Here's What Sucks About Marathons

Running marathons is very gratifying, and every different race across the country has its own particular charm. But, like everything else in this world, there are aspects about marathons that suck. And, in honor of today's Chicago Marathon, I thought I'd rattle off the top five things that suck about running marathons.

5. When you talk with people who don't participate, and you tell them you're running a marathon, you inevitably are asked, "How long is this marathon?" If I wanted to be a wise ass I could just repeat that it's a marathon, since the definitive distance of a marathon is 26.2 miles, but I just tell them since I know they're just ignorant and are trying to be conversational. I knew how long a marathon was way before I started running them -- shouldn't it be considered general knowledge?

4. If you are not running a well-organized marathon, like the one in Chicago, the port-o-potties can be few and far between. There are many runners who can't hold their bowels for more than ten minutes, so they feel it necessary to take a very short detour off the course to relieve themselves. Unavoidable, but still disgusting.

3. Going corporate -- After running four Chicago Marathons, I will never participate again. When I started, my family used to be able to sit in the seats at the finish line and watch me as I finally made it to the end. It's what makes the race worth running -- and in fact, it's what makes running smaller marathons so enjoyable. In Chicago, LaSalle Bank (and now Bank of America) decided to give the seats at the finish line to race sponsors, and now friends and family of participants can't watch you complete the race -- so what's the point?

2. People who die running marathons. For those of you who are training to run future races, get this through your head -- unless you are an elite runner, there is no way in hell that you are going to win the marathon. Slow down, make sure you hydrate yourself and eat bananas, if necessary. If you feel dizzy, nauseated, or like you are going to pass out just stop and walk. There's no reason to push yourself to the point that you are going to die, you're not Kenyan, so just enjoy the fact that you are going to complete the race. Which brings me to the final thing that sucks about marathons ...

1. Kenyans. If baseball players are taking human growth hormones, these guys (and women) must be taking human reduction hormones. How the hell can they run basically 13 miles an hour for two hours straight with no breaks, no pain, and then afterwards just act like they ran around the block? The worst part about it is when you are running the race. You just finished mile 13 and you hear that the Kenyans have already crossed the finish line. It's more than a little demoralizing to realize that you still have 13 miles to go, and that by the time you finish, the Kenyans will probably be flying over New York by then.

That being said, these are minor issues. For those of you who are looking to improve your health, I highly recommend setting the goal of running a marathon. Like I said at the beginning, you'll find things that suck with everything in this world, and marathons are a little less sucky than everything else.

RoadRage