Morgan said that players "back in the day" used to refer to the basket in front of Wrigley Field's bleachers as "Banks' basket," insinuating that Ernie Banks's homerun total (of 512) benefited from having the basket out there, because he was apparently a light hitter. Too bad Joe didn't realize that the basket wasn't put in front of the bleachers until 1970 -- 16 years after Banks started his career and seven after Morgan started his career. I'm guessing a handful of Ernie's homers might have been aided by the basket, and that's probably being generous.

Morgan has also consistently ripped on Cubs second baseman Ryne Sandberg for the past 20 years, for no other reason than jealousy. Morgan has made it to every Hall of Fame induction ceremony since he was inducted more than 20 years ago, save one -- 2005 when Sandberg was inducted.

Tonight, Morgan took on the 2008 club in a one-off discussion with play-by-play man Jon Miller, who mentioned that the Arizona Diamondbacks, the Western Division leaders, would be 12 games behind first if they were in the Central division, chasing the Cubs. Joe's quick wit (he said the following as he laughed) showed when he responded by saying that the Diamondbacks would be closer than that in the Central because they wouldn't be playing the tough teams in the Western division as much. While he was laughing, he was completely serious, as he preceded to explain himself. As usual, Jon Miller didn't call him out for his inaccurate statement.

Hey Joe, check the frickin' stats before you make these asinine comments. The Cubs were 23-10 against the Western division this year, and the entire Central division is 20 games over .500 when facing the Western teams (95-75). Meanwhile, the Diamondbacks are 18 games above .500 versus other teams in their division and 12 games below .500 when facing the rest of the league.

Joe, why don't you quit your vendetta against the Cubs organization and assume the role a national broadcaster should have -- i.e. one with no bias, you wing-flapping prick! Or better yet, why don't you just do us all a favor and quit already. You don't add anything to a broadcast and you're not in the least informative. Once Rick Sutcliffe starts feeling better, you should abdicate your seat to him and go back to Cincinnati, so you can broadcast with fellow Cub hater Marty Brenneman.

Joe Morgan, you suck!

For yucks, visit www.firejoemorgan.com to see hilarious commentary on Morgan and other idiot broadcasters like Tim McCarver (who once said "look at Darren Daulton wearing his mitt like a glove.").

RoadRage

May the Forks be With You .. or You Can't Eat

As you can tell, RoadRage is in a sour mood today, and it really started on Friday when my wife called me on my way home from work.

Apparently, my son was at school on Friday and had forgotten to bring in some plastic ware, so that he can eat the lunch his mom sent with him to school.

So, my son asked lunch lady Doris if he can have a fork -- her answer was no, because he hadn't ordered a hot lunch. Rather than give my son the one-cent fork, so that he could eat his meal, Doris would prefer he go hungry (and this was a particular messy meal that could not be eaten without a fork).

No matter that my wife has been volunteering her time for the last seven years to help out his and our daughter's teachers; has gone on countless field trips to chauffeur, and has spent money at every book sale, bake sale and every other event the school has hosted over the past seven years to raise money.

Until I get a written apology from the school and the lunch lady, my wife will not be doing any volunteer work and instead of spending money on the upcoming school events, we'll be buying plastic ware so that my son doesn't have to go hungry at school.

I guess that sounds like I'm blowing this thing out of proportion, huh? Yeah, maybe you're right...

No, screw 'em ... if they don't have the common decency to help their students, why should I care? I know that a good portion of the money we raise goes to assist those in our district who our less fortunate than us, and I'm all for that -- just start giving all the students some common courtesy, you cheap bastards!

RoadRage

Catholic Church has Forgotten the Golden Rule

My dad works at a Catholic church as a custodian, and this week has had to go to work early to attend sensitivity training courses. A good portion of the class deals with educating the adults who work at the school about appropriate and inappropriate ways to interact with the students at the school.

It's a great idea, and the Catholic church should have incorporated it decades ago. There's only one problem -- the priests at the school are exempt from attending.

That's right. The Catholic church, which has had to pay millions to the families of kids who were previously molested by priests, says that the one group that has been convicted the most for inappropriate interactions with students is exempt from the courses.

It's like the federal government requiring all of their employees to attend a session on the perils of drinking and driving, except for those who have been charged with a DUI. It's ludicrous.

I am a Catholic myself, and things like this are getting pretty tiring. Priests charged with crimes are sent to other churches to get them out of harm's (the law's) way, half-hearted apologies are issued to families who don't feel it's right to sue the church; and then there are things like this happening.

Meanwhile, the Catholic church sits there and wonders why attendance and more importantly, donations, are dwindling. As far as attendance, parishioners are tired of hearing the endless stories about sexual predatory priests, and the reason why donations are down is because parishioners know that much of the money they give will be used to fund the livelihood of those priests who have sexually assaulted children, or to pay for the lawsuits being filed.

I still attend church on a regular basis with my family, because I feel the lessons of the Church are still important, and that the priests are flawed, not the Church. Those in the Church need to start following the Golden Rule, and do unto others as they would have done on to them -- and that means that priests should start attending these courses now.

RoadRage

#4 Suckiest Person -- Saddam Hussein

It's bad enough when you kill innocent people outside your country (and Saddam has been blamed with more than a million), but when you turn on your own countrymen (and women), you're even suckier.

Many dictators have done this throughout history, like Joesph Stalin, but I'll pick Saddam to represent the lot of them.

A friend of mine says that Saddam shouldn't be considered on this list, saying he was backed by the US government, but I disagree. I don't believe that our government had a role in the murders he committed against his own citizens or his own son-in-law.

I am not a war monger by any stretch of the imagination and I don't tend to beat the drum for the current administration for the war in Iraq -- but one thing is certain, Saddam Hussein had to be removed from power. The atrocities he caused in the Middle East are reason alone for him to be included on this list, but like I said, when someone is believed to have killed hundreds of thousands of his own people, it's beyond evil.

As I tick off the remaining people on this list, they are pretty much interchangeable, since they have all tried to turn the world into a living hell, but the reason I'm writing about Saddam today is that I just came across this quote in my "Uncle John's Triumphant 20th Anniversary Bathroom Reader" (The Bathroom Reader is a great series of books with quick facts on anything and everything):

"I am sad because my people are in bondage. If I drink water I will have to go to the bathroom and how can I use the bathroom when my people are in bondage." -- Saddam said that when he was speaking with US interrogators, speaking of the occupation of Iraq by the US.

Yeah, I guess it is a lot easier to shake the dew off your lilly or take a crap when you know you're people are dying, not "in bondage."

I just wish the US would have offed Saddam 15 years earlier when we had the chance, so that we could have saved more lives.

RoadRage

Wanna Commit the Perfect Crime? Start Chowing Down, Tubby

When I saw this news item come across the wires this afternoon, I about crapped my pants. As it turns out, there truly is such a thing as the perfect crime: eat your way out of a prison sentence.

Mayra Rosales of Edinburg, Tex., was indicted recently for killing her two-year-old nephew, but the local sheriff is perplexed on how she will make it to court, when her ample carriage can't squeeze through the front door. Even if they were to get her out of the house, she would most likely die in the court room or prison cell because she requires constant medical attention.

I am typically a liberal fella, but when it comes to child killers, I have absolutely no patience, so I say get Bob Vila out there to knock down an exteroir wall, load her half-ton ass onto a house mover and roll the blob to court. If you have enough in you to kill a child--something I still can't do the math on considering a kid wouldn't exactly need a quick getaway from her--and you can eat yourself into oblivion, you can face the court system the same way any other person would.

The problem with this case is that because we are such a lawsuit-happy country, no one wants to have any sort of liability for Simba's health or death if they were to move her in any way. So the thing that will most likely happen is that she will be placed under house arrest, where she can while away her days eating Bon-Bons, watching her stories and washing herself with a rag on a stick.

Gotta go. My kid just filled her diaper. Gotta down some Twinkies and gravy.

You'll get nothing and like it!

Judge Elihu M. Smails

Urinal etiquitte

Ol' Ty is really on a rampage this morning. So many morons, so little time.

This rant has to do with guys who don't know the basic etiquitte involved in using a urinal. I'm not talking about missing the thing completely -- that's a whole other problem. I'm talking about which one to go to when there is a choice.

The basic laws of urinal etiquitte state that if there are more than three urinals and none are being used, you go to the one on the left or the right. Either is acceptable. But never one in the middle. If the one on the right is being used, you go to the one on your left. Again, never the one in the middle. If there are many, you expand these options out. The object is always, always to keep your junk as far away from the junk of everyone else. You only stand next to someone if there is simply no other choice. Everyone knows this, and the rules have probably in place since the only choice men had was to pee on trees (aka God's urinals).

Yet we have a guy in our office complex who doesn't seem to get it. He always goes to the middle of three as though it has his name on it. (And no, his name isn't Koehler.) There's nothing like walking and seeing him in the middle while the two outside posts remain unoccupied. Worse yet is when I am using the one on the right and he walks directly to the one in the middle, completely bypassing the proper choice, which is on the left.

How could anyone not understand this concept? Personal space is important to all of us. Personal space at the urinal is critical. Ladies, be glad you have individual stalls and don't have to put up with suckiness like this. Unless you go to certain Dairy Queens, I guess.

Move in, round boy

Let me start this by stating that I'm not exactly a small guy. I'm quite aware of it, and while not happy about the situation I don't appear to be able to order the house salad at Portillo's when there's a beef sandwich calling me from the kitchen.

That being said, it simply amazes how many fat guys seem to be blissfully unaware of how much space they occupy at any given time. Apparently they missed any discussion of basic physics in fifth grade science class. The reason I say this is yesterday I was actually at Portillo's, trying to make my way to a table with RoadRage and a few others, when I hit an impass. Some ginormous dude had plopped his fat ass down and was overhanging a seat that was right in the aisle -- despite the fact there was another seat just a 90 degrees away that would've taken him completely out of the way.

Not only did he sit there, but as I approached with my bag o' goodness he never even made a token effort to inch his way forward so I could get through. He reminded me of the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail -- None shall pass. The person on the other side of the aisle, who was normal-size incidentally, did try to scoot in as best she could, but it was still a tight squeeze. I managed to get a leg through, then the other leg, and proceeded on my way.

Fat guys, listen up: stay out of the traffic lanes in restaurants, bowling alleys, movie theaters, rock concerts, and other public locations. Find an out of the way seat for your blubber and leave it there. We'll all be a lot happier.

Road construction whoes

We are in the heart of the summer and road construction season,and although it is easy to complain about 2-3 major roads being redone at the same time that makes it take forever to get anywhere,that's a whole other show.What Mum-ra wants to know is what suck hole got rid of the hot sign chicks and replaced them with 300lb. guys.I mean It takes forever to get through the zone so I would like to view the skillful work of the hot chicks and not ass crack jack.

Abe Lincoln Must Be Spinning in His Unmarked, Hidden Grave

While on a jog through the Capitol Mall in Washington recently, Smails's path took him by some of the most beautiful monuments and sites in the country. The Capitol, the Smithsonian buildings, the Washington Monument, the Korean War and World War II Memorials, The Wall, and The Sespool?

That's right, I said The Sespool. What was once known as the Reflecting Pool and even was waded through by Jenny and Forrest Gump in the film Forrest Gump has turned into the District's stepchild. While trying to maneuver through the attack geese and dodging all the goose shit on the ground, if you look to the pool, you will notice it has turned to a green goo. Making matters worse, I saw an empty beer can, beer bottles, food wrappers and even an orange traffic cone.

If this was a one-time occurrence, I would just be mad and think that maybe it really gets that dirty once a week or month, but I was in D.C. a year ago and the pool looked the same.

How is it that no one has filed a complaint card or made mention of this enough to get the National Parks Service to skim their pool? It's absolutely disgusting that in a stretch of some of one of the most spectacular views--looking down to the Capitol Building from the top of the Lincoln Memorial steps--is ruined by the square tar pit at the foot of the stairs.

Maybe there is a dead duck stuck in one of the filtration units, or perhaps the pool boy was busy schtooping one of the Bush twins, but none the matter, it's time to fix the problem. This is our nation's capitol and supposedly one of the most respected grounds there, dedicated to possibly our best president. Give him something respectable to gaze upon.

Hm? Hm? Alright!

LaGuardia – Major Hub, or Roach Hotel?

This is Smails’ second time through LaGuardia in the past two months, and when I thought things couldn’t get any worse than the last time, with its uriney smell and perpetual construction zones, it has outdone itself.

While grabbing a bite to eat at the US Airways terminal food court, I wasn’t as much shocked to not be able to find a clean table to sit down and eat my lunch, but rather by the cockroaches crawling on the counter of one of the restaurants. Suffice it to say I am leaving LaGuardia hungry and a little creeped out.

How piss poor are your sanitary codes that roaches are crawling on the counter at one of your food court restaurants? If the little buggars have made it up to daylight and are scooting about the counter, God, what are things like under the floor, let alone back in the kitchen areas?

I wouldn’t be surprised to find roaches walking around with impunity at a third world airport, but at the number two airport in The Big Apple? Maybe LaGuardia is a third world airport.

On the flip side, I can probably thank LaGuardia, because after this showing, I will never eat airport food again, which can’t exactly be bad for my health.

Lave Sus Manos, Scumbag!

So, I get to work this morning at 7:00 a.m. and head right to the restroom to take care of my morning business.

A construction crew's in the building this month to work on a new office, so we have to deal with some extra traffic in the loo. That part's not too bad, I just go to the other floor if the stalls are taken. But, what got me today was when I walked in to the bathroom, one of the guys was just leaving the stall. He comes out, and just keeps walking -- no pit stop to wash his hands, just kept on going. Nice. So, now I'm forced to either stay in the bathroom until someone comes in and I can jump out while the door is open, or I have to grab some paper towels to pull open the door.

I don't understand how people can do that. They're in there wiping their ass, putting their fingers in one of the dirtiest places imaginable, then they don't have the common courtesy to simply wash their hands?

There's a law that employees in restaurants and stores must wash their hands before leaving the bathroom. I used to think why is there a law -- shouldn't people just assume that they should wash their hands rather than spread E. coli bacteria or some other disgusting germs? But now, I think I'm going to start lobbying for this to be a law everywhere. They should also install sensors on the door that won't allow you to vacate the premises unless you lave sus manos -- unless of course there's a fire.

Next time one of you have the feeling that you don't want to clean up after picking the corn from your ass, please have some decency and wash off last night's dinner before heading out to work, so I don't have to start wearing gloves everywhere I go.

For those of you who don't know how to properly wash your hands, enjoy this instructional video that I found on YouTube:



RoadRage

Shouting stupidity

Mum-ra was reminded of sports fans that suck.When I'm watching an event either live or on TV the last thing I need are phases that are apparently awfully amusing to everyone but me. During a baseball game the great line of "swing" just as the ball is pitched. Or this gem in golf, "get in the hole"when Tiger is 602 yards away. Should I continue? Have you stopped laughing at this comedic genius? The hockey game is getting close to the end of either the period or game when a brilliant fan wants to know what the time it is, so he shouts "what time is it?" just then the P.A. guy announces 1 minute left in the period. Then the fan thanks the P.A guy. Wow a sports event and a comedy club.

Like the shirt says SIT DOWN SHUT UP AND DRINK YOUR BEER.

A Fonzie Statue-umundo?

Big news today out of the city of Milwaukee. They have just erected a statue of the Fonz. Aaaaaayyyyyyy ... this is just another sign of how far our society has fallen-umundo.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of the Fonz. I grew up watching Happy Days and made it part of my usual Tuesday viewing, until Ted McGinley came along and ruined the show.

It's just a sad commentary about the United States and the low standards we have for today's heroes. In addition to the statue of the Fonz (Henry Winkler) in Milwaukee, there's one of Mary Richards (Mary Tyler Moore) in Minneapolis and Rocky (Sylvester Stallone) in Philadelphia.

Generations before us were building statues for true American heroes like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Benjamin Franklin, et al. And, now we have statues for the Fonz? C'mon ... what's next a statue of Mr. Kotter in front of the New Yankee Stadium? Or how about a Tim Taylor statue in the heart of Detroit?

In the future, I hope that cities will consider erecting statues for those who truly deserve it; like our nation's military heroes, police officers and fire fighters who put their lives on the line every day to protect us -- not those who help Richie Cunningham avoid getting into a rumble. Aaaaayyyyyyy!!!!

RoadRage

Guest Blogger: Papa Smurf

Believe it or not, I am an avid fan of the People Suck blog. I think it's the Smurfiest thing on the Internet. RoadRage and his Smurfy cohorts really struck a chord with me, because like them, I think people Smurf.

I guess since I'm a Smurf and not a human, you can call me a racist ... well go ahead. I'm Smurfing mad, and I'm not going to Smurf it any more!

I actually only really know one human and he's a real mother Smurfin' Smurf hole. I don't know if you have heard of this Smurf clown, Gargamel, but he and his cat Azrael just live to ruin Smurfs' lives.

It seems like every week, we Smurfs are trying to escape some hair-brained scheme he sets up to trap us. Who the Smurf knows what he's going to do to us if he ever catches us, but I fear for little Smurfette. I mean, think about it ... here's a guy who lives by himself in the forest with his cat. Who knows? Maybe I should worry more about Brainy or Hefty Smurf.

For the past 50 years or so, we have had to put up with Gargamel, and every once in a while we get to turn the tables on him. Unfortunately, our masters Hannah and Barbera won't let us kill him when we have him in our tiny blue grasps.

Well, Hanna and Barbera can go to Smurf! The next time I cross paths with Gargamel, he's going home in a body bag. I'm going to Smurf his Smurfin' tongue out of his Smurf and Smurf it up his Smurf. Then I'm going to take a Smurf and Smurf him in the Smurf, just so I can hear him Smurf before he Smurfs.

Papa Smurf

Get Out of My Personal Space, Jackass!

Before my morning run today, I was reminded once again why People Suck. I arrived at my usual forest preserve, and was waiting to take a drink out of the water fountain before getting started in the 80-degree heat.

I waited for a few minutes while this guy soaked his shirt with water, drained it (over the water fountain no less), and continued to cool himself off with his wet t-shirt.

I finally got tired of waiting in the car, so I went to the fountain, and excused myself, so that this jerk would get the idea that I wanted to get a drink. I go in for a sip, and Joe Athlete determines that's the perfect time to stretch his left leg, by putting it right on the water fountain -- never mind that there was a park bench about two feet away.

RoadRage behaved himself, and somehow found the restraint not to punch this guy right in the face. I think I was just struck by the irony that I write this blog on almost a daily basis and I continue to run into people that truly suck. It's almost funny, but it isn't.

It takes me back to when I used to ride the train to and from work every day. I'd sit in the second level of the train, all the way in the back in a two-seater facing the front. In front of me, there was a row of eight to 10 seats facing sideways, and invariably the next person on the train would sit in the seat right in front of me -- leaving the other seats empty for most of the ride.

And then, when I go to church, there is one pew where a family of three has just enough room to kneel when it is called for during the mass. There is room for three more people in the pew to sit without knee rests, and it seems like every time I try to sit there with my son and daughter another family of three comes and sits right next to us -- forcing us to move away from the kneelers. Meanwhile, the four (larger) pews behind us are empty -- so, instead of pointing out their selfishness in church, the RoadRage family moves to the pew right behind.

I don't understand how some people can be so inconsiderate of others. As you can see on this blog, I think a lot of people suck, and even if I wanted to bring myself to treat other people like this, I couldn't do it -- but everyday I run in to dumb asses who don't think twice about treating other people like shit just to make things slightly easier for themselves.

My main gripe here is that nobody respects anyone else's personal space (which I experienced at the grocery store tonight, but that's another story for another blog post). Do RoadRage a favor. The next time you come into a church, theater or any public place and there's one guy sitting there by himself or with his kids, please show some common courtesy (and common sense for that matter), and sit at least two rows behind them. RoadRage is getting angry!

RoadRage

Smokers suck

This is probably not news to anybody, but smokers really suck. They are all about their filthy, disgusting habit, and most have no consideration for the rest of us.

The latest incidents to trigger this rant came when ol' Ty and his wife took a brief vacation to Myrtle Beach, SC. This is a very nice area along the Atlantic Ocean, with lots of beachfront and a nice, warm ocean in August.

The first thing that torqued me off happened when we were walking along the beach, looking for a place to park our new beach towels. There was some ass clown smoking away on the beach. No ashtray, no consideration for others, no nothing. While the rest of us saw beautiful beach, apparently this joker saw an ashtray you can sit in. When he finished puffing, he just put his ciggie butt out in the sand, and left it there for the rest of the world to enjoy. As the time wore on I saw other smokers performing this same ritual. As we walked the beach we saw all kinds of remnants of smokers. Disgusting.

The other incident happened poolside. We'd had enough sun for the day, but not enough salt sea air. So we settled in on a couple of deck chairs, well away from everyone else. Sure enough, some lardbutt woman with the nasty habit sits down in the next row of chairs, upwind from us, even though there were plenty of chairs down the row and to the left of where we were. As she puffed away, the smoke made its way straight into our nostrils. Ah, nothing like a trip to flavor country.

When she finally finished, she put the cigarette out on pool deck and left the butt there while she continued to sun herself. I'm sure that's where it remained until the hotel staff came through with a broom and dustpan.

Smokers whine all the time about infringement of their rights -- how they can't smoke in office buildings, bars, restaurants, etc. anymore. Well, there's a good reason for it. Because you're pigs.

Smokers, you suck.

Aqua the Clown, You Suck!

I don't know how many of you have had the displeasure of going to the Tommy Bartlett Show in the Wisconsin Dells, promoted as the Greatest Show on H20, but if you haven't and plan on going, get ready to see the suckiest clown on H20, or anywhere else for that matter.

His name is Aqua the Clown, and he makes it easy for me to understand why some people are afraid of clowns. In fact, I think a visitor to the Tommy Bartlett Show has been credited with coining the phrase "ass clown" in his honor.

Clowns are supposed to make you laugh, and I'm guessing that's what the people behind the Tommy Bartlett Show thought Aqua would do, but in reality, he makes a decent night of entertainment for the kids a living hell for any grown ups who come out to see the show.

Lake Delton, home to the Greatest Show on H20, is now dry land thanks to torrential rains that broke a local dam and caused the lake to drain. Vacation homes in the area were washed away, businesses that have thrived for years are now struggling to stay alive. But the saddest part of it all is that the Tommy Bartlett Show has lost all of its water acts. What's left is a sound effects comedian, jugglers and our friend Aqua, who works to entertain the crowds with all of his zany antics.

The only problem is that Aqua's act is not that zany. In fact, its mind-numbingly stupid. Meager crowds come in to see the show, where barren land covers the landscape instead of beautiful Lake Delton. It's a dismal site to behold, and Aqua only makes it worse.

I can't blame people for going to see the show to try to help the community survive, as I'm a big fan of the Dells area myself, but if you are looking for a night of entertainment, you'd probably have more fun staying at home and sticking a fork in your eye than you would watching Aqua T. Clown's dumb ass shenanigans.

RoadRage

Get Me Some Warm Donkey Droppings!

In ancient Egypt, doctors used to prescribe warm donkey droppings to those who had sore eyes ... and that's exactly what I had after leaving the most recent Cubs game I went to.

Have you ever been to a game where the drunkest guy in the park has to remind everyone that he's the ultimate 10th player; the #1 fan of the team? That's what happened to me last Sunday when the Cubs eked by the Pirates to win the rubber game of the series.

This ass clown (not pictured) was under the impression that everyone around him had forgotten how to cheer on the Cubs. So, what do you do in a situation like that? Apparently, you flail your arms up and down, do a 360 and tell everyone within shouting distance to get up and start cheering.

Gee, thanks monkey boy. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do in that situation, but now that you mention it, I should stand up and start clapping. Thank you for showing me the error of my ways.

Since the Cubs have a good pitching staff, the next pitch was ultimately a third strike or ground out, so Chester assumes that it is all his doing and proceeds to gallop up and down the stairs between are two sections high-fiving everyone in sight. "You did it man! You did it! You're the best Cub fan ever! Way to go!"

If you read this blog regularly, you can see that RoadRage gets infuriated by just about anyone, but guys like this make me want to stick a fork in my eye and end all my misery. One of the most enjoyable things in the world for me to do is to go to a Cubs game at Wrigley Field and see the Cubs win a game when it actually matters, but all that's ruined when I have to deal with dumbasses like this guy.

For all of you 10th players out there, the next time you go to a Cubs game, please understand that the majority of the other fans in the stadium know how to stand up and put their two hands together to cheer on their team. So, sit there and do the same and stop annoying the shit out of everyone. And, I hate to break it to you, but the fact that you carry on like a moron the whole game isn't what's leading the Cubs to victory. People like you make me think Lee Elia was right.

RoadRage

Tribune COO: So You're Fired. Stop Whining!

The newspaper industry is hurting right now. As more consumers turn to the Internet for information, publishing companies continue to struggle to figure out the best way to capitalize on the advertising dollars that are increasingly moving online.

Who ends up paying the price for these inefficiencies? Quality newspaper reporters who are losing their jobs in staggering numbers. There maybe no higher profile writers facing the unemployment line than those at the numerous Tribune properties, including the Chicago Tribune.

Crain's Chicago Business reported today that the Tribune is going through another round of employee cut backs, and 80 newsroom personnel are expected to leave the company.

This is a terrible time for anyone to be losing their job. For newspaper reporters, though, I'm guessing that it's even harder for them to find work, as newsrooms around the country are scaling back their workforce. Men and women who have spent their whole lives dedicating themselves to reporting are now shown the door, and they have few alternatives to pursue their passion; unless, of course, they are open to significant pay cuts.

The current economic downturn is taking a toll on all businesses, and I am guessing (hoping) that Tribune leadership investigated other avenues before deciding to trim down their news staff. So, I don't want to take them to task for making this move.

My issue is with the way it was handled. Check out what COO Randy Michaels had to say about the departing employees in an interview with Tribune reporter Manya Brachear:

When asked if this was a sad occasion for the paper: “We are not running a museum. We are running a business in a time of increased competition and economic hardship.” Then asked if this is a time for mourning, Michaels said, “We should grieve for those who have been downsized. We should NOT be mourning the loss of anything else.”

What a nice guy. Makes me wonder when Michaels is going to release the hounds to make sure the old Tribune employees vacate the premises.

Michaels, I'm amazed that you can negatively impact the welfare of so many people's lives and the well being of their families and not have a care in the world. But, I'm guessing you received, or will receive, a handsome bonus for this restructuring. So, go buy another ivory back scratcher, sit back and screw yourself, you frickin' tool.

RoadRage

Arrest This Man!

Take a good look at this mug to your left. This guy's been going all over the country stealing people's beer, and nobody seems to care just because he wears a Miller High Life uniform.

His M-O is that he comes in to someone's home or business and asks a question to determine if the people drinking Miller High Life actually appreciate that they are drinking beer, and are living said "high life."

In case you are stupid enough to fall for this scam: Just because someone works for the corporation that makes the product you purchased doesn't mean they have the right to confiscate it from you if they don't believe you have the proper amount of appreciation for it.

If that were the case, I would start going around to people's houses with a Microsoft shirt on, ask the homeowner if they know who the main character is in Tomb Raider, and if they don't know, I'll just take their Xbox 360 and walk out with it. Of course, if I did something like that, I would expect to either get shot in the back as I left the house, or to get a visit from the cops when I made it home.

Of course, I'm kidding around. I'm picking on the series of Miller High Life commercials that are written on this premise ... I just think the ad campaign sucks and is worthy of being blogged about on this post.

Does Miller really care who drinks their beer? I'm guessing their investors would love them to sell beer to anyone they can, even if they are underage or have been living on the streets for 25 years and don't have enough money to buy a day's meal, let alone a piece of the "high life."

I hope that in the next commercial in this series that this guy gets put behind bars, and Miller stops supporting corporate representatives who discriminate against their customers.

That's what I'm talking about!

RoadRage

Aw Duuudddeee ... $600? I Paid $16 Last Time

With the headline above and the photo on the left, you would think that this post addresses cocaine-dealing scumbags. But, that's not the case. I'm attacking a different group of criminals -- the pharmaceutical industry.

There was an interesting story in Friday's USA Today, in which reporter Julie Appleby takes the pharmaceutical industry to task for unbelievably high increases in the cost of medicinal drugs.

In her article, Julie points out that Questcor Pharmaceuticals raised the wholesale price of a medicine that treats spasms in babies from $1,650/vial to more than $23,000, and that another company, Ovation, jacked up the price of a tumor treating drug called Cosmegen from $16.79 to $593.75.

Meanwhile, Abbot Laboratories continues fighting litigation for jacking up the price of its patented AIDS drug Norvir by 400 percent in 2003. Norvir is part of a cocktail treatment, i.e. it is used with other drugs in order to be effective. The health of AIDS victims came as an afterthought to Abbott, which wanted to dominate the AIDS drug market with another alternative treatment they had -- by raising the price of Norvir, the price of the cocktail skyrocketed, leaving the door open for patients to ask for the cheaper alternative.

While Barack Obama talks about hitting the oil industry with a windfall profit tax (good idea, by the way), the candidates have to go after the pharmaceutical industry as well. They have been put to the back burner as oil has taken center stage, but the impact high costs of medicinal drugs is having on the economy is even more dramatic. Much of the price increases are covered by insurance, which has led to higher insurance rates for all Americans, and now many of them are opting out of buying insurance because it's too expensive. It' a downward spiral that will continue until someone has the balls to stick up to these criminals.

I hope you execs at Abbott, Ovation and Questcor enjoy your riches now, because your money will be worthless in hell.

RoadRage

I'm the Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth Now That Bernie Mac Is Dead

This blog posting was going to have the same title but be about John Edwards career. Who woulda thunk it that when Smails woke up this morning to post his blog, he would see the news item that Bernie Mac would be dead? Lucky Smails.

Why am I so lucky? Not only was he in no way funny, he also dissed the Cubs in the 2003 NLCS when he sang the seventh inning stretch in game six, calling out, ".... for it's root, root, root for the champs! Champs!" Following that call, the infamous meltdown happened. Bartman interfered with Alou, Gonzalez bobbled a sure double-play ball and Prior disassembled his brain on the mound while Dusty sat watching it all like it was a TV show of his or something.

From that moment, Bernie Mac replaced all the Steve Garveys, billy goats and black cats in Cubdome. If it's true that celebrities go in threes, there are two Steves I know of who may be a little bit nervous today.

I sure as Hell hope to God my Saturday night Three Stooges shows aren't replaced with a Bernie Mac Show marathon.

Fare thee well, Bernie Mac. You left us so little; you left us not soon enough.

Alright!

Judge Elihu Smails

Nicor Tells Customers to Bend Over

RoadRage is in a foul mood tonight. The wife told me earlier this week that our electric bill jumped almost 300 percent in July compared to how much we paid in May -- even though we were on vacation for an entire week last month.

Now, we just received our Nicor Gas bill, and that bill jumped from $53 last July to $191 this July. We have been on the budget plan for the last three years, and since January, we haven't paid less that $100/month once.

Since the oil companies are getting away with price gouging, all the other utility companies are coming to take their piece of the pie. The high cost of electricity is mind-numbing enough, but the exorbitant prices Americans are paying for gas right now are completely unjustifiable and criminal.

Let me explain why I'm so pissed and why I feel Nicor should be investigated. First off, numerous industry analysts and news media have reported that the nation is flush with natural gas reserves. Gas companies are practically swimming in the reserves they have, and there's more to come over the next several months. Check out this quick report from CNNMoney for a brief explanation.

If you follow that link, you'll notice that the nation is so flush with natural gas that the state of California has legislation under consideration that will create tax incentives and provide government funding to develop cars that run on natural gas -- that's right, we have so much natural gas that there are some, including T. Boone Pickens (who developed the much ballyhooed Pickens Plan) who believe it can end our dependency on oil. So, the supply and demand claims that Nicor and other natural gas providers will make won't hold water.

Also -- surprise, surprise -- Nicor just reported quarterly earnings this past Monday, and profits in the last quarter increased 61 percent. They brought in 64 cents/share, compared to expectations of 28 cents/share. Yet, they are working with the Illinois Commerce Commission to increase their rate of return. Yeah, I guess a 61 percent profit increase isn't enough, when many American people are struggling to make ends meet, to pay their mortgage or to put food on the table for their families.

As the nation's political leaders continue to make up excuses for the current recession, not one of them is putting real pressure on the oil industry or the utility companies to change their ways. If they are left alone to continue their raping of the American public unabated, we will soon fall into a depression. But, again, who cares; as long as the utilities and their investors continue to get richer and richer.

RoadRage

The company water bottle

This is another one of those little annoyances that shows how selfish and ignorant people can be. In our office we have one of those water coolers with a bottle on top. As you might expect, the bottle is not supplied directly by an underground stream, so at some point it will run dry.

Now, normal common courtesy would dictate that if you are the person that takes the last of the water, you will replace the bottle with a new one. Wouldn't you think? Yet often when I go to get some water it's bone dry. What is up with that?

What people also don't seem to realize is how these things work. The water from the bottle runs into a reservoir in the machinery, where it is cooled (or heated if you want hot water). It isn't automatically cool while it sits in the bottle. So if some lazy jerk runs the bottle AND the reservoir out, the poor schmuck (me) who gets stuck changing the water bottle also gets the pleasure of getting lukewarm water.

Yeah, sure the bottle is heavy. Maybe too heavy for some people in the office to lift -- especially those who complain about having to carry a small bag of groceries in from there car. If that's the case and you run it out of water, go find someone who IS capable of lifting the bottle and putting it in place. Don't just walk away.

Cold water is not a right, it's a privilege, people. We all share the responsibility for it. If you can't be bothered to do your share, use the tap. That one never runs dry.

Get Off Your High Horse and Pick Up Your Crap!

I'm an avid runner, so I spend a lot of time in forest preserves. Along the running trails, you frequently see signs telling people to pick up after their pets. So, why do horse owners feel this doesn't apply to them?

I pass people walking their dogs all the time, and they always either have pooper scoopers or bags to pick up for their pets after they are done doing their business.

And as I pass these dog owners while they dispose of the half pound of crap their dogs release, I have to keep my eyes on the trail, because chances are that I'm going to run into a 20-lb dump left behind by one of the horses taken out for a quick trot.

I used to think that maybe the rule didn't apply to horse owners, because maybe the manure was picked up by the forest ranger, or someone with the forest who uses it as fertilizer. But, that's not the case. Sometimes, the same pile of feces is left behind from the time I start running in April, until it's done decomposing in the middle of summer.

And, now, I'm left thinking that the only reason that the "pick up after your pets" rule might not apply to horse owners is because their rich. Why should they have to bother getting off their horse to clean up after themselves? I'll tell you why, you frickin' rich bastard...because after finishing the first 15 miles of a 17-mile run, I don't want to have to serpentine like I'm dodging bombs in a minefield, you pompous ass!

RoadRage

And You Think YOU F*&$ed Up At Work Today?

It turns out, two Berwyn Heights, Md., police officers, hot on the trail of a marijuana cartel, busted into the house of their mayor and shot his two black labradors to death. After the dust had settled and the pooches had been taken away, police came to their senses and realized that the mayor and his wife had been the victims of a hoax by the dealers, who dropped a 35-pound box on the mayor's front steps, which, thinking it was for his wife, he brought in when he got home from work.

Once inside, the officers busted down the door and in the process of restraining the mayor, his wife and mother-in-law shot their two black labs, neither of which had shown any aggression and one of whom was running away when it was gunned down. When the mayor identified himself, not only did they laugh it off, they handcuffed him to the bed... in his underwear... with his mother-in-law.

I can essentially go to work tomorrow, get hammered drunk, burn down the building and try to put it out with my own wee and still come out rosy compared to the two boss-arresting dog killers.

Man, is there a cop downgrade worse than security guard?

Judge Elihu Smails

We're Being Invaded! By Mexico?

When did our country go so bad that Mexico would think about invading us? Well, if I carry the two, it looks like somewhere around November 2000, but that is up for debate. Talk amongst yourselves.

For tonight, we have breaking news, people. Mexico has invaded the United States! I wish I was shitting you right now, but I am not. Didn't we secure "The Homeland" after 9/11? Guess not.

Earlier today, the Mexico Army came across the border and--get this shit--arrested one of our border patrol troops. What, did Bluto Blutowski become president of Mexico (It would make sense, considering we have our own underdeveloped frat boy protecting our borders.) when I was sleeping? According to sources close to the U.S. border patrol, instances like this happen all the time, but our government turns a deaf ear to it. What the hell?

So you're telling me that while we are pulling our weiners out of an illegal invasion of a sovereign nation which has cost our country and our next of kin trillions of dollars, the Mexico Army can just walk across the border and hold one of our border patrol agents at gunpoint?

As with any colossal fuck up under the blind guise of this administration, we will ignore it, because we have other worries on our minds, like not being able to afford gas to get to work, exploding grocery prices to feed our families and our homes being taken away from us because of the mortgage crisis. And for those who aren't impacted by this crisis, you have the PR-driven press conference of President Chump telling China how to treat its people, which is tantamount to Ike Turner giving a course on domestic violence prevention.

Great job, Republicans. You've done it again!

Judge Elihu Smails