Chivalry Crosses Gender Lines, Ladies

Since welcoming our little bundle of judgy joy to the world this past spring Smails and wife have accustomed ourselves to having the little monkey with us wherever we go. Here I thought as a guy that it would be a difficult transition for me to make my way around town with a buggy in front of me, but it actually hasn't been all that big a deal—as long as I'm not waiting for someone to hold the door for me.

I was brought up with chivalry and respect big parts of my social development. When on public transportation I will give up my seat to an elder, female, or parent with kids. If someone drops a belonging I am quick to gather it up for them. I say excuse me as I pass people in my row at Wrigley. I hold the door open for people.

So where is the reciprocity, ladies. In the past few months, I have had several situations where I have had little Smails in her stroller or car seat and have yet to have one person hold the door for me—including wifey Smails. The highlight was having the door actually closed on me by women twice, at the same mall. I'm sure they saw me, because I was right behind them and had to catch the door on one occasion before it hit the side of the stroller.

Can you imagine the looks and possible tongue lashing Smails would have gotten had the door knobs been turned? I mean, these were not elderly or less-fortunate women, where Smails would have to put the task of holding open the door in that chivalry hierarchy of 1) old people, 2) women, 3) man with baby in stroller....

I'd like to blame George Bush for this, but that's just because I think he is total asshole and that just wouldn't be the right thing to do. Wait, I'm a judge! I can do whatever I want. Excellent. The following is intended to be tongue in cheek, but when you think that our administration has fostered an environment of bullying and "you're on your own," it may be closer to the truth than we know.

Bush, here is another way you've ruined our nation. You could have stopped with decimating the national budget surplus, prostituting the lives of thousands who died on 9/11 to push your illegal war, employed the most treasonous person since Benedict Arnold, or even with making fun of a blind guy wearing sunglasses, but that wasn't enough. Now, thanks to you, no one holds the door for anyone. When all is said and done and you're back to shoving copious amounts of blow up your nose and dropping beer kegs on your head, you can look back on your legacy and say, "Ah. Those ladies sure left that Smails guy unawares, didn't they? Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. Sniff!"

The man is a menace!

Judge Elihu M. Smails