OK, We All Get It. You're Not Getting Laid

Perhaps it was a recessive gene Smails missed. Maybe it was some chemical injected into the Cheetos Smails never ate. Something in the drinking water? Who knows? Smails will just never understand why nerds from coast to coast and from lands far away take it upon themselves to make their five seconds of fame a true showing of their nerdtastic ways—by dressing up as the heroes and anti-heroes in top sci-fi and action adventure films and then heading out into public.

With The Dark Knight opening a little over a week ago, throngs of people waited for hours in line and even took in 3am showings of the movie, all showing their support for what some critics are calling the film of the year. As much as I would like to say I was surprised, I wasn't when the news reels showed opening night and subsequent showings as people entered the theaters—dressed as Bat Man or The Joker.

We first experienced this with the second set of three Star Wars films, as dorks from near and far tried to outdo one another with their Star Wars costumes, some having to have plunked down thousands for full Darth Vader costumes. Money which could have been used to feed a family, address global warming or even get laid. Even still, those costumes weren't as pathetic as the goofs running around their homes, malls, video arcades, office cubicle areas and church picnics imitating Jar-Jar Binks, the worst character in the history of film at the time (Mike Meyers would overtake that honor with The Love Guru.).

Why do you ignore your delusions of grandeur to think that by slopping some white and green makeup on your face or wearing a breathable Batman mask you become those characters? Do you not realize that you have put on the nerd reverse-camouflage, thus putting your lives in danger from the jocks? It's tantamount to a wild rabbit slashing itself and sitting in the middle of an open lot below a flock of predatory birds.

So, nerds, I offer this final hint before you leave the safety of your parents' basement for a Friday night out. Unless you enjoy the taste of toilet water or like having your Fruit-of-the-Looms stretched over the back of your head, leave the costumes to the professionals and spare us all a look into your creepy lifestyle.

Judge Elihu Smails