When I saw this news item come across the wires this afternoon, I about crapped my pants. As it turns out, there truly is such a thing as the perfect crime: eat your way out of a prison sentence.Mayra Rosales of Edinburg, Tex., was indicted recently for killing her two-year-old nephew, but the local sheriff is perplexed on how she will make it to court, when her ample carriage can't squeeze through the front door. Even if they were to get her out of the house, she would most likely die in the court room or prison cell because she requires constant medical attention.
I am typically a liberal fella, but when it comes to child killers, I have absolutely no patience, so I say get Bob Vila out there to knock down an exteroir wall, load her half-ton ass onto a house mover and roll the blob to court. If you have enough in you to kill a child--something I still can't do the math on considering a kid wouldn't exactly need a quick getaway from her--and you can eat yourself into oblivion, you can face the court system the same way any other person would.
The problem with this case is that because we are such a lawsuit-happy country, no one wants to have any sort of liability for Simba's health or death if they were to move her in any way. So the thing that will most likely happen is that she will be placed under house arrest, where she can while away her days eating Bon-Bons, watching her stories and washing herself with a rag on a stick.
Gotta go. My kid just filled her diaper. Gotta down some Twinkies and gravy.
You'll get nothing and like it!
Judge Elihu M. Smails
You'll get nothing and like it!
Judge Elihu M. Smails
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