Et tu Barack? Et tu?

Why Barack, why? I read last week about Barack donating $2,300 to Hillary Clinton's campaign to help pay off her debt from her failed run for the presidency. Then he took it a step further to encourage his supporters to do the same.

Fine, Barack, don't kick Billary while she's down, but why are you playing politics now?

One of the reasons people are voting for Barack is his Jefferson Smith (reference: Mr. Smith Goes to Washington) quality. He's the anti-politician; he hasn't been in DC long enough to be corrupted by the other crooks that populate our nation's Capitol.

I guess that line of thinking is a little naive, but this feigned support for Hillary just rubbed me the wrong way. What's next? Red Sox fans embracing Yankee fans -- joining together in a rousing rendition of Kumbaya?

Hillary made her bed, now she should lie in it. Something tells me that she's not hurting for money, and that if she wants to go on a speaking tour that she can make up the money she lost in less than six months.

What scares me, is that I hope this buddy-buddy crap their playing off for the public doesn't lead to what they were calling the "Dream Ticket" of Barack and Hillary just a few months ago (remember when Hillary offered the vice presidency to Barack while she was trailing in the primaries -- classic).

Hillary on the Democratic ticket -- yeah, that's all I need is another reason not to vote.

Barack, do yourself a favor and separate yourself from the Clintons. You don't need them to get votes, and my guess is that you will alienate more voters than you attract if she is selected as your running mate.

RoadRage

Mr. Drug Addict, you're my hero!

Kudos to Former Cincinnati Red and current Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton (pictured) for coming back from his drug addiction to become a pretty good Major League baseball player. But make no mistake. Despite what Peter Gammons and other sportscasters say, Josh Hamilton is no hero.

Hamilton did not lose three years of his career to cancer or a debilitating injury -- it was from a self-induced drug addiction. While it's hard to come out of the grips from an addiction, it always starts with individual choice. Hamilton made the choice to do drugs the first time, and eventually he became an addict.

It's an insult to put Hamilton in the same category as true sports heroes like Lance Armstrong, Alonzo Mourning, Andres Gallaraga, John Lester and others who beat cancer to come back and have an impact on their sport. They had no choice. They confronted a deadly disease, stared it down and came out on top.

Go ahead and applaud Hamilton for what he has done, and for his play on the field, but please don't hero worship him -- he doesn't deserve it.

Goodbye Route 66

Discovering the U.S. -- another casualty of the oil industry and hedge fund investors.

Remember when you were younger and you can just jump in the car with a group of friends and go for a long drive to discover new parts of the country you hadn't seen before? Or the summer family vacation where you would head across country to meet with family and friends.

Aunt RoadRage and I were talking about the rising oil prices the other day, and she brought this up to me. I hadn't even thought about it, but she's right.

When I was a kid, we used to always look forward to the rare trips we would take to our cousins' houses in Ohio and Michigan, and then when I was old enough to drive, my buddies and I would travel to different ball parks around the country; not only because we are huge baseball fans, but to experience what it was like in other cities, and to meet new people. (Boston was my favorite place to visit, by the way.)

Next month, my family is going to go to Myrtle Beach, and having to take the van, it will cost us more than $600 in gas. Facing that kind of gas bill, I'm pretty confident that this will be our last trip for a long time, and it's a shame.

I really gained an appreciation and sense of pride in our country from my experiences on the road, and it's upsetting that my kids won't get the same chance. And, this is all because hedge fund investors. oil industry leaders and politicians collude to make Americans think there is an oil supply shortage, so that they can line their pockets with the riches that high oil prices can bring. These people are really sucking the fun out of being an American, and whoever is elected this year has to turn things around.

What has been the biggest impact for you with the absurd cost of gas?

Kids These Days

What do you get when you add a wiry dumbass, a roided-up mute, a digital video camera and the town toadie?

This:

Grand Theft Dumbasses

I was watching the news tonight, when I got up to get a glass of water. As I was walking away, they were teasing their next story, saying that some kids from New York were in trouble for emulating a popular video game.

I was hoping that the delinquents were big fans of Smurf: Rescue in Gargamel's Castle, and they were in trouble for knocking over city property as they jumped obstacles to save their fair Smurfette. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

These four geniuses were in fact assaulting innocent bystanders -- using makeshift weapons to attack a man outside a grocery store, then a woman who was sitting in her car. And, of course, after being arrested, they blamed the video game Grand Theft Auto. That makes sense, because as anyone who has ever played video games knows, they are filled with subliminal messages telling players that copying what they do in video games in real life is just plain fun.

The group (ranging in age from 14-17) will be charged as adults, but how do you punish this type of idiocy? Simple jail time is not enough.

On top of the 5-10 years hard time they should receive, their days should be filled with watching wholesome shows like The Wiggles, Suite Life and Family Matters. If after that they make it through their full sentence without committing suicide, they would have earned their place back in society.

Come to think of it, jail time on top of being forced to watch those three shows may be viewed as a little too excessive.

How About Parkin' Those Tootsies In Some Shoes?

It’s that time of year again! The cold and rain has been replaced by warm, sunshiny days… and the regular view of every podiatrists’ wet dream on pretty much a daily basis.

Listen, I understand that those of you with ugly feet may be doing your ego and stepping out from behind your insecurities, but, heavens, could you please keep your carnival toes to yourself when in the general public? Some of us have appetites and sex drives we want to maintain.

If your toes look like a handful of salted-in-shell peanuts, you need to keep them in a shoe, rather than spread across an open-toe sandal, making your piggies look like a still shot of tiny wild horse breaking for freedom.

Spoiler alert. If you don’t know you have ugly feet, you have ugly feet.

On the plus side, you may have America’s introverts now looking you in the eye when they talk to you, but have you seen your face?

Alright!

Don't want to hear it from me? How about Tony Bennett?

Charlton Heston Must Be Spinning in His... Oh, Never Mind

Ready... Aim... Aw, fuck!

Score one more for the gun nuts. Grasping at a Constitutional amendment more than 200 years old and riding on the coattails of a gun nut in Antonin Scalia, the Supreme Court overturned a Washington, D.C., law banning the sale of handguns and assault rifles in the district, with the score 5-4.

Now that the trigger-heads got that one overruled, court papers are being filed in Chicago to overturn it's own handgun/assault rifle law. How did we celebrate in Chicago? With nine shootings in the city overnight. Beautiful.

The NRAers out there can come out and say this is why they need handguns. Really? Are you out there policing the streets and preventing the innocent bystanders--mostly kids--being caught in the crossfire? Nope. You're probably barricading your tiny-penis self in your basement with your gun collection, just waiting for the militia to be formed.

Guns are final. When someone gets into an altercation with someone and tempers flare out of control, a gun does not allow for cooler heads to prevail--it provides a cooler body to be tagged and bagged. What I fail to understand is just how influential gun lobbyists are with politicians and why regular Americans don't take a stand against these nimrods.

Sure, their high-priced attorneys and paid spokespeople are going to spin this as being an infringement on their Constitutional rights, but c'mon, people! The Constitution is one of the most outdated documents in the world. Even the smallest nonprofit organizations review their bylaws every one to two years and make adjustments for the times. When the Constitution was written, the right to bear arms was there because we were still a nation in its infancy and one pretty regularly under attack and without organized police patrols.

The most recent attacks on our homeland--911 and the oil lords regular rapings--couldn't have been prevented with handguns, and I am pretty certain we have police in just about every jurisdiction, even after Bush bankrupted all the states in 2001, forcing many police forces to be trimmed back. So, what's the militia for? Hm? Thought so.

As Chicago Mayor Richard Daley noted in a press briefing yesterday, isn't it interesting that you can't bring a gun into an airport, public building, on a bus, etc., but you can walk around the streets with one. For what? I guess as Homer would say, "Gotta shoot something."

So the next time we have a Columbine or Virgina Tech--those guns were obtained legally--remember our Supreme Court and the gun lobbyists who have bent over backwards to dishevel our nation and put us in harm's way.

In closing. Since Heston's hands are pretty much cold and dead, can I have his gun now? I may need it.

Just so you know, the following show legally purchased handguns and assault weapons and their aftermath. Ah, the Second Amendment....

Oh Great ... Born Agains

I have been a Christian my whole life. I've never bugged anyone with my beliefs, and if someone else is Jewish, Muslim, or any other religion, I don't bash them over the head with my views telling them they're wrong for having different beliefs than mine.

So. why is it that when someone is a Born Again Christian, they take it upon themselves to bash the religious views of everyone else, including those that share their views -- just not to the annoying level that they do?

One time, one of these Born Agains came up and asked me if I have accepted Jesus as my personal savior. My response: "Of course. Now get out of my face before I kick you to the curb, jackass!"

I mean, c'mon. Is there anything more annoying than having a complete stranger come up to you to talk about religion? If there's a purgatory for people who bug the shit out of you, the Born Agains can fill up the East wing for eternity.

Manage Your Franks and Beans

When you are on a crowded train, personal space is at a premium, but still people keep some level of coordination to their bodies when all smooshed together. Well, all but possibly the clown on my train yesterday, who was standing in the aisle of the train and kept hitting the guy sitting in front of me in the shoulder with his crotch.

At first Judge Smails had a good laugh about it, until Franks-and-Beans got shoved back one row at the next stop... to where I was sitting. The moron did the same thing to me. I had to lean over like I had scoliosis for the rest of the trip in order to avoid getting rubbed by Johnny and the gang.

I must have taken the train home with his sister, who, even though there was plenty of room in front of her, kept whomping her J-Lo butt into my thigh.

Perhaps there's something to be said for acting like you suffer from Tourrette's when taking public transportation.

Where have you gone, Sam the Butcher?

Tim Russert was a great broadcaster, and from all reports a great all-around guy. Plus, he was a baseball fan, so there was more than one reason for me to like him.

But, I have to agree with other critics I have heard bemoan the obnoxious amount of coverage that all media outlets dedicated to Russert. He was a great broadcaster, but not a head of state. So, did his death deserve more media coverage than president Gerald Ford received when he died in 2006?

Meanwhile, where was the media when Allan Melvin died earlier this year? That's right, Allan Melvin, star of stage and screen. He won us over in Brady Bunch as Alice's boyfriend Sam the Butcher; then he continued to wow his audience with his excellent portrayal of Barney Hefner in the all-time great comedy All in the Family. Added to that, he voiced dozens of cartoon characters, including Magilla Gorilla.

Allan Melvin's career was more than twice as long as Tim Russert's, yet his death warranted no more than a brief mention at the end of the nightly newscast, and a short obit in the next day's paper.

Tim Russert will definitely be missed, and I wouldn't say the copious coverage of his death sucked, but I wanted to dedicate some space here in the hopes that America's favorite corner butcher, Allan Melvin, won't be forgotten.

I want Cartoon editing O-W-T, Owt!

Classic cartoons were great to watch when I was a kid. I used to see the old Bugs Bunny cartoons from the 1940s when they took on Hitler and the Japanese, promoting the American way of life.

I was also a huge fan of Tom & Jerry, and enjoyed the cartoons with the African-American maid, Mammy Two Shoes.

When I was young, I never questioned race, I just enjoyed the cartoons, and thought they were funny, and I have grown up with no ill-conceived prejudices about people with ethnic backgrounds different than my own.

Unfortunately, expectations of today's families are apparently on the decline. For the past 10 to 15 years, PC editors have either pulled "questionable" cartoons, or have started editing them the way they feel they should be seen.

Gone are the World War II era Bugs Bunny cartoons -- no longer seen on our nation's airwaves. And, Mammy Two Shoes speech has now been edited, so instead of hearing her tell Tom to get "O-w-t, owt," -- you hear "Now, Thomas, what you just did was not nice, and I am going to put you outside." -- or some load of crap like that.

It has become so bad, that a popular Simpsons episode where Homer visits New York was taken off the syndication circuit for four years following 9-11 because censors thought it would be too hard for people to see Homer relieve himself in a bathroom in the World Trade Center.

How pathetic. I don't know who is behind these PC moves, but they should start giving parents in the US a little credit for raising their kids the right way, and assume that if they let their kids watch these cartoons that they will take the time to explain what they are seeing.

You can still see some of these gems, but you have to buy DVDs to get to them. And, kudos to Whoopi Goldberg, who provides an introduction on the Tom & Jerry series of cartoons. She gives a great explanation of why cartoons need to be displayed in their original form -- to show what our culture used to be like and how far we have come as a country. She tells the story of Lillian Randolph, who voiced Mammy Two Shoes (and also starred in It's a Wonderful Life and a number of other movies), and why her performance should be preserved and cherished. And, she reiterates the importance of parents taking the time to discuss these cartoons with their children.

Cartoon censors don't make the world a better place -- they make classic cartoons suck.

Happy Anniversary, Kenny!

Hey Kenny Williams, I hope you're enjoying the Cubs sweep of your beloved White Sox. I just wanted to say Happy One-Day Anniversary of this momentous occasion!

War of Words at the Dumb Ass Corral

Two of the most annoying people I know of are in the news again today.

Skeletor, er ... uh, I mean Don Imus, has stuck his racist foot in his mouth again. During his show today, reporter Warner Wolf was talking about the arrests of another loser, the Dallas Cowboys fallen star Pac-Man Jones, when Imus thought it was pertinent to ask what color Pac-Man Jones is.

As you can see in this blog -- I am color blind. A scumbag is a scumbag is a scumbag in my book, no matter what color they are. Does it matter what color Pac-Man Jones is if he has already been arrested for beating up a female stripper? Of course it doesn't. He is a despicable human being, and shouldn't be allowed to tarnish the NFL any longer, no matter what color he is.

And, the same could be said for Don Imus. From his questions about Jones, and his earlier remarks about the Rutgers women's basketball team, the guy should be out of a job. But, unfortunately, Citadel Broadcasting saw fit to hire him, because he apparently has a following and can make them some coin.

Enter, Al Sharpton. Here's a guy who has made a living being judge, jury and executioner for everything he sees fit to attack. Today, he was quoted as saying about the Imus remarks, "We will determine in the next day or so whether or not his remark warrants direct action on our part."

Give me a break. What is he going to do? I realize he takes credit for getting Imus kicked off CBS Radio, but that was more of a bow to overall public opinion than the threats made by Sharpton.

Imus will be judged by the court of public opinion, again, and as his ratings continue to slide due to his ridiculously stupid, racist comments, he will be off the air soon enough. And, for those of us who can't stand Imus, we can always tune to another station -- which I'm sure everyone can figure out for themselves without Reverend Sharpton getting involved.

As a Reverend, Al Sharpton should be concentrating on more important issues, and not just wait to "ambulance chase" the stories that will get him the most ink.

Don't worry Jerry, I don't want to come to your craphole!

In response to Judge Smails' post expressing his dislike of White Sox fans, I have to say that I don't completely agree with you.

I respect a lot of the true White Sox fans -- those who actually support the team when they are more than three games out of first place, and the very few who buy fitted hats showing their financial support for the Sox, instead of wearing the adjustable "official" White Sox hat with the Pepsi logo on the back.

While I am a die-hard Cubs fan, I used to be a big White Sox fan, too. I cheered for Julio Cruz, Tony Bernazard, Ron Kittle, The Bull, and the others who made Winning Ugly an art form in 1983.

I also enjoyed watching the young team in 1990 as Frank Thomas, Robin Ventura, Jack McDowell, Bobby Thigpen and their crew gave the Oakland A's a run for their money in the old West Division. In fact, I went to the last night game at Old Comiskey and saw the best fireworks show I have ever seen.

My problem started with interleague play in 1997. You'll recall the first two years of interleague play that the Cubs and Sox only played one series each year. In 1997, the Sox played host. I was anxious to see the Cubs finally play the Sox in games that actually counted. The 13 years prior to interleague play, the Cubs and Sox played one game against each other a year in the Crosstown Classic. I think the White Sox won 11 of the 13, and it was basically because they left their starters in most of the game, while the Cubs pulled theirs after one at-bat.

For the first Cubs-Sox series, I was ready to buy tickets to go, and was planning to buy tickets. Unfortunately, Jerry Reinsdorf forced fans to buy tickets to nine other games to have the privilege to attend one Cubs-Sox game. Obviously, this would deter Cubs fans from buying tickets, but less obvious to Jerry, it would force White Sox fans to do the same -- something they weren't apt to do.

When asked why he was requiring fans to buy tickets to nine games, Reinsdorf simply said, "I don't want Cubs fans in Cellular park."

Well, Jerry, your wish came true. I used to go to Sox games all the time, but since his stupid comment, I have only been back to Cellular field for required work functions, and when a friend asked me to go with him -- the ticket was already paid for, as was parking, and I had my son eat before the game, so we didn't have to spend a dime. And, I refuse to financially support the Sox until Reinsdorf sells the team.

People like Reinsdorf are what makes baseball suck. Rather than welcome fans from all walks of life to help fill his park, Jerry rather keep it cozy for the few Sox fans who fill the park, and storm the field to attack umpires from time-to-time.

I Hate Global Warming Fear Mongers!

I am not naive. I realize that global warming is happening, but why do scientists and politicians feel it's their obligation to blame every natural disaster on global warming in order to promote their agenda.

Case in point, a scientist with the NOAA is pinning the recent flooding in the Midwest on global warming. I guess if humans weren't impacting the environment, then we wouldn't have any natural disasters?

First things first, the recent flooding is a classic result of changes in currents in the Pacific Ocean -- which is currently moving from a La Nina pattern to an El Nino one. The heavy rains were actually predictable, and reputable meteorologists, including WFLD's Amy Freeze, have pointed to this pattern shift as the cause for the flooding. The heavy rains should stop over the next couple of weeks, when the shift is completed.

Now, I'm not a scientist or anything, but it seems to me that natural disasters have been occurring since the dawn of time. There was something called the "Ice Age" a long time ago, then from the mid-1400s until 1850, we had what was called, "The Little Ice Age." The Little Ice Age, in addition to a volcano eruption on a small island between Australia and Asia in 1815 actually caused it to snow in Boston for five straight days in June 1816 -- and sporadic snowfall continued there in July and August of that year.

More than a century later, in 1925, the Tri-State Tornado went from Missouri, to Illinois then Indiana. It stayed on the ground for more than 300 miles, and was blamed for nearly 700 deaths. Then in 1936, a record heatwave hit the Midwest that killed more than 5,000 people -- and made the mercury climb to over 100 degrees for 13 straight days in Peoria, IL. Tornadoes and heat waves of this magnitude have not occurred since.

My point is, unusual weather occurrences happen, and while natural disasters have been extreme over the past decade, they're not unprecedented. The issue is that population continues to rise, and homes continue to be built on lands that were once barren, so obviously the natural disasters are going to affect the lives of more people.

Hey scientists, next time it snows more than a foot in Chicago in January -- maybe you should consider that sometimes that happens, and stop scaring the population by pointing fingers at global warming.

"I'd love to stay and chat, but I have the runs."

"Hey RoadRage, you have a minute?" That's how it starts. The person you try to avoid at all costs, comes up and feels like that's the right time to start annoying you with their incessant blathering.

Sometimes, the chit-chat is fine, when you're talking to someone you actually like, or to someone who has something pertinent and interesting to say. Unfortunately, that's rarely the case.

While, I do get easily perturbed by others, and I do write this blog, I do like most of you humans. I try to be decent to people and not show my contempt, so I'm not the kind of person who can just tell someone to shut their cakehole and walk away ... I don't like hurting people's feelings. You have to be smooth in these situations and think of an easy way to get out of the conversation, without making the guy feel bad.

That's why I came up with this gem of an excuse: "I'd love to stay and chat, but I have the runs." Even the most inconsiderate person can't stop you from making your way to the bathroom before the inevitable happens. The trick is you have to sell it -- start walking away quickly, without running, and make sure the person you were talking to sees you go into the bathroom.

That way, you get out of a mundane conversation, and instead of making the guy you were talking to feel like he sucks, he just feels bad for you.

RoadRage

Stop You If You've Said This One Before

Have you ever met one of those people who thinks they are the life of the party and the funniest guy around? And at every social function, they pull out their same routine—one that just isn’t at all funny?

This guy I once knew through a friend used to tell a story or two about the same friend of his, each time doing his “awesome” impersonation of the guy. Each time he would start the story with, “You know how ‘Mark’ talks, right?” And each time, I would say, “Yes,” hoping this passive escape attempt would prevent him from going into the stupid impersonation all over again, but it just wasn’t enough.

He would tell the same story and do the same stupid impersonation to laughs from his chick and her friend and that was it, so I guess he thought that audience was how everyone else felt and that the rest of us were laughing on the inside.

News break. We were dying on the inside.

I don’t understand why completely unfunny people don’t realize they are not funny when they tell a joke or make what they think is funny commentary, to deadpan responses. I could point to it being a Mike Meyers condition of some sort, but the only reason he even gets movies made is because of morons like this who will pay to see them—and then do their impersonations of his characters for all to enjoy.

Aspiring comedians, political talking heads and impersonators, listen up. If your shtick only gets favorable replies from your chick or your mother, while making the skin of the rest of us crawl, keep your routines for just your chick and your mom and spare us. Please.

As Henny Youngman would say, “You have a ready wit. Let me know when it’s ready.”

Sleeping Ugly

Scalped ticket for Cubs-Sox game: $140

Pre-game beers at local sports bar: $87.25

Sleeping soundly in the stands for the first six innings of the ballgame: Priceless

This dude seriously slept through the first six innings. I had to wake him up three times to get past him to go to the bathroom--just one time. He fell back asleep within seconds of me waking him up on my way back to my seat.

It's one thing to get bombed before a game, because, Lord knows, I've done that many times in my day, but to do so when you are obviously older than 30 is a bit too much.

Webebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebe....

There Goes the Neighborhood!

Ah, south siders. The one vacation they can afford this year and it will be their exciting train trip to the north side, where they will act--as per usual--like cousin Eddie to Clark Griswold, overstaying their welcomes and dummying down our neighborhood.

A few things will be certain today. The south suburban forest preserves will be a little cleaner and a little quieter today, the mullet-to-jean-shorts ratio will be at record levels, and the average GPA of the 60657 postal code will drop two full points.

You may condemn me for being a hypocrite for ripping on south siders in a blog post so close to one ripping Kenny Williams for setting a north-south divide. What gives me the right to post such an entry is the fact that I grew up in south suburban moron land and experienced the tremendous levels of ignorance on a first-hand basis. Also, the only person who reads this blog is Road Rage, and I think he would agree with me on south siders.

You'll have nothing and like it!

Kenny Williams: Champion for Peace

On the eve of the Cubs/White Sox weekend series, Sox GM Kenny Williams decided to set a tone for the series, but rather could wind up doing nothing more than inciting riots between over-served Neanderthal south siders and silver-spoon-up-their-ass boneheads from the north and western suburbs.

In an interview yesterday, Williams was quoted as saying about the differences between the north and south sides:

"It is so different. You might as well build a border, a Great Wall of China on Madison, because we are so different. We might as well be in two different cities. The unfortunate thing for me is it's a shame that a certain segment of Chicago refused to enjoy a baseball championship being brought to their city. The only thing I can say is, 'Happy anniversary.'"

Happy anniversary for what, you moron? I checked this weekend in history and can't make the connection. Were you talking about the birthday of West Virginia (warm up the banjos)? Bush vetoing another stem cell research bill? Or is it the race riots in Detroit?

I know you were trying to fire a shot across the boughs of Cubs brass and prickle Cubs fans a bit in advance of the series, but, Kenny, think before you speak. Words like these do nothing more than fan flames between irate fans on both sides and will most likely lead to additional fights in the stands at the game.

It's one thing to rip on the clubhouse, lack of parking, etc., as Ozzie has done, because it's all in good fun. To go with the "with us or against us" spin is nothing short of reckless.