Today's Headline: Wrong Bare Top Shown

One of the things old Smails loves more than anything about his soon-to-be-former place of employment is its offices' proximity to the lakefront. A few days a week I will spend my lunch break jogging from the Loop offices out to the other side of the Adler Planetarium and back. It's a nice respite from the day and offers beautiful views of the best lakefront city in the world.

This being my last week at the office before starting work at a new place in the suburbs, I used today as possibly my last opportunity for just such an afternoon run. The climate was ideal and the people watching proved as typical, with families, Euros and other joggers and runners traversing the lakefront. Alas, what is that heading my way on a three-wheel bike? Is that an old woman biking topless? Nope, just some 70-something fresh off the plane from Boca displaying his fella bags for all to see. Dude, what the hell?

I understand people feeling comfortable enough with their physical misgivings to shun toupees, wear open-toed sandals to show off those summer-toes (summer going this way, others going that way) or any other mingerish downfall bestowed upon that person during the genetic lottery, but at some point you have to draw the line as to what is fine with you in front of the mirror and what leads to public vomiting. If you've lived long enough on this planet and not exercised your pecs, it's an inevitable that your gentleman toots will be giving the old two thumbs down to everyone. But the onus is on you to not subject the general public, especially weekend warrior athletes, families and international tourists to your geezer knobs.

So to the old fart with the JELLO jigglers and total lack of care for his fellow man--or ape--you suck. Park those AARP hooters in a shirt, a halter top or a bro next time. The last thing anyone needs to see on a beautiful Chicago lakefront afternoon is your set of hair whoopy cushions.

The Clown Made Me Do It

RoadRage is mad tonight. You see, I didn't want to take my kids to McDonald's, and I told them they couldn't go. But then they asked again and again, so I told them no again--twice.

But they persisted, and since I have no backbone and never want to deprive my kids of anything their heart desires because it might hurt their little feelings and have destructive, life-altering ramifications for the rest of their natural existence, I gave in and brought them.

And now that I've done this for six years, my older kids are both around 40 pounds overweight.

I don't blame myself, though, or my kids. It's really McDonald's fault because they make good food at affordable prices and they also give away free toys in their Happy Meals, so what options do my kids or I have?

Does this scenario sound familiar to you? Because if it does, you are a complete loser and don't deserve to have kids, because you are unable to teach them valuable lessons about not getting everything their heart desires whenever they want it.

But, that's not the way the Center for Science in the Public Interest feels about it. They are threatening to sue McDonald's for including toys in their Happy Meals because the toys indirectly lead to childhood obesity.

"McDonald's marketing has the effect of conscripting America's children into an unpaid drone army of word-of-mouth marketers, causing them to nag their parents to bring them to McDonald's ... Once there, they are more likely to receive a meal that is too high in calories, saturated fat, added sugars and sodium," according to Stephen Gardner of CSPI in a letter to McDonald's brass. And of course if a kid nags, his parents can't say no, right?

This is ridiculous. Why should organizations like McDonald's have to put up with this crap? If people are stupid enough to continue to buy McDonald's Happy Meals because they want to get their kids the 25-cent toys included inside, why is it McDonald's fault that their kids are overweight? The answer is that it's not McDonald's fault.

I take my kids to McDonald's once in a while, because, as I mentioned, the food is good, and it's convenient. But, neither of my older kids are overweight because they actually exercise, and they eat other food that, get this, isn't made at McDonald's.

The CSPI should focus their efforts on more worthwhile endeavors -- with whatever it is they do. And, parents should put their collective foot down and show their kids that they are not going to get everything they want for the rest of their lives. They're called life lessons and people are forgetting how to instill them in their children, because why should they bother? Anything negative that happens with their kids is always someone else's fault, as the CSPI's lawsuit shows us.

CSPI, you suck! And, any parent blaming McDonald's for their child's obesity should take the money they would have spent there and go buy themselves a spine, so that they can stand up to their kids.

RoadRage

But There'll Be No Bananas (Ice Cream) Today...

About three years ago, Blue Bunny came out with a limited edition banana pudding ice cream. Next to eggnog ice cream, it was the best I ever had.

It was a glorious two months when I enjoyed Blue Bunny's perfect mix of banana ice cream, vanilla wafers and a swirl of vanilla cream...but its availability was all too brief.

Since then, I have stopped in the ice cream aisle at various grocery stores, taking a slow walk down the ice cream aisle to hopefully find another banana ice cream that is bland enough for a man of RoadRage's exquisite tastes. Ben & Jerry's makes Chunky Monkey, but it has walnuts, so that won't work, and every other ice cream vendor makes a banana split variety, but they mix in chocolate, strawberry, banana and pineapple together -- not a taste treat for RoadRage. Breyer's used to make a very good chocolate chunk-banana ice cream, and recently came out with a limited edition banana cream pie ice cream that was out of this world.

As soon as they put the banana cream pie ice cream out on the shelves, customers would pick it up, and I was lucky to find the two half gallons I did get to buy when it was available. It was a very popular flavor, but it, too, was gone way too soon.

My question is: why can't any of the dozens of ice cream vendors sell at least one good banana ice cream? There is limited space in the freezer case for ice cream, and instead of filling it with various flavors, like banana, they cram them with 18 fucking varieties of vanilla. Breyer's alone makes the following:

- Creamy Vanilla
- French Vanilla
- Natural Vanilla
- Vanilla, Chocolate Strawberry
- Extra creamy vanilla (what the fuck?!)
- Vanilla-Chocolate
- Lactose-free vanilla
- Homemade Vanilla
- Vanilla Caramel
- Vanilla Bean
- And, of course, Vanilla

The other brands have a lot of the same vanilla flavors, but Edy's (or Dreyer's) also added Double Vanilla to the line up -- ooohhh, exciting! Let's see some creativity here. It's like Forrest Gump and Bubba got together to run the entire ice cream business and when they were asked for flavor ideas they rattled off every kind of vanilla that came to mind.

I'm hopeful that at least one ice cream company will release a banana-flavored ice cream in the coming months, but I'm guessing before that happens, that I'll see Triple Vanilla in my grocer's freezer section.

Ice cream execs you not only suck, but you are a bunch of uncreative dumb asses -- except for Ben & Jerry's -- they get kudos for that new Boston Cream Pie -- it's fantastic! Everyone should go get some tonight.

RoadRage

Second Coming, My Ass

It's amazing where you can find sucky people these days. They're almost everywhere you look.

Case in point: Tonight, I'm at home watching my two beautiful daughters, and I'm flipping around the channels to see what's on TV, since the Cubs can't keep my attention these days.

So, I turned to the National Geographic Channel, which had a special on about three different people who claim to be the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.

Now, I'm no Theologian, but something tells me if Jesus Christ came back to earth, he wouldn't be uttering comments like, "I'm pissed off." That just doesn't seem Christ-like to me. I'm guessing that he would be more theatrical, and pull a Howard Beale on us by yelling out, "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore." But, again, I'm no Theologian, so what do I know.

At least the foul-mouthed guy claiming he was Christ was actually poor, and seemed to live in a tented village.

The third would-be Second Coming of Christ is the one that really "pissed me off," to take a quote from, uh, "Jesus."

This guy is a multi- multi-millionaire out of the Philippines, who claims to have a worldwide following of more than six million people. He tells his followers that he was possessed by, or turned into, Jesus on April 13, 2005.

I forget what his name is, but he does a weekly television show. Before going on air, he has his hair done, and applies make up to make sure he looks all prim and proper...much like I guess the Messiah did before he took the five loaves of bread and two fish to feed 5,000 people.

I really can't stand people like this who prey on the morons that are all too numerous in this world and will follow anything that moves, but it may be the followers who make me even angrier. Why can't they figure out that if this douche was the Second Coming, that he wouldn't be telling them to give him their money, and he wouldn't live in a mansion.

You know, earlier this week a statue of Jesus in Ohio was destroyed when it was struck by lightning. Why couldn't it have been this asshole instead? I know, not a real Christian attitude, but I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore.

RoadRage

Cloudy With A Chance of Stupidity

While the Blackhawks regale the city of Chicago with it's "Where's Herb?" version of the Stanley Cup, new Cubs team owner is using all the attention to push through his agenda of socially awkward marketing ploys.

First, as the Hawks and Flyers went skate-to-skate for the Cup, up went the new Toyota sign behind left field without much fanfare. If you've paid any attention to the Cubs this year, you know the issue of adding a glowing UFO beyond left field has been the bane of Rickett's existence in his genesis year with the Cubs.

Sure, he could have left well enough alone with the Toyota banner, but this is a man on a mission. A mission to turn Wrigleyville into his own version of "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs," starting today with the unveiling of the Wrigley Noodle, a huge piece of Kraft Macaroni-and-Cheese (or Cheese-and-Macaroni as it were). In my day, the unveiling of a Wrigley Noodle typically meant relieve a few inning's worth of Old Style or screams followed by a quick arrest. But in this case Ricketts has outdone himself and is demonstrating through subtraction just how much John McDonough meant to the Cubs and its marketing.

Ricketts? You suck this time, my man. Hm? Hm? Alright!

Hey AT&T, thanks for Looking out for Me, I really appreciate it

Thank god for big companies like AT&T, which care more about common schmoes like RoadRage than they do about turning profits.

Last week, AT&T announced that it's eliminating the unlimited Internet data plans they use for cell phone customers to introduce new plans that would bill its customers based on how much data they use.

At first, RoadRage was skeptical of this announcement, fearing that AT&T was pulling a fast one on Joe Customer, so that it could charge people more money, but it turns out that I'm just naive.

You see, AT&T has given a thorough explanation of why they are introducing these new data plans. And, they don't want to charge me more money; they just want to give me more data for less money.

Now, instead of paying $30/month for unlimited data, I'll get to pay only $25 for two gigabytes of data -- basically the size of transferring one full length movie in standard definition.

Thank you AT&T! I would have had to pay a whole $5 more a month to watch as many live baseball games and movies on my phone as I wanted to every month. But now, I'll have to keep an eye on my data usage, so that I don't go over the allotted two gigabytes and be forced to pay $35 (or more) a month, thanks to your new data plans. I can see that you genuinely care for my financial well being.

If I'm not mistaken, the primary reason companies are in business is to make money, so why don't the jag bags over at AT&T just say that they are introducing these new plans to increase their profits, and not tell me they care about me, the poor customer, who's paying too much for unlimited data?

Even though I write negatively about people, I know that most of them are not stupid, and they realize that AT&T is just trying to line its pockets with more revenue. If you treat me like an idiot, I am more likely going to stop being a customer than if you start charging me more money. So just be straight with me.

And, now that AT&T has set a precedent on data usage, watch for cable to follow suit. Another humanitarian, Time Warner Chief Executive Glenn Britt, commented on the move saying, "Some people use less, so they should pay less." What a guy. Another top executive who wants me to save more money.

Now, if Britt and AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson can be so kind as to go fuck themselves, I'd greatly appreciate it.

RoadRage

Hey IHOP, Stop Clowning Around!

When I was a young RoadRage, I had a few simple pleasures. I'd play baseball in the summer, drink eggnog at Christmas and eat my foil-wrapped Ding Dongs whenever I could get my hands on one.

Coming from a family of ten kids, I rarely had the opportunity to go to restaurants, but when I did, my favorite place to go was the International House of Pancakes.

As far as I knew, IHOP was the only place I could go where the blueberry pancakes were made with the blueberries on top of the pancakes and cooked inside as well. Borrowing from Dairy Queen, they were Scrum-diddily-umptious!!

IHOP remained my restaurant of choice well into my teenage years, but then ... things changed. Instead of using high quality ingredients, the chain decided to work on the cheap; changing to cheaper ingredients, reducing the portions of the food they served, and gone were the blueberries inside the pancakes.

And worse than that, the attentive staff that used to greet you and cater to your every need didn't seem to care whether you ever ate there again.

Case in point, a few years ago, I went to the IHOP in Niles, IL, and ordered strawberry crepes. When I bit into them, the strawberries were still frozen. I complained about it to the manager, who tried to tell me that they were supposed to be frozen. What!? This is the manager of the restaurant who had no idea how pancakes or crepes were supposed to be made. I told him I wanted them taken off the bill, and he refused. So, I was done with IHOP for a long time. Why would I go back to a restaurant that didn't give a shit about its customers?

Fast forward to Christmas 2009 (yeah, I'm a little behind). IHOP introduced new eggnog pancakes. Ahhh...they were matching two of my favorite foods together, and I couldn't pass up the opportunity. Unfortunately, IHOP hadn't changed their ways.

On the commercial, there was a huge dollop of eggnog cream in the middle of two thick, fluffy pancakes -- a tempting sight for anyone. But the reality was much different. As the waitress made her way to my table with my order, I could see two skimpy pancakes, with nothing in the middle, and I thought there had to be a mistake. She arrived, I lifted the top pancake to find a layer of eggnog cream that looked like it was lightly spread on with a butter knife. I smelt the cakes, and there was definitely a hint of eggnog, so I figured it was the right order -- they were just skimping, as usual. So, I asked the waitress to bring out some extra cream on the side. It helped, but they were still crap.

As I was leaving IHOP, for what I'm guessing will be the last time, I noticed a sign that said that Patsy the Clown was appearing there every Wednesday night from 6-8.

And, there in lies the problem. Rather than relying on quality customer service and serving great-tasting food, IHOP has decided to adopt cheap gimmicks to try to attract customers. From employing dumb ass clowns, that probably are entertaining for anyone ages 3-4 1/2, to offering $2 kids meals for free, they've forgotten why people enjoyed going to IHOP in the first place.

So, IHOP, stop clowning around and get back to the basics -- start focusing on what made you great in the first place and stop being the cheap bastards you have turned into. Until then, it's Walker Brothers for me.

RoadRage

When they say turn off your electronic devices, they mean you too, asshole!

If there's one thing I can't stand in this life it's people who think they are better than everyone else and thus don't have to follow the rules.

This situation came up recently when ol' Ty was flying for business. We were sitting on the tarmac waiting to push off from the gate and start the ride home after a long day of meetings. As I kicked back to ponder the act faith it is to blindly put my life into the hands of a bunch of strangers, the guy in the seat next to me was busy working his BlackBerry the way a hooker works a john when he's just looking for a $20 handjob.

As we were sitting there, the announcement came to turn off all electronic devices, including (especially?) mobile phones. But Mr. BlackBerry just kept right on going, scanning through his email. They announced it again. Still no change. They announced that the cabin door was shutting and this time they really meant it -- turn off those devices. At this point Mr. BlackBerry turned off the phone part (I think), put the device low in his lap and started playing some game. I kept waiting for one of the flight attendants to grab it out of his hand, or at least reprimand him verbally in front of the others, but nothing. Finally, when we were ready for takeoff, he stuck it in his pocket so the flight attendants couldn't see it -- even though it was still on.

WTF? What part of "turn it off" did this clown not understand? I know that one solitary BlackBerry won't take the plane down, otherwise we wouldn't be allowed to carry phones on board in the same way we're not allowed to bring pen knives or pointy sticks. But still. Do you really want to take that chance?

More to the point, what makes this guy so special he thinks he can ignore the request to turn it off while everyone else complies? I never saw him answer a single email, and it was pretty obvious he wasn't a brain surgeon consulting on an operation to save the life of a four year old child in Zimbabwe. Just another business clown who thinks he's important.

Listen, when they ask you to shut it off, shut it off, asshole. Period. End of discussion.

I also have an idea for the FAA on how to stop this behavior once and for all. You make the announcement, and you give fair warning that in five minutes the plane will send out a pulse that will permanently damage all electronic devices that are still left on. Then you actually send out the pulse and take 'em all down. You know you can do it. Just equip your planes and send out the pulse. People will snap to a whole lot faster.

Put things away when you're done using them

This post is directed at my immediate family. All of them seem to think it's perfectly ok to take a tool or household gadget from one room to the next, use it, and then immediately drop it wherever they happen to be. That way, when the next person needs it, nobody knows where it is. They do it on a daily basis.

It happened again just last week. My daughter was getting ready for her senior prom, and the ribbons on her corsage were too long. She wanted to cut them, but none of the three pairs of scissors that normally sit in the can that holds pens and such were there. I know my wife left one pair at the hair salon where she took my daughter. But that still left two pairs MIA. I finally found one after the fact sitting buried on a kitchen counter, where it was undoubtedly used to open a frozen pizza.

That's not the worst part, though. When stuff like this happens I get mad. I keep telling all the rest of them "Put things away when you're done using them and we'll be able to find them when we need them." Seems like sound advice to me. But I'm the asshole because I get mad and "nag" them about it.

I do have a new policy for my own stuff, though. If it's not where it belongs, and I can't find it in five minutes, I just go buy another one. I'm tired of playing "hide 'n' seek" with my stuff. Got a nice, new hammer that way. My wife, her mom and her sister used my old one to tack up signs for a garage sale (another waste of time, in my opinion) and then stuck it in a box later instead of putting it back on my workbench where they'd found it. So I bought another one. I now have two. Hopefully that means at least one will be available when I need it. I am still missing several screwdrivers.

So to my family, none of whom will learn to be responsible with things, I say you suck.

Perez Hilton's Anti Anti-Gay Rhetoric is Appalling

Like me, I'm sure anyone reading this blog didn't watch the Miss USA Pageant this weekend. But, something interesting actually did happen. Apparently, the Miss USA Pageant has turned into a political primary for the 2012 presidential election.

After you judge pageant contestants on how good they look in swimsuits and evening wear, and find out how talented they are, how else can you judge their beauty? By asking the bombshell contestants heated political questions. It makes perfect sense.

This format lead to "celebrity" judge Perez Hilton (term used loosely), aka Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr., to ask Miss California, Carrie Prejean, if she believes that gay couples should be able to legally get married. What Mario wasn't ready for was for Ms. Prejean to actually have an educated, formulated opinion that differed from his own.

Prejean said that she knew that she was going to upset some people with her answer, but based on her beliefs and the way that she was raised, she believes that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. A straight-forward, honest opinion.

Now, I am not against gay marriage or for it...I'm pretty impartial, because I could really care less. If two guys or two women want to get married, who gives a damn? Let 'em do what the hell they want, it doesn't impact me one way or the other.

What I'm upset about is Mario's reaction to Prejean's response, and the fact that by stating her truthful opinion it cost her the crown of Miss USA (whatever that's worth).

If the judges of that competition aren't ready for opinions that differ from their own, why don't they just provide the contestants with cue cards and a teleprompter, so that they can readily promote the judges' pre-set agenda?

Why should Prejean be punished for sticking to her own principles? She is a Christian woman, and for her to say that she agrees with gay marriage is against everything she believes in. So, why should she cater to the masses just because it's politically correct to do so? It's total bullshit!

Mario said that Prejean should not have won because he wants Miss USA to "represent all Americans?" So, is he saying that all Americans are gays and lesbians? Did I miss something here?

Last time I checked, there were millions of Christians who don't believe that gays should be able to be married. And, I don't know much about the Muslim faith or other religions, but I'm guessing there are millions more that also disagree with Mario -- far outnumbering the number of homosexuals in the country who want to get married. So, based on his own comments, Prejean should be Miss USA, but from his deranged perspective, all Americans are gay or lesbian, apparently.

Mario went on to say that had Ms. Prejean won, that he would have went on stage and ripped the tiara off her head. Well, that is a very tolerant stance. Why should he have any tolerance for anyone else's opinion? And, if you don't share the politically correct opinion, then you should be shunned and not be able to enjoy anything, apparently. What a jackass! Hey, Mario, why don't you exercise some of that tolerance you speak of yourself, you hypocritical bastard?

With her statement, Prejean has shown me that she is a role model because she can put her ambitions aside in order to stay true to herself and her beliefs. I hope that her honesty leads to bigger and better things for her in the future.

And, I hope guys like Mario/Hilton start getting treated like Don Imus and other people who make bigoted comments. Maybe people should start boycotting his blog and get him off the World Wide Web for his intolerance.

RoadRage

AIG management are a bunch of douches

You've no doubt heard the news by now that AIG, the failed insurance company that is only being kept afloat through the courtesy of tax dollars (yours and mine), was caught paying more than $165 million in bonuses to the executives who basically put them in the toilet in the first place.

Are they that arrogant or that clueless? I don't care what you promised these people. If you're getting $130 billion in bailout money, you don't pay anybody anything extra. Especially the people who caused you to need to ask for $170 billion in bailout money in the first place!

This is not rocket science people. It's business 101. I do a bad job, I don't get a bonus. I get fired. End of story. But because they're "executives" at a corporation we owe them that money?

I don't think so. But I'll tell you what. I'll help you out with a little more cash. Here's a quarter. Buy a clue. AIG management -- you suck.

The Armpit of Creativity: Political Cartoonists

I have been an avid reader of newspapers for 25 years now. I enjoy most sections of the paper -- local/national news, business, sports, etc.

The one thing I can't stand are political cartoons. Having seen literally thousands of them, I can't remember one that was creative, witty or funny. It's like reading a Cathy comic strip, or watching Family Matters.

You would think that it wouldn't be too hard for a professional to introduce some wit into one single cell comic, just once, but the task just seems impossible.

You've probably heard of the recent NY Post political cartoon, in which the artist depicted a gorilla getting shot by a cop, and his partner saying, "They'll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill." This "insightful" cartoon was supposed to depict the shooting of a chimpanzee in Connecticut that had attacked a friend of it's owner. But this artist's great, creative mind somehow linked this to the latest stimulus bill President Obama fought to get passed. To me it's pure racism.

I'm not sure if the artist was fired for the insensitive piece, but if (s)he wasn't, the person should be. And, if they don't do it for racism, how about just plain stupidity. How is that statement in the least bit funny, or even thought provoking? It's not, it's just some moron who has to push out a comic a day and has no bright ideas. I can already see Monday morning's political cartoon in my local paper: Bernie Madoff strung up by his balls, with the single word, "Justice" in the foreground. Oh wait, that would never fly, it actually does have a touch of humor in it.

I think this lack of creativity and humor is an industry-wide problem. They need to take every political cartoonist at every paper in the country and get rid of them. They just take up space with useless drivel, in a medium that continues to lose space for real news while ad dollars dwindle. Perhaps it's the politcal cartoonist that is leading to the demise of the daily newspaper? It's worth a shot trying to find out. Let's get rid of these ass clowns and see if subscriptions start to increase again.

RoadRage

I Hate Your Music...Turn it Down, You Prick

Have you heard about that concert tour called "Music as a Weapon"? I was listening to some Irish music today, getting an early start on St. Patrick's Day, and it reminded me of when I literally used music as a weapon when I was in college back in the early 90s.

I lived next to a complete self-centered jackass, who thought it was perfectly fine to blast rap music until 3:00 in the morning, or later. And, the weekends were even worse.

One day, I finally got tired of it. I had to wake up for class at 7:00 a.m., and on my way out, I decided to put my "Best of Irish Drinking Music" CD in my "boombox" and turn it toward the wall of my neighbor, full blast (there was no neighbor on the other side, so I wasn't being inconsiderate to anyone else). I figured what's good for the goose is good for the gander (that's right, a 30-something-old guy can pull out sayings an octogenarian would say).

Apparently, doofus couldn't handle my Irish music, so he reported me to the landlord, who called me down for a good talking to when I came home that day. That's when RoadRage uncharacteristically became enraged. I laid in to the landlord, telling him that I had complained about my neighbor's loud music at least three times that year, and nothing had ever been done, and I promised him that my Irish music would play full blast every day from 8:00 a.m. until 3:00 p.m. until the situation was resolved.

My landlord then called my neighbor to fill him in on our new arrangement, telling him the next time he ignored the apartment rules that he would be evicted. So, by using Music as a Weapon, I was able to resolve my issue without using my fists.

But, that's only one example of using my poor taste in music to resolve conflict.

After graduation, my buddy and I headed to Atlanta to watch the lowly Cubs play the Hotlanta Braves in a meaningless August two-game series. On our way out of the stadium on Rte. 75, traffic was at a standstill. The car next to us was blaring their music with their windows open, so everybody could enjoy their fine tunes (once again, it was rap music).

Now, the buddy I was with was the strongest guy I ever knew, and he was getting rather incensed at the inconsideration of our neighboring car. He was leaning out of the car (biceps flaring) ready to put them in their place.

Wanting to avoid a confrontation, I told my friend to hold on a second, and that I would handle it. So, I started to blare my own music -- a song I was sure would generate either annoyance or laughter in the car next to us -- Cecilia by Simon and Garfunkel.

Once the car next to us heard us jamming, they looked over, and I started headbanging to the beat. As I suspected, instead of getting angry the guys next to us were dying laughing, and turned down their own music.

People who listen to their music with no consideration for people around them suck, but take it from RoadRage...don't use violence, just annoy the hell out of them.

RoadRage

Women drivers suck

Ok, this is not exactly news, and I won't say that it applies to all women drivers. Danica Patrick apparently has no problems despite early worries that she would hold up the entire field and cause accidents by applying makeup during a race. That viewpoint was just downright Neanderthal.

Still, a lot of women do seem to struggle with the basics of driving, such as how close objects are to the side of the vehicle and which pedal to use. As evidenced by this video.

Where's Osama?

Speaking of people who suck, there's a news report that experts say they know where Osama bin Laden is hiding. Apparently he has been hiding in plain sight, but in disguise (see graphic to the right). Now it all makes sense.

Click on the image for a larger view.

Something that doesn't suck - Shamrock Shakes

I can't tell you how excited I was last night when I pulled into a local McDonald's and saw that the Shamrock Shake has made it back on the menu in time for St. Patrick's Day. This cool, green, minty delight has been a favorite of mine since it was introduced way back when.

Judging by the results I saw from bloggers when trying to find some additional info and a photo, I'm not the only one. Apparently the Shamrock Shake is quite popular among the type of people who sit at computers and type endlessly into the night.

To put it in perspective, I feel about Shamrock Shakes the way RoadRage feels about Egg Nog. The difference is he is active and athletic, where I am primarily sedentary. So while he can enjoy the Nog without penalty, I will doubtless be adding a bit more to my already ample winter layer. But it's worth it.

If you've never tried one, do yourself a favor and try it. And if you have and don't like it, you must suck -- thereby making this a legit post for this blog.

Bob Saget Has Awoken a Sleeping Giant Complainer

It's been a couple of weeks since I have had something to complain about. The job market has continued to suck, more and more bad news is coming from the housing and retail markets, putting the country deeper into the throes of a recession.

But I can deal with that. We'll get out of the recession one day -- hopefully sooner, rather than later. But, what I can't deal with is the news I saw today when I turned on my computer. Somehow, someway, a comedy by Bob Saget has been picked up by ABC and will start running this April.

Now, I have had a number of friends lose their job during the current economic crisis. And, every day you hear about more and more companies laying off more people. Yet, somehow, this stupid sack of crap continues to find work. I need someone to explain this to me.

When I was younger, Full House came out starring said Saget, and was one of the most miserable comedies I had ever seen. It was the like the laugh track was put on automatic and kept on throughout the show, laughing at Saget's stupid comments all the while.

Then he goes on to host America's Funniest Home Videos. They may have been the funniest home videos, but after Saget had his commentary added in, it made them the most annoying home videos and the most dreaded hour of television you had ever seen.

Just last year, Comedy Central hosted a roast for Bob Saget -- which was actually very funny. If you haven't seen a roast, the purpose is for comedic friends of the honoree to come in and pick on their foibles, making fun of their little idiosyncrasies. They're all harmless jabs at a friend. And, while the comments were all funny, the funniest part was that for the first time in roasting history all the uh ... jokes ... about Saget were completely true. But, his friends kept it from Bob, they acted like they were just joking.

In the past when educators and researchers have talked about how watching TV is bad for people I have always disagreed. But come April, I think I'll finally understand what they are talking about.

Bob Saget, you suck!

RoadRage

When I am King...

...the following people will not be allowed to drive at these times:

• Old people -- ever


• Asians generally -- during rush hour or in the evening on the weekends


• Asians in Toyotas -- ever


• Women on cell phones -- allowed until they are in my way, then ever


• Really hot women on cell phones -- as always, really hot women can do whatever they want


• Men wearing hats -- during rush hour


• Women in large SUVs -- allowed to drive on the streets anytime, but may not park within 200 yards of any building


• Hispanics -- if fluent in English may drive at anytime; if not, during rush hour or weekend evenings

You're welcome

Your Favorite Movie Sucks!

First off, apologies to the three faithful fans of the People Suck blog. RoadRage has been too busy dealing with dirtbags this past month to have any time to post to the People Suck blog. But, the time has come for me to complain about an entire group of people.

I am a huge movie fan. I like all different kinds of movies -- dramas, comedies, dramedies, and the like. I enjoy old movies, new movies...any movie that has a good storyline and good acting has basically made its way into my DVD collection.

What I can't stand are people who don't like a movie simply because it's a mainstream film. You know the type. You tell them that you really enjoyed the movie Gladiator, and they look at you like you're a total mental midget. Then they go on to tell you about the historical inaccuracies of the film, and explain to you that the only reason it won the Academy Award for best movie was because no other good movies were made that year.

So, you ask them what their favorite movie is and they tell you it's something like "Slacker" -- a movie that follows one person around as they walk through their mundane life for about five minutes, then follows another person (s)he runs into for about five minutes, and then does this repeatedly throughout the movie -- never telling you a real story. So, after two hours, you're left there wishing you had those two hours of your life back. But not Joe Culture...to him it's cinematic genius! Why? First off, because it's an independent film (that gives it ate least two stars in his mind), and then they credit the great work of the director and the artistic value of the film. Good grief!

I don't go to movies to appreciate art -- if I wanted that, I'd go to the Art Institute of Chicago. I go to be entertained, and movies like Gladiator, Braveheart and (more recently) Benjamin Button do that.

And, I'm not ripping on independent films...there are a lot of good ones that have been made recently, most notably Napoleon Dynamite -- but just because a movie is an independent film doesn't make it automatically great, and just because a movie is made by a studio doesn't make it instant crap. So all of you self-righteous, indie fans get off your high horses and enjoy yourself some Rocky Balboa!

My top five favorite movies all time:

1. It's A Wonderful Life
2. Braveheart
3. A Man for All Seasons
4. The Natural
5. Field of Dreams

What are yours?

RoadRage

Move that damn garbage truck

First of all, let me tell you that ol' Ty has nothing but respect for the entire sanitation industry. They do a job that is extremely necessary and that most of us wouldn't want to do. Sort of like being Manny Ramirez's media coach.

That being said, however, the guys who are driving the trucks need to remember that the rest of us have places to be too. Yesterday morning I was driving through my neighborhood on my way in to work, my second day back after a two-week vacation. The garbage men were out clearing the neighborhood of its refuse, which is good. But then the numbskull driving the truck on a somewhat narrow street decides to park it in pretty much the center of the street to make it more convenient to work both sides of the street. Not only that, but he stops next to a parked car, making the road completely impassable.

I waited about 20 seconds to see what would happen, but it was obvious that truck was going to be there for about five to 10 minutes while they dealt with all the post-holiday garbage. So I had to turn around and find another way to work.

Sure, it doesn't compare to what's going on between the Israelis and Hamas on the Gaza Strip. But still, it had more direct impact on my life than that event, so I was more than a bit perturbed.

What can I say but garbage truck drive, you suck? And happy 2009 to one and all.