When they say turn off your electronic devices, they mean you too, asshole!

If there's one thing I can't stand in this life it's people who think they are better than everyone else and thus don't have to follow the rules.

This situation came up recently when ol' Ty was flying for business. We were sitting on the tarmac waiting to push off from the gate and start the ride home after a long day of meetings. As I kicked back to ponder the act faith it is to blindly put my life into the hands of a bunch of strangers, the guy in the seat next to me was busy working his BlackBerry the way a hooker works a john when he's just looking for a $20 handjob.

As we were sitting there, the announcement came to turn off all electronic devices, including (especially?) mobile phones. But Mr. BlackBerry just kept right on going, scanning through his email. They announced it again. Still no change. They announced that the cabin door was shutting and this time they really meant it -- turn off those devices. At this point Mr. BlackBerry turned off the phone part (I think), put the device low in his lap and started playing some game. I kept waiting for one of the flight attendants to grab it out of his hand, or at least reprimand him verbally in front of the others, but nothing. Finally, when we were ready for takeoff, he stuck it in his pocket so the flight attendants couldn't see it -- even though it was still on.

WTF? What part of "turn it off" did this clown not understand? I know that one solitary BlackBerry won't take the plane down, otherwise we wouldn't be allowed to carry phones on board in the same way we're not allowed to bring pen knives or pointy sticks. But still. Do you really want to take that chance?

More to the point, what makes this guy so special he thinks he can ignore the request to turn it off while everyone else complies? I never saw him answer a single email, and it was pretty obvious he wasn't a brain surgeon consulting on an operation to save the life of a four year old child in Zimbabwe. Just another business clown who thinks he's important.

Listen, when they ask you to shut it off, shut it off, asshole. Period. End of discussion.

I also have an idea for the FAA on how to stop this behavior once and for all. You make the announcement, and you give fair warning that in five minutes the plane will send out a pulse that will permanently damage all electronic devices that are still left on. Then you actually send out the pulse and take 'em all down. You know you can do it. Just equip your planes and send out the pulse. People will snap to a whole lot faster.

Put things away when you're done using them

This post is directed at my immediate family. All of them seem to think it's perfectly ok to take a tool or household gadget from one room to the next, use it, and then immediately drop it wherever they happen to be. That way, when the next person needs it, nobody knows where it is. They do it on a daily basis.

It happened again just last week. My daughter was getting ready for her senior prom, and the ribbons on her corsage were too long. She wanted to cut them, but none of the three pairs of scissors that normally sit in the can that holds pens and such were there. I know my wife left one pair at the hair salon where she took my daughter. But that still left two pairs MIA. I finally found one after the fact sitting buried on a kitchen counter, where it was undoubtedly used to open a frozen pizza.

That's not the worst part, though. When stuff like this happens I get mad. I keep telling all the rest of them "Put things away when you're done using them and we'll be able to find them when we need them." Seems like sound advice to me. But I'm the asshole because I get mad and "nag" them about it.

I do have a new policy for my own stuff, though. If it's not where it belongs, and I can't find it in five minutes, I just go buy another one. I'm tired of playing "hide 'n' seek" with my stuff. Got a nice, new hammer that way. My wife, her mom and her sister used my old one to tack up signs for a garage sale (another waste of time, in my opinion) and then stuck it in a box later instead of putting it back on my workbench where they'd found it. So I bought another one. I now have two. Hopefully that means at least one will be available when I need it. I am still missing several screwdrivers.

So to my family, none of whom will learn to be responsible with things, I say you suck.

Perez Hilton's Anti Anti-Gay Rhetoric is Appalling

Like me, I'm sure anyone reading this blog didn't watch the Miss USA Pageant this weekend. But, something interesting actually did happen. Apparently, the Miss USA Pageant has turned into a political primary for the 2012 presidential election.

After you judge pageant contestants on how good they look in swimsuits and evening wear, and find out how talented they are, how else can you judge their beauty? By asking the bombshell contestants heated political questions. It makes perfect sense.

This format lead to "celebrity" judge Perez Hilton (term used loosely), aka Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr., to ask Miss California, Carrie Prejean, if she believes that gay couples should be able to legally get married. What Mario wasn't ready for was for Ms. Prejean to actually have an educated, formulated opinion that differed from his own.

Prejean said that she knew that she was going to upset some people with her answer, but based on her beliefs and the way that she was raised, she believes that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. A straight-forward, honest opinion.

Now, I am not against gay marriage or for it...I'm pretty impartial, because I could really care less. If two guys or two women want to get married, who gives a damn? Let 'em do what the hell they want, it doesn't impact me one way or the other.

What I'm upset about is Mario's reaction to Prejean's response, and the fact that by stating her truthful opinion it cost her the crown of Miss USA (whatever that's worth).

If the judges of that competition aren't ready for opinions that differ from their own, why don't they just provide the contestants with cue cards and a teleprompter, so that they can readily promote the judges' pre-set agenda?

Why should Prejean be punished for sticking to her own principles? She is a Christian woman, and for her to say that she agrees with gay marriage is against everything she believes in. So, why should she cater to the masses just because it's politically correct to do so? It's total bullshit!

Mario said that Prejean should not have won because he wants Miss USA to "represent all Americans?" So, is he saying that all Americans are gays and lesbians? Did I miss something here?

Last time I checked, there were millions of Christians who don't believe that gays should be able to be married. And, I don't know much about the Muslim faith or other religions, but I'm guessing there are millions more that also disagree with Mario -- far outnumbering the number of homosexuals in the country who want to get married. So, based on his own comments, Prejean should be Miss USA, but from his deranged perspective, all Americans are gay or lesbian, apparently.

Mario went on to say that had Ms. Prejean won, that he would have went on stage and ripped the tiara off her head. Well, that is a very tolerant stance. Why should he have any tolerance for anyone else's opinion? And, if you don't share the politically correct opinion, then you should be shunned and not be able to enjoy anything, apparently. What a jackass! Hey, Mario, why don't you exercise some of that tolerance you speak of yourself, you hypocritical bastard?

With her statement, Prejean has shown me that she is a role model because she can put her ambitions aside in order to stay true to herself and her beliefs. I hope that her honesty leads to bigger and better things for her in the future.

And, I hope guys like Mario/Hilton start getting treated like Don Imus and other people who make bigoted comments. Maybe people should start boycotting his blog and get him off the World Wide Web for his intolerance.

RoadRage

AIG management are a bunch of douches

You've no doubt heard the news by now that AIG, the failed insurance company that is only being kept afloat through the courtesy of tax dollars (yours and mine), was caught paying more than $165 million in bonuses to the executives who basically put them in the toilet in the first place.

Are they that arrogant or that clueless? I don't care what you promised these people. If you're getting $130 billion in bailout money, you don't pay anybody anything extra. Especially the people who caused you to need to ask for $170 billion in bailout money in the first place!

This is not rocket science people. It's business 101. I do a bad job, I don't get a bonus. I get fired. End of story. But because they're "executives" at a corporation we owe them that money?

I don't think so. But I'll tell you what. I'll help you out with a little more cash. Here's a quarter. Buy a clue. AIG management -- you suck.

The Armpit of Creativity: Political Cartoonists

I have been an avid reader of newspapers for 25 years now. I enjoy most sections of the paper -- local/national news, business, sports, etc.

The one thing I can't stand are political cartoons. Having seen literally thousands of them, I can't remember one that was creative, witty or funny. It's like reading a Cathy comic strip, or watching Family Matters.

You would think that it wouldn't be too hard for a professional to introduce some wit into one single cell comic, just once, but the task just seems impossible.

You've probably heard of the recent NY Post political cartoon, in which the artist depicted a gorilla getting shot by a cop, and his partner saying, "They'll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill." This "insightful" cartoon was supposed to depict the shooting of a chimpanzee in Connecticut that had attacked a friend of it's owner. But this artist's great, creative mind somehow linked this to the latest stimulus bill President Obama fought to get passed. To me it's pure racism.

I'm not sure if the artist was fired for the insensitive piece, but if (s)he wasn't, the person should be. And, if they don't do it for racism, how about just plain stupidity. How is that statement in the least bit funny, or even thought provoking? It's not, it's just some moron who has to push out a comic a day and has no bright ideas. I can already see Monday morning's political cartoon in my local paper: Bernie Madoff strung up by his balls, with the single word, "Justice" in the foreground. Oh wait, that would never fly, it actually does have a touch of humor in it.

I think this lack of creativity and humor is an industry-wide problem. They need to take every political cartoonist at every paper in the country and get rid of them. They just take up space with useless drivel, in a medium that continues to lose space for real news while ad dollars dwindle. Perhaps it's the politcal cartoonist that is leading to the demise of the daily newspaper? It's worth a shot trying to find out. Let's get rid of these ass clowns and see if subscriptions start to increase again.

RoadRage

I Hate Your Music...Turn it Down, You Prick

Have you heard about that concert tour called "Music as a Weapon"? I was listening to some Irish music today, getting an early start on St. Patrick's Day, and it reminded me of when I literally used music as a weapon when I was in college back in the early 90s.

I lived next to a complete self-centered jackass, who thought it was perfectly fine to blast rap music until 3:00 in the morning, or later. And, the weekends were even worse.

One day, I finally got tired of it. I had to wake up for class at 7:00 a.m., and on my way out, I decided to put my "Best of Irish Drinking Music" CD in my "boombox" and turn it toward the wall of my neighbor, full blast (there was no neighbor on the other side, so I wasn't being inconsiderate to anyone else). I figured what's good for the goose is good for the gander (that's right, a 30-something-old guy can pull out sayings an octogenarian would say).

Apparently, doofus couldn't handle my Irish music, so he reported me to the landlord, who called me down for a good talking to when I came home that day. That's when RoadRage uncharacteristically became enraged. I laid in to the landlord, telling him that I had complained about my neighbor's loud music at least three times that year, and nothing had ever been done, and I promised him that my Irish music would play full blast every day from 8:00 a.m. until 3:00 p.m. until the situation was resolved.

My landlord then called my neighbor to fill him in on our new arrangement, telling him the next time he ignored the apartment rules that he would be evicted. So, by using Music as a Weapon, I was able to resolve my issue without using my fists.

But, that's only one example of using my poor taste in music to resolve conflict.

After graduation, my buddy and I headed to Atlanta to watch the lowly Cubs play the Hotlanta Braves in a meaningless August two-game series. On our way out of the stadium on Rte. 75, traffic was at a standstill. The car next to us was blaring their music with their windows open, so everybody could enjoy their fine tunes (once again, it was rap music).

Now, the buddy I was with was the strongest guy I ever knew, and he was getting rather incensed at the inconsideration of our neighboring car. He was leaning out of the car (biceps flaring) ready to put them in their place.

Wanting to avoid a confrontation, I told my friend to hold on a second, and that I would handle it. So, I started to blare my own music -- a song I was sure would generate either annoyance or laughter in the car next to us -- Cecilia by Simon and Garfunkel.

Once the car next to us heard us jamming, they looked over, and I started headbanging to the beat. As I suspected, instead of getting angry the guys next to us were dying laughing, and turned down their own music.

People who listen to their music with no consideration for people around them suck, but take it from RoadRage...don't use violence, just annoy the hell out of them.

RoadRage

Women drivers suck

Ok, this is not exactly news, and I won't say that it applies to all women drivers. Danica Patrick apparently has no problems despite early worries that she would hold up the entire field and cause accidents by applying makeup during a race. That viewpoint was just downright Neanderthal.

Still, a lot of women do seem to struggle with the basics of driving, such as how close objects are to the side of the vehicle and which pedal to use. As evidenced by this video.

Where's Osama?

Speaking of people who suck, there's a news report that experts say they know where Osama bin Laden is hiding. Apparently he has been hiding in plain sight, but in disguise (see graphic to the right). Now it all makes sense.

Click on the image for a larger view.

Something that doesn't suck - Shamrock Shakes

I can't tell you how excited I was last night when I pulled into a local McDonald's and saw that the Shamrock Shake has made it back on the menu in time for St. Patrick's Day. This cool, green, minty delight has been a favorite of mine since it was introduced way back when.

Judging by the results I saw from bloggers when trying to find some additional info and a photo, I'm not the only one. Apparently the Shamrock Shake is quite popular among the type of people who sit at computers and type endlessly into the night.

To put it in perspective, I feel about Shamrock Shakes the way RoadRage feels about Egg Nog. The difference is he is active and athletic, where I am primarily sedentary. So while he can enjoy the Nog without penalty, I will doubtless be adding a bit more to my already ample winter layer. But it's worth it.

If you've never tried one, do yourself a favor and try it. And if you have and don't like it, you must suck -- thereby making this a legit post for this blog.

Bob Saget Has Awoken a Sleeping Giant Complainer

It's been a couple of weeks since I have had something to complain about. The job market has continued to suck, more and more bad news is coming from the housing and retail markets, putting the country deeper into the throes of a recession.

But I can deal with that. We'll get out of the recession one day -- hopefully sooner, rather than later. But, what I can't deal with is the news I saw today when I turned on my computer. Somehow, someway, a comedy by Bob Saget has been picked up by ABC and will start running this April.

Now, I have had a number of friends lose their job during the current economic crisis. And, every day you hear about more and more companies laying off more people. Yet, somehow, this stupid sack of crap continues to find work. I need someone to explain this to me.

When I was younger, Full House came out starring said Saget, and was one of the most miserable comedies I had ever seen. It was the like the laugh track was put on automatic and kept on throughout the show, laughing at Saget's stupid comments all the while.

Then he goes on to host America's Funniest Home Videos. They may have been the funniest home videos, but after Saget had his commentary added in, it made them the most annoying home videos and the most dreaded hour of television you had ever seen.

Just last year, Comedy Central hosted a roast for Bob Saget -- which was actually very funny. If you haven't seen a roast, the purpose is for comedic friends of the honoree to come in and pick on their foibles, making fun of their little idiosyncrasies. They're all harmless jabs at a friend. And, while the comments were all funny, the funniest part was that for the first time in roasting history all the uh ... jokes ... about Saget were completely true. But, his friends kept it from Bob, they acted like they were just joking.

In the past when educators and researchers have talked about how watching TV is bad for people I have always disagreed. But come April, I think I'll finally understand what they are talking about.

Bob Saget, you suck!

RoadRage

When I am King...

...the following people will not be allowed to drive at these times:

• Old people -- ever


• Asians generally -- during rush hour or in the evening on the weekends


• Asians in Toyotas -- ever


• Women on cell phones -- allowed until they are in my way, then ever


• Really hot women on cell phones -- as always, really hot women can do whatever they want


• Men wearing hats -- during rush hour


• Women in large SUVs -- allowed to drive on the streets anytime, but may not park within 200 yards of any building


• Hispanics -- if fluent in English may drive at anytime; if not, during rush hour or weekend evenings

You're welcome

Your Favorite Movie Sucks!

First off, apologies to the three faithful fans of the People Suck blog. RoadRage has been too busy dealing with dirtbags this past month to have any time to post to the People Suck blog. But, the time has come for me to complain about an entire group of people.

I am a huge movie fan. I like all different kinds of movies -- dramas, comedies, dramedies, and the like. I enjoy old movies, new movies...any movie that has a good storyline and good acting has basically made its way into my DVD collection.

What I can't stand are people who don't like a movie simply because it's a mainstream film. You know the type. You tell them that you really enjoyed the movie Gladiator, and they look at you like you're a total mental midget. Then they go on to tell you about the historical inaccuracies of the film, and explain to you that the only reason it won the Academy Award for best movie was because no other good movies were made that year.

So, you ask them what their favorite movie is and they tell you it's something like "Slacker" -- a movie that follows one person around as they walk through their mundane life for about five minutes, then follows another person (s)he runs into for about five minutes, and then does this repeatedly throughout the movie -- never telling you a real story. So, after two hours, you're left there wishing you had those two hours of your life back. But not Joe Culture...to him it's cinematic genius! Why? First off, because it's an independent film (that gives it ate least two stars in his mind), and then they credit the great work of the director and the artistic value of the film. Good grief!

I don't go to movies to appreciate art -- if I wanted that, I'd go to the Art Institute of Chicago. I go to be entertained, and movies like Gladiator, Braveheart and (more recently) Benjamin Button do that.

And, I'm not ripping on independent films...there are a lot of good ones that have been made recently, most notably Napoleon Dynamite -- but just because a movie is an independent film doesn't make it automatically great, and just because a movie is made by a studio doesn't make it instant crap. So all of you self-righteous, indie fans get off your high horses and enjoy yourself some Rocky Balboa!

My top five favorite movies all time:

1. It's A Wonderful Life
2. Braveheart
3. A Man for All Seasons
4. The Natural
5. Field of Dreams

What are yours?

RoadRage

Move that damn garbage truck

First of all, let me tell you that ol' Ty has nothing but respect for the entire sanitation industry. They do a job that is extremely necessary and that most of us wouldn't want to do. Sort of like being Manny Ramirez's media coach.

That being said, however, the guys who are driving the trucks need to remember that the rest of us have places to be too. Yesterday morning I was driving through my neighborhood on my way in to work, my second day back after a two-week vacation. The garbage men were out clearing the neighborhood of its refuse, which is good. But then the numbskull driving the truck on a somewhat narrow street decides to park it in pretty much the center of the street to make it more convenient to work both sides of the street. Not only that, but he stops next to a parked car, making the road completely impassable.

I waited about 20 seconds to see what would happen, but it was obvious that truck was going to be there for about five to 10 minutes while they dealt with all the post-holiday garbage. So I had to turn around and find another way to work.

Sure, it doesn't compare to what's going on between the Israelis and Hamas on the Gaza Strip. But still, it had more direct impact on my life than that event, so I was more than a bit perturbed.

What can I say but garbage truck drive, you suck? And happy 2009 to one and all.

RoadRage's Problem is He's too Nice!

Last week, I had a meeting in Chicago. Having worked there for five years earlier in my life, I know how to make my way around town without getting duped by street hustlers. Well, at least I thought I did.

I was coming out of a parking garage on Ohio, when a guy with a brush and rag approached me. Ordinarily, I'd just keep walking, blowing the guy off. But, it's the holidays, so I slowed down to pull out what change I had in my pocket -- about $1.25.

That's when the guy started brushing my feet, and then pulled out his rag. I figured I'd let him finish, and then pay him what I thought was a good wage for a shoe shine that never actually included polish -- about $5.

After the guy was done he told me it was $8/shoe, plus tip. Rather than arguing with the guy and facing the possibility of getting knifed, I figured I'd pay the guy and get out of there.

I was kicking myself the rest of the day, thinking I just should have never slowed down, because then it never would have happened. And then it hit me -- I'm just too damn nice to people.

Look at the things that I complain about on this site -- people cutting me off while driving, poor customer service, morons invading my space while swimming. They all come down to one thing -- I'm just too nice to complain, and I don't want to be a jerk to other people.

But from now on, I'm not going to give a rat's ass. I'm done worrying about other people's feelings, and whether I am upsetting them. Nobody else seems to care, so why should I?

So, now when RoadRage goes driving, I'll earn my moniker, by cutting people off, running people off the road, and going 30 in a 50, just because I want to piss the people off behind me.

At the grocery store checkout, I'll ask the cashier to do a price check when I buy a 4-pound bag of oranges and it comes up at $3.58 instead of $3.57, just so the ten people in line behind me will have to wait a bit longer.

When I'm at church next, rather than sitting in an empty pew with my family, I'll ask the family in the row behind me to make room for us.

With 2009 coming up, I'm just announcing my resolution a little early -- and that is to be a dick to everyone. I just want to fit in with the rest of you.

RoadRage

Adios, HotShots

This is probably a little mean, even for me, but the other day I noticed that the HotShots "restaurant" near our office finally closed down. All I can say is good riddance. I know RoadRage liked them because they served RC fountain drinks, but other than that there wasn't a whole lot to recommend them.

This was a burger and hot dog place where the food was sub-par and the service was horrendous. Now, normally when you go to a place like that and order a hot dog you expect it to be ready in a minute or two. Maybe five minutes if it's really busy and there's a line out the door (a problem HotShots never had). But at HotShots, you pretty much had to grab a seat because it could take 10 to 15 minutes to get your hot dog and fries to you. I'm not exaggerating, either. What could possibly take 10 minutes to make a hot dog? You slap a dog in a bun, throw some mustard and veggies on it, and serve it up. But not there. All I can figure is they were too busy making crack in the back to be bothered with something as mundane as a hot dog.

Worse yet, when you'd finally get the hot dog it wasn't the greatest hot dog you'd ever eaten, thereby making it worth the wait. Instead, it was more like the 'dog you mom would boil, pull off the stove and stick in a cheap house brand bun.

No matter what you'd order it was the same result. I tried ordering the chicken once, figuring it would be the fastest. I mean, the chicken should already be ready, so it's just a matter of transferring it to a plate, right? No way. My compatriates were already eating their burgers and other sandwiches while I still waited for what I can only presume was for the egg to hatch and the chicken to be forceable matured on the spot.

Now, understand that all of this lousy service occurred when the only people in the place was me and 3-5 other people. Seriously! And it's not like there was a big walk-in trade either. When it comes to food I am not a patient man, and the last thing I want to do on my lunch hour is sit around waiting forever for my lunch to be made up so I can pick it up at the counter.

It was a shame. The place was within walking distance of my office. It could've been the greatest place ever, had it been any good at all. Instead, it was just a horrible experience the few times I went there.

So adios HotShots! While I feel bad for any small business that closes, I don't in this case. You sucked, and you got what you deserved.

Stupid, Lousy, No-Good, Dirt-bag Senate Bastards

So, let me get this straight. The Senate said they would not support the auto industry bailout because they want the United Auto Workers to agree to a pay cut?

I guess that makes sense. Yeah, that makes sense. Why should we help the auto industry to pay employees the money they deserve for actually doing their jobs when their bosses can't do it themselves? I think the American taxpayers' money is much better spent helping to pay multi-million dollar bonuses (or bonii as Mr. Burns would say) to bank executives whose "great leadership" translated in to millions of dollars in losses for their organizations.

On the surface, you probably think that sounds like an asinine comment, and you'd be right. But, that's exactly what the Senate is saying by approving the $700 billion bailout for the banking industry and rejecting the auto industry's bailout request for $34 billion.

Now, RoadRage doesn't like giving handouts to anyone, but I think that the auto industry deserves a little helping hand right now. While it may not be the "backbone' of the country's economy any more, the auto industry plays a tremendous role and employs hundreds of thousands of people across the U.S. -- add in the people employed by service providers and other industries in business due to the auto industry, and that number is in the millions.

If the auto industry fails, millions of jobs would be in jeopardy, and the billions of dollars these people would pour back into the economy would be lost, leading to even harder times for the nation.

So, Senate leaders, I implore you to take your collective head out of your collective ass, and get this passed, so that we can save the "Big Three" before they fail and bring the country's economy even further down into a black hole.

Personally, I much rather help save auto manufacturers than the banking industry. Why? Because, the ineptness that is prevalent in the auto industry can be corrected -- this money can actually do some good for the ailing auto manufacturers, and I think they can turn their fortunes around.

And, while you can help ineptness, you can't cure greed. By throwing money at the banking industry, were just putting money into the hands of executives who are more interested in their own welfare than how the banks are going to help the nation's economy (the reason they were given the money in the first place). Banking executives have proven their greed by seeking exorbitant bonuses for themselves and spending hundreds of thousands on parties to celebrate the bailout approval.

But, more importantly... why haven't banks started giving out more business loans and personal loans to help jump-start the economy? What are they doing with the money they have already received, besides pocketing it for themselves?

It's all bull shit, and the Senate needs to take a look at that right after they approve the auto industry bailout.

But, right now, I say the U.S. Senate sucks!

RoadRage

What the drive-through window is for

Hey all you morons out there who don't get it. Let me explain to you how the drive-through window at a fast food restaurant is supposed to work. You pull up to the microphone where you place your order, which is something off the standard menu. You then pull up, hand the Hispanic person at the window your money, they mumble something unintelligible back to you, hand you your food, and you drive away. The whole encounter should take about a minute to a minute and a half. A lot of them even have little timers to make sure of it.

So why do some of you still go through the drivethrough like you've just gotten a table at Wolfgang Puck's? Let me give you some hints on proper etiquette.

The time to start figuring out what you want to eat is not when you pull up to the microphone. That decision should be made already. If you are such a moron that you just can't do it, they have giant pictures of the food right in front of your face. You don't even have to be able to read the language. Just say you want a "number one," or a "number one with cheese." Don't start looking around on the value menu putting together your own order. Make it easy, make it fast. Get a combo and move on. And no special ordering either. I don't care what Burger King says. Have it the way it's designed or don't go through the drive-through.

The microphone is also not the place to start asking your little rugrats in the back of the van what they want. They have no clue. Get them chicken nuggets or a burger. Sure, that's probably how RoadRage ended up food-challenged, but so what? He seems to be doing ok. Kids don't need choices, they need boundaries. You should know what your kids like. Order it and move up.

If you absolutely can't make a decision that quickly, the drive-through window is not for you. Park your gas-guzzling vehicle (straddling two lines) and walk your fat ass into the restaurant proper, where you can stand like one of those Depression-era people in the soup line until you figure out what the hell you (or your brats) want to eat. Then you're not holding up the rest of us.

Once you place your order, pull the hell up to the window so the next person in line can order. Don't fish for your purse or wallet. Don't take this moment to explain to the kids that the food will be here soon. Don't start taking up a collection from your buddies to pay for the impending feast. Don't take this opportunity to give the interior of your car a 14-point inspection. Just pull up to the window where you pay and get the money out then. Nothing bigger than a $20, either.

When you do get your food, it's ok to take a moment to check your bag to make sure the bottom feeders inside gave you everything you ordered. But you're not running the checklist before launching the Space Shuttle. Look in the bag, count up what's there, and if it's all there pull out. You don't need to put everything back exactly where it was. You don't need to check if it's the proper temperature, or if all the fries were distributed evenly. Throw the bag on the seat next to you and pull out so the next person (me) can get his food and move on too.

Keep in mind you're not going for a gourmet meal. You're there because you're either in a hurry or too lazy to walk the 15 steps into the restaurant. It's called fast food for a reason. There's already one lie in that phrase. Don't be the reason there are two lies in it.

How Much Bigotry Does One Reindeer Have to Deal With?

I just watched Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on CBS this week, and I was wondering if Rudolph has any real friends.

It seems to me that everyone he encounters, except for Comet's daughter Clarice and his friend Hermey, is a complete bigot. And, the biggest Archie Bunker of them all is the fatman himself, Santa.

St. Nick just can't find it in his heart to forgive young Rudolph for being born with a birth defect. Upon their first meeting, when Rudolph is fresh out of his mother's womb, Santa tells father Donner that he has to do something about Rudolph and that nose of his.

Later, Rudolph shows off his flying skills, demonstrating that he was better than any of the other young bucks who were at the trials -- those same bucks that would not allow him to play in any of their reindeer games. Santa was quite impressed with the lad, until Rudolph's faux black nose fell off to reveal the awful truth that he had a glowing red nose. Santa's response? "What a shame, and he has such a good takeoff, too!" So, just because he's different, there was no way in hell that Santa was going to give him an opportunity to lead his sleigh. And, to literally add insult to injury, Santa tells Donner he should be ashamed of himself! For what? having a son with a deformity? Before seeing this show, I would have thought Santa was Pro-Life, but I guess not now.

Santa finally changes his tune when he realizes Rudolph can actually help him. And right before he asks him to guide his sleigh, Santa is still putting him down, asking him to "tone down" his nose.

Then you have Clarice's father, Comet. The guy is pure evil. When he finds out Rudolph isn't like the rest of the deer, he not only shuns him, but tells all the kids to avoid him like the plague, saying in his best Eddie G. Robinson, "We won't let Rudolph play in any more reindeer games...right? Right!"

After seeing this sickening display, I won't be going to the North Pole any time soon. I mean, if Santa sees that I'm balding a little, he might never bring me presents again. And who knows what the hell Comet would do. Time to turn that guy into beef jerky.

Merry Christmas!

RoadRage

Poor Oil Industry...Will it Ever Survive? Gimme a Break!

For the first time in three years, gas prices are where they should be -- below $2 a gallon -- and hopefully falling further.

But, for some reason, analysts and reporters are bemoaning this as a bad thing for the economy. In this article, which ran in today's Wall Street Journal, writer Ann Davis (not Alice from the Brady Bunch) writes a great, thought-provoking story on the fall in oil and gas prices and its impact on the oil industry -- but I feel it is a little short-sighted.

Here's the paragraph that caught my attention -- speaking of the negative impact of falling oil prices: "Energy-driven economies - in areas from Texas and Alaska to Venezuela and Russia - can face huge busts, with job losses affecting employment for engineers and roughnecks on rigs as well as the accountants, hotels and restaurants that support them."

I'm guessing this is true, but how can the fortunes of one industry outweigh all of the industries and segments of the economy that were negatively impacted by oil's meteoric price rise since 2005?

Over the past three years, our economy has gone in the toilet, and I think the high cost of oil has a lot to do with that. Here are just a few ways our whole country has been hampered:

• The cost of diesel fuel skyrocketed. This has led to thousands of truckers losing their jobs, and has forced those who own their own rigs to park them the past 18 months because it costs them more to ship their cargo than they receive for making the shipment.
  
• The high cost of shipping has raised prices for all manufactured products and food across the country because it costs more to ship it -- taking discretionary money out of the pockets of consumers.
  
• Prices for dairy, meat have increased dramatically because instead of feeding livestock with corn, it is being used to develop ethanol gas.
  
• With people paying more than three times what they are used to for gas and heating oil, consumers' discretionary money again decreased substantially, and what is more, money for necessities (like buying groceries and paying car payments and mortgages) have been hit hard. The balloon mortgages are mostly to blame for the housing crisis, but I'm guessing the high cost of energy has a hand in that as well.
  
• With gasoline prices so high, nobody is buying boats right now, in fact, sales have dropped almost 70 percent the last two years, causing major layoffs in the boating industry.
  
• And, don't forget the auto makers, who are now asking for a $34 billion bailout from the government, who haven't been able to move minivans and SUVs for two years -- again causing major layoffs across the industry, leading to the closure of hundreds of auto dealerships (i.e. the loss of even more jobs) and almost total bankruptcy.

So, forgive me if I don't shed a tear for the oil industry due to the low cost of gas right now. I'm quite enjoying paying around $27 to fill the tank on my Grand Caravan, instead of the $65 I was paying in July.

Companies in the oil and energy industries were making tons of money before 2005, and they will continue to. And, now, maybe the rest of the country can start to climb back from the brink.

Besides, can't these oil bastards live off the billions of dollars they have basically stolen from the American public the last three years, and help the organizations that have helped them rake in this record amount of money?

Exxon and other oil companies reported record earnings results the past year -- and not personal organizational records -- the highest profit ever drawn by any organization in the history of the world. It's time for them to take a hit, and I, for one, say that it's much deserved and long overdue.

RoadRage

Finally ... the Juice is Squeezed

After 14 years of undeserved freedom, O.J. Simpson is finally going to jail.

In October 1995, he miraculously escaped a prison term when an inept jury found him not guilty of murdering his wife Nicole Brown and her friend Ronald Goldman on August 12, 1994.

The doofus couldn't stay out of trouble, and will now serve a minimum of nine years in prison for an armed robbery he committed in Las Vegas last year, when he claimed he was trying to get back items that were stolen from him. Surprise, surprise, the jury decided that he was lying.

I'm hoping he serves the full sentence of 33 years, but I doubt that will happen.

This news makes RoadRage a little happier than he usually is, and speaking for Nelson Muntz, I'd like to say -- Ha Ha!!! Now, if only we can tag on two life sentences to that term, justice would have been served.

O.J. Simpson, you suck! Enjoy your time in the slammer!

RoadRage