Winning Breeds Idiocy Among Cub Fans

I never thought I'd have to write negatively about Cubs fans on this blog, but some Cubs fans suck!

I'm a die-hard Cub fan, so that's hard for me to say, but apparently winning is either too much for some fans to handle, or such foreign territory that they don't know how to act.

In two separate actions of idiocy, a group of three Cubs fans ganged up on a fan of another team and beat the snot out of him.

Some playful bantering with a White Sox fan at a kid's birthday party earlier this month resulted in the Sox fan losing his eye after three buddies had had enough talk and decided to start engaging in fisticuffs.

Then, just this past week, when the Cubs were busy sweeping the Brewers in Milwaukee, a drunk Brewer fan threw a bag of garbage at a bus full of Cubs fans; so naturally three of the fans got off the bus, chased him down and beat him so severely that he required surgery.

I know that as a Cub fan you are part of a very large fraternity, but you don't have to act like you're actually in a fraternity and beat up on people when you are drunk and outnumber your opponent.

The next couple of months can be a great ride, as the Cubs try to make it back to the World Series for the first time in 63 years -- I just hope it's not ruined by more stories of moronic, drunken Cub fans taking out their years of frustration on unsuspecting fans of other teams.

RoadRage

Uh Oh ... Here They Come!

Another quick post before I turn in ...

The temperature in Chicago is going to reach 95 degrees this weekend, and you know what that means -- plenty of news stories where Global Warming fear mongers will be interviewed to ask them how in the world the temperature can reach 95 degrees in Chicago in August.

I wonder how many species will become extinct from the two days of 90+-degree weather in Chicago this week.

Just remember what RoadRage told you all in this post on June 21 -- the El Nino weather pattern has taken over for La Nina in the Pacific Ocean. We in the Midwest will now have to deal with some high temps over the next month, but come winter, if this is a typical El Nino year, we will have above average temperatures. That will help us save on our gas bills, but we'll have to put up with the scare tactics from the Global Warming fanatics.

Enjoy the heat!

RoadRage

Quick Update on the Oil Bastards

The BPs (butt plugs) from BP announced their second quarter numbers yesterday, and here's a surprise, their net profit continues to rise -- to the tune of $9.47 billion for the quarter, up 28 percent year-over-year.

Yet, before the next quarter results are announced, BP execs will be brought before Congress again to explain why the price of gas is so high, and they'll all sit there bemoaning their losses, and investments in research and development.

Next time you hear these scumbags cry poor, click back to this link and read about the ungodly amount of money they made last quarter.

All of you oil execs can go to hell!

RoadRage

Ben's World! Ben's World! Party Time! Excellent!

Just when you thought Republican celebrity pundits couldn't get any stupider, Ben Stein has stepped to the plate and hit a home run.

No, I'm not talking about his recent New York Times editorial, where he insists the economy isn't all that bad. I'm talking about his suggestion that John McCain gussy up his campaign with a little help from... Karl Rove.

Dude, go for it. Go for the guy who led the whisper campaigns against you in the 2000 primaries, where voters were asked if they would vote for you if they knew you fathered a black child, or if they would feel confident with someone's mentality after being held in a tiger cage for years. Go for the guy who outed a U.S. spy, which is tantamount to treason and punishable buy death. Go for the guy who orchestrated the lies that got us into the shit-storm in Iraq. Go for the guy who was Bush's brain--he burned the other one on coke.

Ben, are you drunk, or just stupid?Did you really think this one out before speaking? I know that most Americans are morons, but I would think that with the way the economy has gone and all the hell this administration has put our country in, proposing its poster child for a third term is probably about as sensible as dipping your nuts in tuna oil and dangling them over the seal tank at the zoo.

Then again, Ben, I can understand why you would say such iodiotic things. You were, after all, one of Nixon's speech writers.

Thanks, Republicans! You Have Officially Fucked Up My Country

Dear Republicans,

Smails here. Just dropping a quick note to say thank you for officially fucking up my country. In an effort to "restore integrity to the White House," you installed your "good man" to take a country with a trillion dollar surplus, a stable economy and good standing in the world, who in turn has decimated the national budget, driven huge divides between us and the rest of the free world, and lied to get us into an unnecessary, illegal war which has resulted in the deaths of thousands, lifelong injuries to tens of thousands, weakened the middle east, helped the bottom lines of his buddies' companies and left my kid's generation to foot the bill.

Thanks, Republicans.

Things were just fine and dandy like sour candy. Sure, we had a president who got a hummer from some chubby page, which, egads, was a terror! How could we as a nation stand for that? Because we are a sinking ship of double standards. We are a nation of Gladys Kravitzes, with at least 49% of us just getting the absolute willies about what happens behind people's closed doors. But hey, you slap a Republican tag on some idiot and he should be the leader of the free world, because he is "a good man."

As much as you may have hated Clinton because he took the presidency and righted the sinking ship left by President Monkey's father, the answer was not Bush. But as long as someone tells you they are born again and throws the God factor at you, you can all forget about the copious amounts of blow he shoved up his nose, companies he ran into the ground and military service he was able to dodge. And when he completely fucks up in his first term in office, you still reelect him. Why? Because John Kerry may have not been straight about what he did with his dog tags from Vietnam. At least HE WENT TO VIETNAM, instead of getting flying duty over Texas because of his daddy's connections.

But hey, it's all good, right? We'll have a democrat come in and fix all your shit again, while the Rush Limbaughs and Bill O'Reillys of the world contaminate the airwaves with preposterous lies and Bush gets paid tens of thousands of dollars to speak at your events, all for doing nothing more than being born a rich kid with the last name of another president.

Thanks, Republicans. You have officially fucked up my country.

Kind regards,

Judge Elihu Smails

Mmmm ... Doesn't What I'm Eating Sound Good?

One of my favorite things to do is eat. In fact, Mrs. RoadRage gets on me a lot for travelling three hours just to go to my favorite restaurant (Paul Bunyan's in the Wisconsin Dells).

My least favorite thing ... hearing other people eat. I learned early on in my life that you should close your mouth while chewing, but that lesson just hasn't caught on with some people.

Why is it so hard for these slobs to close their mouths while they eat? If they are coordinated enough to open their cake holes and get the food in there, is it too much to ask that they close their traps after completing this complicated task? I don't know what makes me more upset ... the annoying noises, or the fact that these people are so oblivious to the people around them that they don't realize they are bothering everyone.

I can understand when my young daughter eats with her mouth open, and it didn't upset me when my elderly grandparents did it before they passed away, but if you are between the ages of eight and 72, there's no excuse for you.

So, next time your chomping down on some Reese's Pieces or trail mix, do the right thing and either close your yap, or go to the bathroom, turn on the fan, and chew your cud to your heart's content, you stinkin' cow!

RoadRage

Hey Man, The Lawnmower Started It!

As I watch the Chicago Cubs - Milwaukee Brewers game tonight, I am reminded of one of the Cheese State's news makers this past weekend.

Upstanding citizen Keith Walendowski was trying to mow his lawn, but the damn thing just wouldn't cooperate. So, Keith did what any man's man would do...he pulled out his shot gun and opened fire. That'll learn that mower...that'll learn it but good.

Who does that mower think he is? He's asked to work one hour every two weeks, but he just sits there like a lazy ass, working on his tan, oblivious to the fact that Keith's grass was getting pretty high. Keith just couldn't take his mower's insubordination any more, and had to make him pay.

Now, Keith is facing the possibility of a $11,000 fine and a six-and-a-half year prison sentence for murdering his lawn mower. But Keith has a great defense ... on top of being totally wasted at the time, he also reasons that it's his property and he can shoot any household appliance he deems as surly.

I just fear for Keith's life if he's thrown in jail. I've heard what has happened to people who have done what he has. Every green thumb in the place will be trying to kill him in his sleep -- and don't even think about taking a shower (not that he would -- check out his picture on the link). I just pray that for Keith's sake that he's thrown in a minimum-security prison, where he's sentenced to mowing the grounds until 2014. That'll learn Keith ... that'll learn him but good.

RoadRage

#6 Suckiest Person -- O.J. Simpson

This scumbag doesn't need much narration. He got away with murder, and has been flaunting it ever since.

For the younger set, O.J. Simpson was accused of killing his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her companion Robert Goldman back in 1994.

After being arrested and getting bailed out, he led police on a famous, slow-moving chase through the streets of L.A. Threatening to commit suicide, he was unfortunately talked out of it.

What came next was the trial of the century, where O.J. was cleared of any wrong doing in the deaths of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Goldman. The trial was a sham, with millions of dollars thrown at lawyers who convinced a jury of morons (O.J.'s peers) that Simpson was innocent.

Anyone outside the courtroom who heard the evidence during the televised trial had already convicted Simpson, and in my opinion he literally got away with murder. Later, a jury in a civil trial agreed, holding Simpson financially responsible for the murders. He was ordered to pay an insane amount of money to the relatives of each of the victims, but has yet to pay off his debt -- claiming that he is bankrupt. Yet, somehow, he manages to travel around the world and is not living on the streets, where he belongs. And, every now and then you hear about him because people want to pay him to write books about what happened -- his version of reality that never reveals anything factual.

Simpson, if you stay out of jail following your latest run in with the law, I hope you'll do us all a favor, move to the northernmost point of Russia and never stick your face in public again. You suck!

RoadRage

Wow, Motorcycle Driver, You Are So Cool!

This past week, Mrs. RoadRage was awakened two different days at 5:45 a.m. to the sounds of a motorcycle revving its engine as it made its way down the 25-MPH street outside our window.

Since I wake up at 5:00 in the morning, it didn't bother me, but my wife was pretty upset. All I could do was think of how cool that guy was.

I mean, who else can make so much noise at so early in the morning; drawing attention to themselves by waking people up with their boss motorcycle. Wow, I was just so impressed. I wish I could have stopped him and got his autograph, but he was gone like a flash.

You know what would make him really awesome? If he picked up some optional equipment to make his bike even louder. That kind of machinery really turns the women on and makes the gents soooo envious of the guy and his ride. Imagine, if motorcycle drivers just drove down the street without interrupting everybody else's day? That just wouldn't be cool.

So, I salute you motorcycle drivers for not caring about anyone else but yourselves and being the suckiest group of people on the nation's roadways. How about you all grow up, stop weaving in and out of traffic and keep it quiet.

RoadRage

Watch Your Balls ... Here Comes Jesse!

This post is more than a week overdue, but Jesse Jackson's idiocy can't go unnoticed by RoadRage.

Caught talking about presidential candidate Barack Obama, when he thought he was off mic, the good Reverend, Jesse Jackson, said that he would like to cut Obama's nuts off. I haven't heard anything so disgusting come out of a Reverend's mouth since one called New York Hymietown in 1984...oh wait, that was Jackson again.

Apparently, Jackson was upset about Barack's position on faith-based initiatives, and syndicated talk show host Larry Elder has brought up some excellent points on why Jesse might be thinking about making it impossible for Barack to reproduce.

But, in actuality, there is no reason for a man in Rev. Jackson's position to say something like that. Barack has a good chance at becoming the first African-American president in U.S. history, meaning that he will be able to do more for black people than anyone before him, so Jesse should be throwing his full support behind him and going on the road to campaign for Barack.

But, as Elder eludes to in his commentary, Jesse, much like Rev. Sharpton, has worked his whole career using the race card to further his own personal agenda and that of his friends.

Elder talks about how Jesse and his colleagues attacked beer industry for a lack of African-American owned beer distributorships, which led to Jackson's sons receiving an Anheuser-Busch distributorship in Chicago.

Added to that, again like Sharpton, Jesse only takes on causes that are news makers, or ones that will further his career individually -- the others, he just ignores. You have heard very little from him about the victims of Katrina since the TV cameras have moved away from New Orleans. And, where has he been to speak out for the displaced African-Americans following the Midwest floods?

Jesse, put the scissors away, go out on the road and start campaigning for Barack. After this year's election, hang it up, so that the world doesn't have to deal with you.

RoadRage

OK, We All Get It. You're Not Getting Laid

Perhaps it was a recessive gene Smails missed. Maybe it was some chemical injected into the Cheetos Smails never ate. Something in the drinking water? Who knows? Smails will just never understand why nerds from coast to coast and from lands far away take it upon themselves to make their five seconds of fame a true showing of their nerdtastic ways—by dressing up as the heroes and anti-heroes in top sci-fi and action adventure films and then heading out into public.

With The Dark Knight opening a little over a week ago, throngs of people waited for hours in line and even took in 3am showings of the movie, all showing their support for what some critics are calling the film of the year. As much as I would like to say I was surprised, I wasn't when the news reels showed opening night and subsequent showings as people entered the theaters—dressed as Bat Man or The Joker.

We first experienced this with the second set of three Star Wars films, as dorks from near and far tried to outdo one another with their Star Wars costumes, some having to have plunked down thousands for full Darth Vader costumes. Money which could have been used to feed a family, address global warming or even get laid. Even still, those costumes weren't as pathetic as the goofs running around their homes, malls, video arcades, office cubicle areas and church picnics imitating Jar-Jar Binks, the worst character in the history of film at the time (Mike Meyers would overtake that honor with The Love Guru.).

Why do you ignore your delusions of grandeur to think that by slopping some white and green makeup on your face or wearing a breathable Batman mask you become those characters? Do you not realize that you have put on the nerd reverse-camouflage, thus putting your lives in danger from the jocks? It's tantamount to a wild rabbit slashing itself and sitting in the middle of an open lot below a flock of predatory birds.

So, nerds, I offer this final hint before you leave the safety of your parents' basement for a Friday night out. Unless you enjoy the taste of toilet water or like having your Fruit-of-the-Looms stretched over the back of your head, leave the costumes to the professionals and spare us all a look into your creepy lifestyle.

Judge Elihu Smails

Heeeyyyy! Why Can't You Come Through in the Clutch, Fonz?!

Why does Chicago Cubs announcer Len Kasper refer to Alfonso Soriano as Fonzi? His name may sound similar, but he definitely doesn't deserve the moniker.

I grew up watching Fonzi, aka Arthur Fonzarelli, on the TV series Happy Days. And the reason he was so "cool" was that he always came through at the most crucial time. In fact, the line, "Way to come through in the clutch, Fonz!" was used too many times to count during the series 11-year run.

Fonzi routinely saved his compadres from a beating from a group of hoodlums, worked to restore order when people wanted to rumble with his mere presence, and always had wise, sage advice for Mr. C and the older generation. You could always count on the Fonz.

That's just not the case with Soriano, as he proved again yesterday against the Florida Marlins. Soriano came up in the bottom of the eighth inning with guys on second and third and the score tied 2-2. This was right after Jim Edmonds limped to second on a bad knee. Edmonds, who came up with two outs, could have stayed at first, but he wanted to eliminate the force play and get in scoring position -- i.e. he came through in the clutch.

Up steps Soriano, who promptly pops up to second base; once again proving that you can't count on him when you need a big hit. Why? Because he doesn't care about how the team does, only how he looks at the plate. Why settle for a measly base hit to the opposite field to drive in two runs when you can hit the long ball? At least that seems to be his approach to the game, considering his poor pitch selection, and the way he over swings at crucial points in the game.

Don't get me wrong. Soriano isn't the only culprit on the Cubs. It seems everyone on the team, including Kosuke Fukodome, are doing the same thing. They were winning early in the year because they were patient at the plate, worked the count and drove starting pitchers out of the game early. Now, their tendencies to play for themselves and to hit for the fences every time up at the plate are returning, and they are starting to lose again. If they don't turn it around soon and start playing for each other, they'll not only fall behind the Brewers but the Cardinals as well, and the 100 year championship drought will continue.

Now, if we could only suit up the real Fonzi the next time the Cubs have bases loaded with nobody out, we might have a chance to score-u-mundo. Heeeeyyyyyyy!!

RoadRage

Disney -- Your Safety is Not Our Concern

When you're worried about the safety of a loved one who is staying at a hotel, you better hope they aren't staying at The Dolphin in Orlando.

During a recent stay at The Dolphin, Smails' wife went MIA. Typically she would call first thing in the morning or on her way to her morning meetings, if for nothing else, to check in on her child. When that call did not come through and calls to her cell phone and hotel room were not answered, I became worried.

So, what did I do? I called hotel security at The Dolphin and told them the situation. All I wanted them to do was to check her room door records to see if she had left the room that morning. They told me they couldn't give that information—duh—and I told them I didn't want it, but I just wanted them to check. They said they would call the room and would call me back.

I waited 30 minutes... Nothing. So I called the Dolphin Keystone Cops again and got the same runaround. "We called her room, but there was no answer," officer Doofus said. I told him I know that, and that was the reason I called them. I had requested on my first call for someone to just go to her room, knock on her door, see if she is there. The response? "I have to wait for someone else to come to check the room."

This charade went on for more than two hours! In that time span, the crack security team at The Dolphin never called me back, acted completely nonchalant about the entire thing and, in my summation, proved that guest security is not a high priority.

On my final call, which was more than two hours since the first call, the guy told me, "Oh, I forgot to call you. We checked her room and there was no one there."

That took two hours? What if she had fallen in the shower and was in need of help? What if she was injured and couldn't get to the phone? What if she was a diabetic and had gone into a coma?

The Dolphin, you have failed. I understand there are privacy issues with giving out room information. I wasn't looking for that. All I wanted was for someone to check her room to see if she was OK—a process which should have taken 10 to 20 minutes tops. But it took you two hours. I hope plenty of people get the word about this and choose to not stay at your property on their Disney vacation.

The Dolphin—Not Jumping Through Hoops for Guests Since 2008

Judge Elihu Smails

Mayor McCheese is Pissed

The way this country is going, by 2015, Americans won't have to have any responsibility for their own well being.

The Los Angeles city council is currently considering legislation that would ban the opening of fast food restaurants in a 32-square-mile area -- so restaurants like McDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell and (my personal favorite) Fuddruckers would not be welcome.

So, why does LA want to evict Mayor McCheese and Grimace? Because they want to help eliminate the city's obesity problem. Why is it that people shouldn't be expected to take care of that themselves?

I have been eating at fast food restaurants my whole life, and I'm not one pound overweight. My heart rate is normal and cholesterol is low. Why? Because I exercise, so that I can eat what I like to eat.

Eliminating fast food restaurants isn't going to stop people from being fat -- they'll just find what they want to eat elsewhere; whether it's overindulging at existing restaurants in the area or at home. The culprit here isn't McDonald's or the other fast food chains, it's over indulgence and a lack of exercise. What is more, idiotic legislation like this helps foster the belief among the overweight that it's not their fault they're fat, and it's not their responsibility to take off the extra pounds.

If these LA legislators want to improve the lives of the citizens in their city, why aren't they outlawing the sale of beer or cigarettes in this 32-mile area?

People should be responsible for their own health, and for teaching their kids healthy life choices -- like keeping fast food meals to a minimum. If people choose to over indulge and feed their kids french fries, Whoppers and McGriddles, that's their own prerogative. It's not the responsibility of the government to help them lose weight and create legislation that would hinder organizations like my beloved Fuddruckers from making a buck.

Hey LA lawmakers, instead of going after criminals like the Hamburglar, why don't you go after the real criminals in your area. A long, slow death by eating half-pound Fuddrucker burgers is a lot more fun than getting killed by a bullet in the head from a gang member who shoots you down for wearing your hat the wrong way.

RoadRage

#7 Suckiest Person -- John Wilkes Booth

It's been a while since my last post on the Top 10 Suckiest People List. I know everyone has been on pins and needles waiting for #7, and as you can see in the headline, the nod goes to John Wilkes Booth.

Some of you may be wondering why John Wayne Gacy isn't ranked higher than Booth, and my answer is that Booth's act of assassinating Abraham Lincoln impacted far more people's lives.

After the Confederacy loss in the Civil War, Booth held Lincoln responsible and wanted to get revenge for all of the South by taking out Lincoln and other key members of his cabinet.

Booth thought he would be hailed as a hero in the South, but when he escaped Ford's Theater, he found out pretty quickly that he had misjudged how the South would feel about his act of vengeance. He survived for 12 days, until Union troops shot him down at the Garrett farm in Maryland. (If you are interested in reading about the 12-day chase for Booth, pick up James Swanson's Manhunt -- probably the best book I've ever read.)

Although no one will ever know, I feel Booth's assassination of Lincoln prolonged the reconstruction era for years, and made it harder for the country to heal from the wounds of the Civil War. Lincoln was an advocate for a quick resolution following the war, and wanted the southern states to be readmitted to the Union as soon as possible.

Following his death, Andrew Johnson was in charge, and he wanted to make the South pay for what it had done. Georgia, the last state to be accepted back in the Union, didn't get full statehood until 1877, when Union troops were finally withdrawn.

I also believe that had Lincoln lived, he would have helped introduce legislation that would have made life easier for millions of black Americans. But, again, we'll never know because of the #7 suckiest person, John Wilkes Booth.

RoadRage

In Related Stupid Oil News ...

Sometimes, the stupid things I hear about the high cost of oil just make me want to scream.

Case in point, today, in a report by the Commodity Futures Trading Commission -- that's right, the frickin' Commodity Futures Trading Commission -- the high cost of oil is being put on "fundamental supply and demand factors."

Gee, I wonder if the results of that report are a wee bit biased. Why the hell do reports like this even get coverage from the media? Of course the CFTC is going to cite supply and demand as the issue behind high oil prices, because then they can continue to rape the American public by artificially jacking up the price of oil.

Isn't this report similar to what the tobacco industry told us back in the 60s, when they said their research conclusively showed that cigarettes don't cause cancer? It makes me want to pull out the few remaining hairs I have in my head.

I've said it in this blog before, and I'll say it here again -- current oil reserve levels are higher than they have been at any point over the last 15 years. If were following the law of supply and demand, as the CFTC reports, gas prices should be about a buck a gallon, based on the prices we were paying prior to January 20, 2001.

RoadRage

John McCain, Don't be a Dumbass

Campaign rhetoric has started in full force, and John McCain's latest claims against Barack Obama are just asinine.

In his newest campaign ad, McCain says the American public should blame Barack Obama for high gas prices.

Get this -- McCain says Obama is to blame because he hasn't voted to allow oil drilling in the U.S.

Okay, Senator, let's say that Obama did vote to allow it. First off, the resolution failed by more than one vote, so it would have failed anyway.

Secondly, if the resolution did pass, gas prices would most likely continue to rise over the next ten years to cover the cost for the labor and equipment it would take to find the oil, drill for it, and turn it into usable gasoline. You think the oil execs are going to suck up the cost for that?! Give me a break.

Stop dreaming, Senator McCain, and start blaming the real culprits -- crooked politicians already in power who have given oil executives carte blanche to do whatever they want, and hedge fund investors who can turn a light breeze in the Atlantic into a potential hurricane that will destroy all refineries in the Gulf. This, in turn, routinely leads to a $5.00/barrel increase for the cost of oil and a big payday for investors.

RoadRage

All Drivers Suck, Except Me!

Hello again fans of the People Suck blog. I am back from vacation, and after traveling 1,600 miles by car, RoadRage is full of rage!

First off, thanks to Dodge-Chrysler for continuing to make shoddy products. After only 60,000 miles, our Grand Caravan's radiator hose broke, stranding us in North Carolina for a day, and postponing our vacation to Myrtle Beach by one day. Luckily, we found a good guy named Carl to fix it at a very reasonable price.

The biggest hassle on the trip was the traffic and the stupid people who populate our nation's roadways. And, it's very odd that when you're driving for that long, you start to recognize the similarities in the driving tendencies of people from the same state.

Michigan drivers act like their on the Autobahn, no matter what the weather conditions are, the time of day, or if there's construction.

Ohioans do whatever they can to ruin your time on the road. If they're in the left lane and you're in the right trying to pass someone, they speed up or slow down seemingly just to get in your way -- they go 30 over the speed limit when they're behind you and 30 under when they're in front of you.

People from Indiana need to just pull over when they see other drivers come by, because they don't seem to know what they are doing ever.

Fortunately, drivers in the south are a little better, and seem to be more considerate of the people around them. Unfortunately. I had to come back home, and face the same moronic drivers from the North again.

And, added to the pain of that was the fact that it took three hours to drive the last 40 miles home. How? The state of Illinois, in its infinite wisdom, decided to launch construction projects on the two main highways that go through the city. We stopped in Ohio for the last night of the trip, and it took four hours to get to the Illinois state line before we hit the wall of traffic.

I wish all the memories I had of my trip were of the fun I had with my family in South Carolina, but, alas, what will stick in my mind are my car breaking down and the sucky drivers who ruined my road trip.

RoadRage

Rove Warriors?

In an effort to get to the bottom of a lot of dealings by former presidential advisor Karl Rove, Congress subpoenaed him to testify before a Congressional committee. Failure to show up for the subpoena would result in a warrant being sworn out for his arrest for contempt of Congress. So on June 11, did he show for the hearing? You guessed it. No.

According to Rove, he was in Europe on a trip he had planned well before he was called to testify.

Rove, thumbing his nose at Congress, indicated before this vacation that he would not testify under oath because he has executive privilege, but he did indicate that, much like his former boss, he would be happy to meet with the committee. This led to much ballyhooing on the Hill last week, with blood really boiling Thursday—well, kind of sort of.

In an open meeting with the public the morning of July 10, Congressman Rich Hare (D-IL) was questioned by a person in the audience how Congress would respond if Rove failed to show for his testimony, asking if Congress would swear out a warrant for his arrest. Hare, not saying specifically if that would happen, still fired a shot across the bouw, saying sternly, “If I were him, I’d show up.”

Now is the time for this Congress to grow a pair and not back down. Karl Rove, just like his boss or any of his hench(wom)en are not in any way above the law. If you or I were called to testify, knowing that if we didn’t we would be in contempt and face jail time, methinks we would make the effort to be there 30 minutes ahead of time to answer any preliminary questions and hand out our diaries from the past 20 years.

Smails will come right out and say it: Rove is a dick. He is perhaps one of the slimiest people to ever walk the Earth and has done nothing more than practice his bullying tactics to get the Bush Administration, as well as Republican administrations of the past, elected and then to push forth its party lines with propaganda: The U.S. Patriot Act, No Child Left Behind, pushing for a vote to give Bush the authorization to use military force with Iraq in an election season and then spinning around and saying Congress pushed Bush, raising the terror threat level during the 2004 elections when Kerry would make a move against Bush… that list goes on.

What about prior to him getting a cushy seat with the Bush administration? How about the whisper campaigns he ran in swing states against John McCain during the 2000 primaries (“Would you vote for McCain if you knew he fathered a black child?”) and the full-page ad in Max Cleland’s home state, putting a picture of Cleland—a triple-amputee Vietnam vet—next to one of Bin Laden because he would not support sending the troops to Iraq, saying there wasn’t clear enough evidence? Cleland was not re-elected because of this.

Then we have the Valeri Plame case. Outing her to the press because her husband made your boss look bad by proving he lied about yellow cake being sought by Iraq from Africa is treason, which is punishable by death.

Click here just in case you want to read in detail a little more about this ass and his service to the right.

Congress, you need to take a stand with this prick and show this country and the rest of the world that we no longer stand for playground bullies. Make similar cases to those he has made against you and your constituents when you didn’t follow along with his lies and betrayals. Sure, the FOXies (his current employer) of the world will try to make him a pariah, but keep in mind that his shtick has worn down with the U.S. public.

And when you subpoena him, drag the testimony out until Bush leaves office, so there is no way this son of a bitch gets a free walk from his snow blowing former boss.

Hm? Hm? Alright!

He Who Smelt It…

Has to try to breathe it!

New rule for guys: If you are in a public john melting a urinal cake with your wee-stream, cork up your ass or reserve your fecal orchestrations for the stall or some sensible crap-dusting in the open air.

I don’t know about most guys out there, but when you’ve been holding back the golden sprinkle for a while and are finally in Relief Land, you want to let out a sigh, which is typically followed by oxygen intake. When Nuclear Ned is next to you airing out his bowels and polluting the air with his own poop cloud, you're stuck. If it’s an air horn providing advanced notice that the nuclear winter his heading your way, you have one last chance to turn the other cheek and draw in some air like a snorkeler before a reef dive. But if he’s a hisser and you don’t notice it until you breathe in, your choked off, coughing back someone’s spent meal.

So, passy-gassies, if you can’t control your sphincter during your liquid release, hit the stalls. While you’re in there, be sure to mind your gate though. You never know when your neighbor is a Republican Senator.

NEW RULE: Nobody Over 60 Can Use a Cell Phone While Driving

I was driving home tonight following a guy going 25 in a 40 mph zone. When I was finally able to pass the idiot on a two lane highway, I noticed he was trying to use his cell phone.

This isn't the first time this has happened to me, of course. It seems like it happens every day, and then when I get by them I catch a freight train.

How is it that 30-year-old women can drive, use their cell phone, eat and put on eyeliner all at the same time, and still go the speed limit and middle-aged man can't do two things at once?

That's why I'm calling for RoadRage's New Rule: Nobody Over 60 Can Drive and Use a Cell Phone at the Same Time! They're a menace to society, and a menace to me getting anywhere on time. They suck!

From now on, RoadRage law requires 60+ old people to pull over to the side of the road when they have to make a phone call, buy a bluetooth (your kids can show you how it works), or install a rotary phone on the dash, since you're probably more used to using that.

Go to hell!

RoadRage

#8 Suckiest Person -- John Wayne Gacy

This list could have been filled with mass murderers like Jeffrey Dahmer, David Berkowitz or Richard Speck, but John Wayne Gacy out-sucked them all, so I chose him to represent all of these scumbags.

Gacy killed 33 young boys and men from 1972 to 1978, and he did it right outside Des Plaines, IL, where I lived from 1973 to 1978. This sick bastard was a pedophile, and entertained children as a clown. Then after he was jailed he started painting, and some sick losers (many of them musicians who conversed with him while he was on death row) were interested in buying his work. Many of his paintings were sold, but one decent person took a stand and bought a lot of 25 paintings at auction just to destroy them.

Gacy was put to death on May 10, 1994 -- 16 years too late. Scumbags like this should be put to death immediately, so that taxpayers don't have to pay for them to eat, their shelter or to support extracurricular activities like painting.

RoadRage

Jaywalking, Murder ... Six in one hand ...

Don't get me wrong. I have all the respect in the world for police officers. For the most part, they put their lives on the line to protect their communities, and they receive relatively low pay for doing it.

My problem is that with all of the major crimes they have to deal with, why do they have to impart their wrath on us jaywalkers, as if we're common criminals?

I was in San Diego a few years ago, talking to my wife on my cell phone, when I came up to a DO NOT WALK signal. I checked both ways and noticed there wasn't a car coming from any direction. I also noticed that if I had fallen forward that I would have been across the street. So, I took my life in to my own hands and headed across the vast thoroughfare.

I wasn't more than two feet past the street when I heard the siren. A cop was pulling me over -- on foot. I was still talking to my wife and kept walking because, being from Chicago, I had no idea that the siren was turned on because I crossed the street.

The cop comes up to me and tells me about my serious infraction, but what he was most upset about was that I did it right in front of him with a large group of people around -- he said he was basically forced to stop me. I let him know I was from Chicago and that if I didn't cross the street against a red light there, that even the cops would think I'm an idiot.

It turned out he was cool about it -- he had me come by his car and acted like he was writing me a ticket, so that the rubber necks wouldn't think I was getting special treatment.

My question is, why even write a ticket? I'm not from California, and there was no way I was going to pay the ticket if I was given one. What would they have done? Put a Denver Boot on my foot, so that I couldn't walk anywhere? And, my guess is the state of Illinois wouldn't have extradited me back to California to face the charges, so why even bother.

It's time to take jaywalking off the rule books, and make people responsible for their own actions. If they are dumb enough to get hit while crossing the street, let them deal with the consequences.

RoadRage

Ding! Want to Control Your Kids?

Kudos to you, Southwest Airlines! On behalf of the millions of people who take to the skies every day I salute you for taking a stand against rogue brats running the aisles on a flight, terrorizing other passengers.

Over the Independence Day weekend a mother, her sister and their litter of four little demons were refused to board their connecting flight from Phoenix to Seattle because passengers and crew complained of the kids' behavior on the plane. The "flight from hell," as one passenger described it, included the miscreants running up and down the aisles, moving around the plane when the seat belt light was on and yelling and screaming.

The mother complained that this was foul play by Southwest.

Foul play? You are outed to the 100+ passengers and crew--and most likely hundreds of people in gate areas and other flights on your trip--as a less than qualified parent and rather than taking stock of what happened, you run to the media with your story so millions, including Judge Smails and the other innocent bystanders of poor parenting on flights every day can also know you by name? Setting a perfect example for those little terrors of yours and proof that you are not fit to be a parent.

Further to making passengers' lives hell for the duration of a flight, the actions of kids--and lack of action by parents--like these are nothing short of a high risk to the airlines. Let's suppose a little Johnny goes running up and down and aisle spills a cup of coffee on a passenger in an aisle seat or runs into the drink cart and gets hot coffee or tea spilled on themselves? You know who would suffer the wrath and have to pony up the money in the court settlement? Southwest.

Southwest has always been an airline to take risks, which have sometimes been controversial but have always paid off. They instituted the policy for people with ample carriages having to pay for two seats. They were the first airline to advertise after 9/11. They also air their daily trials and tribulations on a reality TV show.

All of these things, to Smails and the rest of us who travel regularly for business, pale in comparison to the stand Southwest took over the weekend. I can only hope that other airlines develop Time Out policies for parents with misbehaving children, with penalties ranging from being refused to board a plane to fines and even airport jail time. Maybe then these parents will start to see the errors of their ways and put some controls on their kids.

And if that doesn't work, there's always the gas chamber. Smails has sent kids younger than these to the gas chamber. I didn't have to. I felt I owed it to them.

Dial 2-K-Sports for Murder

Take Two Interactive is the target of much criticism from parent groups and politicians for their best-selling video game series Grand Theft Auto.

The game puts the player in a scenario of completing a number of tasks, and rewards them for criminal activity. Players can blow up police cars, run over pedestrians with their car, and help drug dealers do business, among other things.

I am not a fan of the game, but I don't criticize Take Two for developing it-- the game makes them millions, and it's really up to parents to keep GTA out of their kids' hands. It's rated as a mature game, and is marketed as such.

My problem with Take Two is that they are also the developer of the All-Pro Football series, under their 2K Sports division. Since the company doesn't have an NFL license, they can't make a football game that includes current players and teams, so All-Pro uses Hall of Famers and other retired players on teams developed by Take Two's staff.

In last year's game, they decided to include O.J. Simpson, which made me launch my own personal boycott on the game. You see, I don't have a problem with people pretending to be murderers in a game like Grand Theft Auto, but I object to gamers having to play as real murderers when they are on the grid iron.

I'm assuming that O.J. made money by allowing Take Two to use his likeness, and I didn't want to indirectly put money in O.J.'s pocket, so I refused to buy the game. And, if he's in the 2009 version, I will refuse to buy that game as well. O.J. has made the lives of Nicole Brown's family (and others) suck, and his efforts to make money should not be supported.

And, to bring the point home on how ludicrous it was to include O.J. Simpson in this game, here's an eerie video of All-Pro Football 2K8 on YouTube -- with Simpson, fittingly enough, playing on a team called the Assassins.

Another Member of Pathological Liars Anonymous

Whenever Smails refreshes his resume for a judicial posting, he is often encouraged by peers to "cook the books" a bit, because recruiters want to see a bit more leadership examples versus humble honesty. Smails will go on the record as saying he has never lied or left misleading statements on a resume, but wording up has not been an issue either.

The main concern? If you lie on your resume, you are essentially lying about who you are, which is something that will be found out in due time after you have started the new job. This would surely lead to a dismissal.

So it struck me funny this morning when I saw the headline about Chicago State University's head baseball coach, whose resume as it turns out was rife with lies--wallopers to say the least. According to the ousted coach Husain Mamoud, he was drafted by the Cincinnati Reds, held a punting record at his college, played for the now-defunct Chicago Fire professional football team and was even a league-leading quarterback for the Continental Football League. All of these accomplishments, as it turns out, were lies.

And it's not like Mahmoud is alone in this pool.

George O'Leary was fired as Notre Dame's head football coach days after being hired for the position after it was discovered that he lied on his resume--Rudy Reutteger is still spinning in his grave.

Washington State University head baseball coach Donnie Marbut was caught in his own web of lies on his resume, as he massaged his academic credentials.

These are but two examples, and both in the sports world. You can find other top resume liars here.

I will never cease to understand why people lie about who they are. I have experienced this in both my personal and professional relationships and it simply turned my stomach each time. Be it saying you played football at the collegiate level or taking on the life and personality of someone else, a la Single White Female, when you lie about who you are to people, unless you have absolutely no conscience, you have put yourself into a world of complete and total mistrust. Remember the boy who cried wolf?

Perhaps your wife, Morgan Fairchild, will.

Beware the Wrath of the Rent-a-Cop

What is it with security guards? Whether they work at malls, offices, or subdivisions, they seem to always feel that every minor infraction that pops up is their opportunity to save the world.

There are a pair of these "Rent-a-Cops" at my parents' subdivision, and they have no bigger duty than to make sure that people who live outside the subdivision don't use their pool. They are there every 15 minutes to make sure that people have their pool passes, and if they don't, it's cause enough to call in the SWAT team. Why should the subdivision residents be subjected to other people having fun? Good thing they are always there to end such a sickening display by kicking them out immediately -- even though no residents are currently using the pool.

And it doesn't end there. Whenever there's a party, the Rent-a-Cops are always there to make sure people don't crowd the streets with parked cars, even though there's no written rules in the subdivision law book that say people can't park their cars on the streets.

Ahh, Rent-a-Cops, will you ever stop making the world suck, and start enjoying life a little bit more? Take your job for what it is -- mostly a way to have a paying job once you retire from serving your community as a real cop, and nothing more. And, hey, why don't you take a dip in the pool yourself once in a while. Instead of coming pool side packing heat, you might then realize why people enjoy it so much.

RoadRage

#9 Suckiest Person -- Andrew Jackson

It isn't discussed much in history classes, but Andrew Jackson was indirectly responsible for the genocide of the American Indian.

When Jackson became president in 1829, one of the first laws he enacted was the Indian Removal Act. Basically, it gave the U.S. government the right to "negotiate" treaties with the Indians and to relocate them to territories west of the then-currently organized states.

One of the deadly results of the Indian Removal Act was the Trail of Tears, when 7,000 Indians were force to relocate out of Georgia at gunpoint, resulting in the deaths of 4,000 Cherokees. The Trail of Tears occurred under Martin Van Buren's presidency, but it was a direct result of the Indian Removal Act.

While the Trail of Tears alone would earn Jackson his place on RoadRage's Top Ten Suckiest People List, the Indian Removal Act set a precedent for U.S.-Indian relations from that point forward -- a precedent that enabled the stealing of their lands and the development of treaties that would never be honored.

Jackson's actions have been rationalized by historians, who say that these actions were needed to squelch the bloody battles between white Americans and Indians. Call me crazy, but if someone was threatening to take over my land after my family had been on it, uninterrupted, for centuries, that might raise my ire as well. The battles could have ended a lot sooner had Americans treated the Indians as they should have been -- first and foremost as people, and, secondly, as the rightful property owners of this land -- not a problem that had to be resolved with forced relocation.

It's time to take Jackson off the $20 bill and replace him with a more deserving president, like Theodore Roosevelt.

Drumroll ... #10 in RoadRage's top ten list of suckiest people of all time

Being the 4th of July, I thought this would be a perfect time to start the first special series on our People Suck blog -- The Top 10 Suckiest People of All Time.

These are the most vile, despicable people of all-time -- those whose mere presence on this world made life miserable for millions of other people.So, with no further ado, I give you #10:
Steve Garvey.



I know what you're thinking: How can a baseball player be on this list? But, if you're a Cub fan, there's no explanation necessary. On October 6, 1984, Steve Garvey broke the hearts of millions of Cubs fans across the country when he drove in five runs, and hit a two-run, walk-off home run to beat the Cubs and tie the best-of-five National League Championship Series. The next day, the Padres would beat the Cubs 6-3and the Cubs 39-year World Series drought would continue.

In the coming days, I'll reveal the rest of this list, which will include some of the most despicable people the world has ever known -- despots, dictators, mass murderers, traders, etc. -- but Steve Garvey is the only one to have a direct impact on my life, and it's therapeutic for me to include him on this list.

Plus, besides ruining my young baseball hopes, it turns out he's a scumbag in his personal life, having fathered children with two other women in addition to the children he fathered with his own wife. But, I shouldn't be too hard on the guy -- my guess is that he just wanted to bulk up the ranks of the Steve Garvey fan club. With his four children, I think it's now up to six people.

Steve Garvey, you suck!

RoadRage

Major League Umpires: The Lowest form of Life

I watch baseball almost every day during the summer, and you know what, I never tune in to watch an umpire. Yet, there are some umpires in the league who think that's precisely why people watch baseball.

They exaggerate their strike out calls. When runners are called out at first, they have their own set of theatrics that are more annoying than watching a Barry Bonds pose after a sure home run. And, if the last play of the game is a strike out, they do their best impersonation of Leslie Nielsen in Naked Gun. But, for some reason it's against the rules to throw a brush back pitch at an umpire.

Aside from the theatrics, what really makes today's umpires suck is that they go through the game looking for trouble, in order to become the center of attention. They seem to make bad calls to get players and managers riled up, so that they can be part of a confrontation and the cameras focus on them.

Case in point, check out this video on You Tube, where the home plate ump bumps Mets manager Jerry Manuel. The ump is supposed to remain calm at all times, and is not supposed to egg on players/coaches that confront him, yet it's happening more and more these days. I've watched Cubs games where the ump is behind home plate, pulls off his mask and walks towards the Cub bench to yell at manager Lou Piniella. And just two weeks ago, Aramis Ramirez was questioning a call, and the home plate ump whips off his mask, moves towards Ramirez, and clearly says "You gotta problem?"

These ass clowns need to sit back, do their jobs and stop making the National Pastime suck. The best umpires are the ones you don't know.

RoadRage

Not responsible for punching you in the face

I was at my gym today and noticed a sign in the locker room that said the company is "not responsible for lost or stolen property."

How is that possible? There are locks on every locker, which means that the only people who can get into my locker are those who have lock cutters.

Now, I have never seen anyone enter our gym with a pair of lock cutters, but I'm guessing that they would be stopped before entering the locker room, so that means management would be the only people who could actually steal anything. So, in my mind, that makes them responsible.

I wonder what would happen if anything was stolen. Would the gym actually be held responsible? I know that if a kid was playing in the tree in my front yard while I wasn't home and fell to the ground, that I would be liable -- so if I hang up a sign that says "not responsible for your dumbass kids falling out of my tree," am I off the hook?

And, if that works, you can start wearing signs that remove responsibility for everything you do.

-- When your kid goes to court for drug use - "Not responsible for my kid's stupidity."
-- When you cheat on your wife or husband -- "Not responsible for being horny."
-- When you run a forklift into a shelving unit at work - "Not responsible for being drunk at work"
-- When you voted for Bush -- "Not responsible for President's dumbitivity."

Maybe those gym managers are on to something.

Thanks, Ped Egg

Late night infomercials are supposed to make us feel less than adequate about our financial status, the size of our penis and the fact that we can't score hot chicks on the phone without calling some 1-900 number.

Well, thanks to the pricks who invented the Ped Egg, Judge Smails has gone from showing his engorged penis and inflated bank book to some call center chick in India calling herself the sexy Ramona from Los Angeles to never wanting grated cheese again.

For those of you who don't know about it, the Ped Egg is the latest craze sweeping the nation. It's an egg-shaped, hand-held device with a tiny cheese grater on it for people with icky feet to scrape away all that unwanted skin. It's mobility means tootsie shavers can do this anywhere, at any time, including in front of YOU.

The image used with this blog posting demonstrates just that. These women shouldn't be shaving their feet in front of each other. They should be fulfilling the fantasies of every man--making us sandwiches and bringing us beer.

The commercial for this product even encourages people to perform this act in all areas of the house. Forever burned in my brain is the image of the dude in his button-up shirt and slacks, whittling down his bunions on his sofa, with his chick right there; she smiling.

Making matters worse, as if we didn't know what the Soylent Green shavings would look like, they empty out the Ped Egg for us to see the grated person left behind.

So, thanks to the nimrods at TeleBrands, purveyors of the Ped Egg, Judge Smails can no longer stomach grated parmesan cheese.

What's next? The marketing think tank at Taco Bell coming up with the Dirty Diaper Bean Burrito, where you undo the taped edges to reveal the beany goodness?

Get bent, TeleBrands and your minions of hoof scrapers!

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick the person you drive next to

I have at least a 45-minute drive to and from work every day. Bumper-to-bumper traffic and drivers who go 15 miles under the speed limit really make my blood boil.

But, what makes it even worse is seeing someone going elbow deep in their nose for their daily cleaning.

These people just gross me out (I'm looking at you Smails). And, while many women complain that it's always men who are doing the deed -- nose picking is an equal opportunity pastime, judging from what I see on the nation's highways.

And, why does it have to happen in the car? I never see people gasping for air while they are driving, so I'm guessing in almost all cases, it isn't an emergency.

How hard is it to wait until you get home to clean out your nose? That way you can take care of it however you want -- whether it's blowing your nose, spitting, digging with a Kleenex or just going for the straight, classic pick. As long as you're not grossing me out, I could care less how you do it -- just keep the drive home clean, and stop making my ride suck!

RoadRage

Quit smoking! I did. Now you suck!

I have never smoked, but I grew up with a family of smokers and have had a lot of friends who have smoked. I have always felt it was my duty to annoy the hell out of the smokers I care about to get them to stop.

What ticks me off are ex-smokers who come down on people who haven't given it up yet.

These ex-smokers that I have seen don't come down on current smokers because they care about their physical health. Those who are worried about falling back into the habit themselves, are usually pretty nice about it. It's the others -- those who all of a sudden find smoking disgusting -- that are really over the top ass clowns.

They say things like: "How can you smoke in the house around other people? Why do you have to get up to leave the table to smoke every two minutes; can't you wait? Don't you care about what you are doing to others with your second-hand smoke?" and "Smokers are disgusting. Oh, you smoke ... sorry, but you're disgusting." But my favorite is when they say, "Look at what you are doing to the other members of your family." Classic -- all of a sudden they care about the affect of smoking on people close to them.

Funny how these ex-smokers never thought twice about what they were doing when they were turning their lungs black and ignoring the Surgeon General's warning on the side of their third pack of cigarettes for the day.

For you pious ex-smokers out there, it's not the smokers who suck, it's you!

RoadRage

Dude, We're So High

How was it we lost so many jobs to China, watched our nation go to war based on lies and leave our kids' generation to foot the bill, sit back as oil companies decimate our economy to fill their pockets, and the middle class squeeze now is worse than ever.

As it turns out, America, you were high. Dude.

According to the World Health Organization, we lead the world in drug use. We're number one! We're number one! We're number.... huh? Dude, you're harshing my buzz. Where were we? Oh, yeah. The Planet of the Apes was without a doubt the best depiction of humanistic apes on screen ever....

That's right. We are way too high to care. According to the study, 16 percent of Americans admitted to using cocaine--**five percent represented by Goldman Sachs employees and Camp David. Sixteen percent may not seem like a lot, but when you note that the next coutry was New Zealand at just a sniff over four percent, you've got a frontrunner to be proud of, America!

Since cocaine is more the white collar drug, let's bring it down to street level with wacky weedus. In this category we barely beat out New Zealand for the lead, at 42 to 41 percent, but methinks with the U.S. economy dropping some cocaine users will shift over to Mary Jane, so watch for a jump in that lead when the survey is next conducted.

Ah, America. Land of the High, Home of the Hungry for the Munchies.

In other news, A&E announced the pickup of Intervention for the next two decades.

**Depicts blogger's own data.