Et tu Barack? Et tu?

Why Barack, why? I read last week about Barack donating $2,300 to Hillary Clinton's campaign to help pay off her debt from her failed run for the presidency. Then he took it a step further to encourage his supporters to do the same.

Fine, Barack, don't kick Billary while she's down, but why are you playing politics now?

One of the reasons people are voting for Barack is his Jefferson Smith (reference: Mr. Smith Goes to Washington) quality. He's the anti-politician; he hasn't been in DC long enough to be corrupted by the other crooks that populate our nation's Capitol.

I guess that line of thinking is a little naive, but this feigned support for Hillary just rubbed me the wrong way. What's next? Red Sox fans embracing Yankee fans -- joining together in a rousing rendition of Kumbaya?

Hillary made her bed, now she should lie in it. Something tells me that she's not hurting for money, and that if she wants to go on a speaking tour that she can make up the money she lost in less than six months.

What scares me, is that I hope this buddy-buddy crap their playing off for the public doesn't lead to what they were calling the "Dream Ticket" of Barack and Hillary just a few months ago (remember when Hillary offered the vice presidency to Barack while she was trailing in the primaries -- classic).

Hillary on the Democratic ticket -- yeah, that's all I need is another reason not to vote.

Barack, do yourself a favor and separate yourself from the Clintons. You don't need them to get votes, and my guess is that you will alienate more voters than you attract if she is selected as your running mate.

RoadRage

Mr. Drug Addict, you're my hero!

Kudos to Former Cincinnati Red and current Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton (pictured) for coming back from his drug addiction to become a pretty good Major League baseball player. But make no mistake. Despite what Peter Gammons and other sportscasters say, Josh Hamilton is no hero.

Hamilton did not lose three years of his career to cancer or a debilitating injury -- it was from a self-induced drug addiction. While it's hard to come out of the grips from an addiction, it always starts with individual choice. Hamilton made the choice to do drugs the first time, and eventually he became an addict.

It's an insult to put Hamilton in the same category as true sports heroes like Lance Armstrong, Alonzo Mourning, Andres Gallaraga, John Lester and others who beat cancer to come back and have an impact on their sport. They had no choice. They confronted a deadly disease, stared it down and came out on top.

Go ahead and applaud Hamilton for what he has done, and for his play on the field, but please don't hero worship him -- he doesn't deserve it.

Goodbye Route 66

Discovering the U.S. -- another casualty of the oil industry and hedge fund investors.

Remember when you were younger and you can just jump in the car with a group of friends and go for a long drive to discover new parts of the country you hadn't seen before? Or the summer family vacation where you would head across country to meet with family and friends.

Aunt RoadRage and I were talking about the rising oil prices the other day, and she brought this up to me. I hadn't even thought about it, but she's right.

When I was a kid, we used to always look forward to the rare trips we would take to our cousins' houses in Ohio and Michigan, and then when I was old enough to drive, my buddies and I would travel to different ball parks around the country; not only because we are huge baseball fans, but to experience what it was like in other cities, and to meet new people. (Boston was my favorite place to visit, by the way.)

Next month, my family is going to go to Myrtle Beach, and having to take the van, it will cost us more than $600 in gas. Facing that kind of gas bill, I'm pretty confident that this will be our last trip for a long time, and it's a shame.

I really gained an appreciation and sense of pride in our country from my experiences on the road, and it's upsetting that my kids won't get the same chance. And, this is all because hedge fund investors. oil industry leaders and politicians collude to make Americans think there is an oil supply shortage, so that they can line their pockets with the riches that high oil prices can bring. These people are really sucking the fun out of being an American, and whoever is elected this year has to turn things around.

What has been the biggest impact for you with the absurd cost of gas?

Kids These Days

What do you get when you add a wiry dumbass, a roided-up mute, a digital video camera and the town toadie?

This:

Grand Theft Dumbasses

I was watching the news tonight, when I got up to get a glass of water. As I was walking away, they were teasing their next story, saying that some kids from New York were in trouble for emulating a popular video game.

I was hoping that the delinquents were big fans of Smurf: Rescue in Gargamel's Castle, and they were in trouble for knocking over city property as they jumped obstacles to save their fair Smurfette. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

These four geniuses were in fact assaulting innocent bystanders -- using makeshift weapons to attack a man outside a grocery store, then a woman who was sitting in her car. And, of course, after being arrested, they blamed the video game Grand Theft Auto. That makes sense, because as anyone who has ever played video games knows, they are filled with subliminal messages telling players that copying what they do in video games in real life is just plain fun.

The group (ranging in age from 14-17) will be charged as adults, but how do you punish this type of idiocy? Simple jail time is not enough.

On top of the 5-10 years hard time they should receive, their days should be filled with watching wholesome shows like The Wiggles, Suite Life and Family Matters. If after that they make it through their full sentence without committing suicide, they would have earned their place back in society.

Come to think of it, jail time on top of being forced to watch those three shows may be viewed as a little too excessive.

How About Parkin' Those Tootsies In Some Shoes?

It’s that time of year again! The cold and rain has been replaced by warm, sunshiny days… and the regular view of every podiatrists’ wet dream on pretty much a daily basis.

Listen, I understand that those of you with ugly feet may be doing your ego and stepping out from behind your insecurities, but, heavens, could you please keep your carnival toes to yourself when in the general public? Some of us have appetites and sex drives we want to maintain.

If your toes look like a handful of salted-in-shell peanuts, you need to keep them in a shoe, rather than spread across an open-toe sandal, making your piggies look like a still shot of tiny wild horse breaking for freedom.

Spoiler alert. If you don’t know you have ugly feet, you have ugly feet.

On the plus side, you may have America’s introverts now looking you in the eye when they talk to you, but have you seen your face?

Alright!

Don't want to hear it from me? How about Tony Bennett?

Charlton Heston Must Be Spinning in His... Oh, Never Mind

Ready... Aim... Aw, fuck!

Score one more for the gun nuts. Grasping at a Constitutional amendment more than 200 years old and riding on the coattails of a gun nut in Antonin Scalia, the Supreme Court overturned a Washington, D.C., law banning the sale of handguns and assault rifles in the district, with the score 5-4.

Now that the trigger-heads got that one overruled, court papers are being filed in Chicago to overturn it's own handgun/assault rifle law. How did we celebrate in Chicago? With nine shootings in the city overnight. Beautiful.

The NRAers out there can come out and say this is why they need handguns. Really? Are you out there policing the streets and preventing the innocent bystanders--mostly kids--being caught in the crossfire? Nope. You're probably barricading your tiny-penis self in your basement with your gun collection, just waiting for the militia to be formed.

Guns are final. When someone gets into an altercation with someone and tempers flare out of control, a gun does not allow for cooler heads to prevail--it provides a cooler body to be tagged and bagged. What I fail to understand is just how influential gun lobbyists are with politicians and why regular Americans don't take a stand against these nimrods.

Sure, their high-priced attorneys and paid spokespeople are going to spin this as being an infringement on their Constitutional rights, but c'mon, people! The Constitution is one of the most outdated documents in the world. Even the smallest nonprofit organizations review their bylaws every one to two years and make adjustments for the times. When the Constitution was written, the right to bear arms was there because we were still a nation in its infancy and one pretty regularly under attack and without organized police patrols.

The most recent attacks on our homeland--911 and the oil lords regular rapings--couldn't have been prevented with handguns, and I am pretty certain we have police in just about every jurisdiction, even after Bush bankrupted all the states in 2001, forcing many police forces to be trimmed back. So, what's the militia for? Hm? Thought so.

As Chicago Mayor Richard Daley noted in a press briefing yesterday, isn't it interesting that you can't bring a gun into an airport, public building, on a bus, etc., but you can walk around the streets with one. For what? I guess as Homer would say, "Gotta shoot something."

So the next time we have a Columbine or Virgina Tech--those guns were obtained legally--remember our Supreme Court and the gun lobbyists who have bent over backwards to dishevel our nation and put us in harm's way.

In closing. Since Heston's hands are pretty much cold and dead, can I have his gun now? I may need it.

Just so you know, the following show legally purchased handguns and assault weapons and their aftermath. Ah, the Second Amendment....

Oh Great ... Born Agains

I have been a Christian my whole life. I've never bugged anyone with my beliefs, and if someone else is Jewish, Muslim, or any other religion, I don't bash them over the head with my views telling them they're wrong for having different beliefs than mine.

So. why is it that when someone is a Born Again Christian, they take it upon themselves to bash the religious views of everyone else, including those that share their views -- just not to the annoying level that they do?

One time, one of these Born Agains came up and asked me if I have accepted Jesus as my personal savior. My response: "Of course. Now get out of my face before I kick you to the curb, jackass!"

I mean, c'mon. Is there anything more annoying than having a complete stranger come up to you to talk about religion? If there's a purgatory for people who bug the shit out of you, the Born Agains can fill up the East wing for eternity.

Manage Your Franks and Beans

When you are on a crowded train, personal space is at a premium, but still people keep some level of coordination to their bodies when all smooshed together. Well, all but possibly the clown on my train yesterday, who was standing in the aisle of the train and kept hitting the guy sitting in front of me in the shoulder with his crotch.

At first Judge Smails had a good laugh about it, until Franks-and-Beans got shoved back one row at the next stop... to where I was sitting. The moron did the same thing to me. I had to lean over like I had scoliosis for the rest of the trip in order to avoid getting rubbed by Johnny and the gang.

I must have taken the train home with his sister, who, even though there was plenty of room in front of her, kept whomping her J-Lo butt into my thigh.

Perhaps there's something to be said for acting like you suffer from Tourrette's when taking public transportation.

Where have you gone, Sam the Butcher?

Tim Russert was a great broadcaster, and from all reports a great all-around guy. Plus, he was a baseball fan, so there was more than one reason for me to like him.

But, I have to agree with other critics I have heard bemoan the obnoxious amount of coverage that all media outlets dedicated to Russert. He was a great broadcaster, but not a head of state. So, did his death deserve more media coverage than president Gerald Ford received when he died in 2006?

Meanwhile, where was the media when Allan Melvin died earlier this year? That's right, Allan Melvin, star of stage and screen. He won us over in Brady Bunch as Alice's boyfriend Sam the Butcher; then he continued to wow his audience with his excellent portrayal of Barney Hefner in the all-time great comedy All in the Family. Added to that, he voiced dozens of cartoon characters, including Magilla Gorilla.

Allan Melvin's career was more than twice as long as Tim Russert's, yet his death warranted no more than a brief mention at the end of the nightly newscast, and a short obit in the next day's paper.

Tim Russert will definitely be missed, and I wouldn't say the copious coverage of his death sucked, but I wanted to dedicate some space here in the hopes that America's favorite corner butcher, Allan Melvin, won't be forgotten.

I want Cartoon editing O-W-T, Owt!

Classic cartoons were great to watch when I was a kid. I used to see the old Bugs Bunny cartoons from the 1940s when they took on Hitler and the Japanese, promoting the American way of life.

I was also a huge fan of Tom & Jerry, and enjoyed the cartoons with the African-American maid, Mammy Two Shoes.

When I was young, I never questioned race, I just enjoyed the cartoons, and thought they were funny, and I have grown up with no ill-conceived prejudices about people with ethnic backgrounds different than my own.

Unfortunately, expectations of today's families are apparently on the decline. For the past 10 to 15 years, PC editors have either pulled "questionable" cartoons, or have started editing them the way they feel they should be seen.

Gone are the World War II era Bugs Bunny cartoons -- no longer seen on our nation's airwaves. And, Mammy Two Shoes speech has now been edited, so instead of hearing her tell Tom to get "O-w-t, owt," -- you hear "Now, Thomas, what you just did was not nice, and I am going to put you outside." -- or some load of crap like that.

It has become so bad, that a popular Simpsons episode where Homer visits New York was taken off the syndication circuit for four years following 9-11 because censors thought it would be too hard for people to see Homer relieve himself in a bathroom in the World Trade Center.

How pathetic. I don't know who is behind these PC moves, but they should start giving parents in the US a little credit for raising their kids the right way, and assume that if they let their kids watch these cartoons that they will take the time to explain what they are seeing.

You can still see some of these gems, but you have to buy DVDs to get to them. And, kudos to Whoopi Goldberg, who provides an introduction on the Tom & Jerry series of cartoons. She gives a great explanation of why cartoons need to be displayed in their original form -- to show what our culture used to be like and how far we have come as a country. She tells the story of Lillian Randolph, who voiced Mammy Two Shoes (and also starred in It's a Wonderful Life and a number of other movies), and why her performance should be preserved and cherished. And, she reiterates the importance of parents taking the time to discuss these cartoons with their children.

Cartoon censors don't make the world a better place -- they make classic cartoons suck.

Happy Anniversary, Kenny!

Hey Kenny Williams, I hope you're enjoying the Cubs sweep of your beloved White Sox. I just wanted to say Happy One-Day Anniversary of this momentous occasion!

War of Words at the Dumb Ass Corral

Two of the most annoying people I know of are in the news again today.

Skeletor, er ... uh, I mean Don Imus, has stuck his racist foot in his mouth again. During his show today, reporter Warner Wolf was talking about the arrests of another loser, the Dallas Cowboys fallen star Pac-Man Jones, when Imus thought it was pertinent to ask what color Pac-Man Jones is.

As you can see in this blog -- I am color blind. A scumbag is a scumbag is a scumbag in my book, no matter what color they are. Does it matter what color Pac-Man Jones is if he has already been arrested for beating up a female stripper? Of course it doesn't. He is a despicable human being, and shouldn't be allowed to tarnish the NFL any longer, no matter what color he is.

And, the same could be said for Don Imus. From his questions about Jones, and his earlier remarks about the Rutgers women's basketball team, the guy should be out of a job. But, unfortunately, Citadel Broadcasting saw fit to hire him, because he apparently has a following and can make them some coin.

Enter, Al Sharpton. Here's a guy who has made a living being judge, jury and executioner for everything he sees fit to attack. Today, he was quoted as saying about the Imus remarks, "We will determine in the next day or so whether or not his remark warrants direct action on our part."

Give me a break. What is he going to do? I realize he takes credit for getting Imus kicked off CBS Radio, but that was more of a bow to overall public opinion than the threats made by Sharpton.

Imus will be judged by the court of public opinion, again, and as his ratings continue to slide due to his ridiculously stupid, racist comments, he will be off the air soon enough. And, for those of us who can't stand Imus, we can always tune to another station -- which I'm sure everyone can figure out for themselves without Reverend Sharpton getting involved.

As a Reverend, Al Sharpton should be concentrating on more important issues, and not just wait to "ambulance chase" the stories that will get him the most ink.

Don't worry Jerry, I don't want to come to your craphole!

In response to Judge Smails' post expressing his dislike of White Sox fans, I have to say that I don't completely agree with you.

I respect a lot of the true White Sox fans -- those who actually support the team when they are more than three games out of first place, and the very few who buy fitted hats showing their financial support for the Sox, instead of wearing the adjustable "official" White Sox hat with the Pepsi logo on the back.

While I am a die-hard Cubs fan, I used to be a big White Sox fan, too. I cheered for Julio Cruz, Tony Bernazard, Ron Kittle, The Bull, and the others who made Winning Ugly an art form in 1983.

I also enjoyed watching the young team in 1990 as Frank Thomas, Robin Ventura, Jack McDowell, Bobby Thigpen and their crew gave the Oakland A's a run for their money in the old West Division. In fact, I went to the last night game at Old Comiskey and saw the best fireworks show I have ever seen.

My problem started with interleague play in 1997. You'll recall the first two years of interleague play that the Cubs and Sox only played one series each year. In 1997, the Sox played host. I was anxious to see the Cubs finally play the Sox in games that actually counted. The 13 years prior to interleague play, the Cubs and Sox played one game against each other a year in the Crosstown Classic. I think the White Sox won 11 of the 13, and it was basically because they left their starters in most of the game, while the Cubs pulled theirs after one at-bat.

For the first Cubs-Sox series, I was ready to buy tickets to go, and was planning to buy tickets. Unfortunately, Jerry Reinsdorf forced fans to buy tickets to nine other games to have the privilege to attend one Cubs-Sox game. Obviously, this would deter Cubs fans from buying tickets, but less obvious to Jerry, it would force White Sox fans to do the same -- something they weren't apt to do.

When asked why he was requiring fans to buy tickets to nine games, Reinsdorf simply said, "I don't want Cubs fans in Cellular park."

Well, Jerry, your wish came true. I used to go to Sox games all the time, but since his stupid comment, I have only been back to Cellular field for required work functions, and when a friend asked me to go with him -- the ticket was already paid for, as was parking, and I had my son eat before the game, so we didn't have to spend a dime. And, I refuse to financially support the Sox until Reinsdorf sells the team.

People like Reinsdorf are what makes baseball suck. Rather than welcome fans from all walks of life to help fill his park, Jerry rather keep it cozy for the few Sox fans who fill the park, and storm the field to attack umpires from time-to-time.

I Hate Global Warming Fear Mongers!

I am not naive. I realize that global warming is happening, but why do scientists and politicians feel it's their obligation to blame every natural disaster on global warming in order to promote their agenda.

Case in point, a scientist with the NOAA is pinning the recent flooding in the Midwest on global warming. I guess if humans weren't impacting the environment, then we wouldn't have any natural disasters?

First things first, the recent flooding is a classic result of changes in currents in the Pacific Ocean -- which is currently moving from a La Nina pattern to an El Nino one. The heavy rains were actually predictable, and reputable meteorologists, including WFLD's Amy Freeze, have pointed to this pattern shift as the cause for the flooding. The heavy rains should stop over the next couple of weeks, when the shift is completed.

Now, I'm not a scientist or anything, but it seems to me that natural disasters have been occurring since the dawn of time. There was something called the "Ice Age" a long time ago, then from the mid-1400s until 1850, we had what was called, "The Little Ice Age." The Little Ice Age, in addition to a volcano eruption on a small island between Australia and Asia in 1815 actually caused it to snow in Boston for five straight days in June 1816 -- and sporadic snowfall continued there in July and August of that year.

More than a century later, in 1925, the Tri-State Tornado went from Missouri, to Illinois then Indiana. It stayed on the ground for more than 300 miles, and was blamed for nearly 700 deaths. Then in 1936, a record heatwave hit the Midwest that killed more than 5,000 people -- and made the mercury climb to over 100 degrees for 13 straight days in Peoria, IL. Tornadoes and heat waves of this magnitude have not occurred since.

My point is, unusual weather occurrences happen, and while natural disasters have been extreme over the past decade, they're not unprecedented. The issue is that population continues to rise, and homes continue to be built on lands that were once barren, so obviously the natural disasters are going to affect the lives of more people.

Hey scientists, next time it snows more than a foot in Chicago in January -- maybe you should consider that sometimes that happens, and stop scaring the population by pointing fingers at global warming.

"I'd love to stay and chat, but I have the runs."

"Hey RoadRage, you have a minute?" That's how it starts. The person you try to avoid at all costs, comes up and feels like that's the right time to start annoying you with their incessant blathering.

Sometimes, the chit-chat is fine, when you're talking to someone you actually like, or to someone who has something pertinent and interesting to say. Unfortunately, that's rarely the case.

While, I do get easily perturbed by others, and I do write this blog, I do like most of you humans. I try to be decent to people and not show my contempt, so I'm not the kind of person who can just tell someone to shut their cakehole and walk away ... I don't like hurting people's feelings. You have to be smooth in these situations and think of an easy way to get out of the conversation, without making the guy feel bad.

That's why I came up with this gem of an excuse: "I'd love to stay and chat, but I have the runs." Even the most inconsiderate person can't stop you from making your way to the bathroom before the inevitable happens. The trick is you have to sell it -- start walking away quickly, without running, and make sure the person you were talking to sees you go into the bathroom.

That way, you get out of a mundane conversation, and instead of making the guy you were talking to feel like he sucks, he just feels bad for you.

RoadRage

Stop You If You've Said This One Before

Have you ever met one of those people who thinks they are the life of the party and the funniest guy around? And at every social function, they pull out their same routine—one that just isn’t at all funny?

This guy I once knew through a friend used to tell a story or two about the same friend of his, each time doing his “awesome” impersonation of the guy. Each time he would start the story with, “You know how ‘Mark’ talks, right?” And each time, I would say, “Yes,” hoping this passive escape attempt would prevent him from going into the stupid impersonation all over again, but it just wasn’t enough.

He would tell the same story and do the same stupid impersonation to laughs from his chick and her friend and that was it, so I guess he thought that audience was how everyone else felt and that the rest of us were laughing on the inside.

News break. We were dying on the inside.

I don’t understand why completely unfunny people don’t realize they are not funny when they tell a joke or make what they think is funny commentary, to deadpan responses. I could point to it being a Mike Meyers condition of some sort, but the only reason he even gets movies made is because of morons like this who will pay to see them—and then do their impersonations of his characters for all to enjoy.

Aspiring comedians, political talking heads and impersonators, listen up. If your shtick only gets favorable replies from your chick or your mother, while making the skin of the rest of us crawl, keep your routines for just your chick and your mom and spare us. Please.

As Henny Youngman would say, “You have a ready wit. Let me know when it’s ready.”

Sleeping Ugly

Scalped ticket for Cubs-Sox game: $140

Pre-game beers at local sports bar: $87.25

Sleeping soundly in the stands for the first six innings of the ballgame: Priceless

This dude seriously slept through the first six innings. I had to wake him up three times to get past him to go to the bathroom--just one time. He fell back asleep within seconds of me waking him up on my way back to my seat.

It's one thing to get bombed before a game, because, Lord knows, I've done that many times in my day, but to do so when you are obviously older than 30 is a bit too much.

Webebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebe....

There Goes the Neighborhood!

Ah, south siders. The one vacation they can afford this year and it will be their exciting train trip to the north side, where they will act--as per usual--like cousin Eddie to Clark Griswold, overstaying their welcomes and dummying down our neighborhood.

A few things will be certain today. The south suburban forest preserves will be a little cleaner and a little quieter today, the mullet-to-jean-shorts ratio will be at record levels, and the average GPA of the 60657 postal code will drop two full points.

You may condemn me for being a hypocrite for ripping on south siders in a blog post so close to one ripping Kenny Williams for setting a north-south divide. What gives me the right to post such an entry is the fact that I grew up in south suburban moron land and experienced the tremendous levels of ignorance on a first-hand basis. Also, the only person who reads this blog is Road Rage, and I think he would agree with me on south siders.

You'll have nothing and like it!

Kenny Williams: Champion for Peace

On the eve of the Cubs/White Sox weekend series, Sox GM Kenny Williams decided to set a tone for the series, but rather could wind up doing nothing more than inciting riots between over-served Neanderthal south siders and silver-spoon-up-their-ass boneheads from the north and western suburbs.

In an interview yesterday, Williams was quoted as saying about the differences between the north and south sides:

"It is so different. You might as well build a border, a Great Wall of China on Madison, because we are so different. We might as well be in two different cities. The unfortunate thing for me is it's a shame that a certain segment of Chicago refused to enjoy a baseball championship being brought to their city. The only thing I can say is, 'Happy anniversary.'"

Happy anniversary for what, you moron? I checked this weekend in history and can't make the connection. Were you talking about the birthday of West Virginia (warm up the banjos)? Bush vetoing another stem cell research bill? Or is it the race riots in Detroit?

I know you were trying to fire a shot across the boughs of Cubs brass and prickle Cubs fans a bit in advance of the series, but, Kenny, think before you speak. Words like these do nothing more than fan flames between irate fans on both sides and will most likely lead to additional fights in the stands at the game.

It's one thing to rip on the clubhouse, lack of parking, etc., as Ozzie has done, because it's all in good fun. To go with the "with us or against us" spin is nothing short of reckless.

Remember to Wash Behind Your Ears

Hey, New York. Bath day isn’t just Saturday anymore. On a recent business trip, I had to transfer through LaGuardia. Upon exiting my plane at LaGuardia, my nostrils were stung by the lingering smell of spent urine. With the lack of air conditioning in the terminal, the gate area reminded me of the men’s head at Chicago Stadium during one of those warm late series Hawks playoffs games.

What gives with this airport? The last time I was there, in early 2001, there was construction. Today? Still construction. And nothing has improved. This place makes Midway Airport look like Hong Kong International—a daunting task, yet one that New York performs with ease.

As my plane lifted off from the Flushing cesspool, all I could think about were those poor souls who died in the plane crash in November 2001, heading home to Puerto Rico. All they were trying to do is escape to a place with indoor plumbing.

The only highlight of my 90-minute layover was the E-List celebrity spotting.

Settle down there Richard, those balls aren't going anywhere...

When I was a kid, my aunt used to sing a song to me about going to the zoo. One of the verses was, "see all the monkeys with their scritch-scritch-scratching, jumping all around with their scritch-scritch-scratching ..."

Well, much like a zoo, that song unfortunately describes the work place for some people.

For years, I worked with a great guy, but he never concerned himself with the fact that he was in mixed company when he would start scratching his balls. He'd be down there for minutes at a time, scratching and adjusting himself, whether there were women present, clients, or media for that matter.

How do you broach a subject like that when the guy doing it signs your paycheck? "Say boss, you're a great guy, but can you please stop spanking frank in front of our customers?"

It's a hard thing to do, and it makes the workplace suck. You and your colleagues start talking about it. You wonder if he notices he's doing it; you wonder how he couldn't notice after doing it for that long; then you wonder if he's thinks it's part of a mating ritual, since he seems to do it in front of the same women all the time.

If you're a perpetrator of this workplace crime, please be conscientious of your colleagues and employees, and hide yourself behind your big desk before you start working on getting Little Richard back in his proper place.

RoadRage

Helpful Hardware Man?

With the proliferation of the new-age hardware stores -- Home Depot, Menards, Lowe's, etc. -- you think that the best way for the old standbys like Ace and True Value to compete would be to hire competent staff. You'd think that, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you?

Well, that apparently is not the case for Ace Hardware. My wife went in to Ace tonight to pick up a spark plug for our lawn mower. Truth be told, I wouldn't know what spark plug to get for the mower either ... but these are paid professionals who earn the big bucks (upwords around $8.50/hour), because they have this hardware know-how.

She first went to find the spark plug in the store, and the place was a mess. They didn't have the plug she needed, so she picked up the expensive, $10 version. She then went to the service desk to ask for assistance to see if she had other options, toting the manual for the mower that told her exactly which spark plug she needed. The service desk called for someone with expertise on the subject, and Joe called up front to say he'd be right up to "help."

Unfortunately, Joe didn't know the first thing about spark plugs. My wife showed him what she needed and he said he had to get "the book" to find out what plug she needed. A half hour later, Joe returns to tell her she needed the $10 spark plug she had in her hand. Gee, thanks Joe ... you're alright.

To top it off, she told Joe that her brother told her we needed a spark plug wrench, and she asked which one she should get. His response: "Where's your brother?" -- because he didn't know which one she should buy. My wife now says she's done with Ace.

Don't blame the behemoth hardware store for knocking the little guy out of business -- look within your company to see how you can improve in order to compete. I like old school hardware stores myself -- that is, if I am forced to go. But, why would you go to the little corner store if they don't have the helpful hardware man that John Madden promised me.

John Madden you suck!

RoadRage

Can I get my money back if I don't die tomorrow?

When is the last time you visited your car and/or house insurance salesperson?

Ours wants us to go in to see him this week to talk about our coverage options, but I'm not looking forward to it.

Last time I went to see an insurance salesperson, we had just bought a car in 2004. We already had full coverage on both of our cars, and enough insurance on our home, so I was wondering what else he wanted to sell us.

This was the first time I met the guy, and right away he goes into a sales pitch on how we should start investing in life insurance. My wife and I were both 32-years-old at the time. But, we do have the house and two kids, so life insurance is a good idea.

I didn't have a problem with life insurance exactly, it was more of the sales pitch that bugged me.

I can't remember the guy's name, but let's call him James. He was in his late 40s, but looked around 70-years-old. And as he starts talking about life insurance, he says, "You can be dead tomorrow." (Great ice breaker).

I guess it was feasible -- a 32-year-old with no history of serious health problems could drop dead all of a sudden within the next 24 hours, get in a deadly car accident, get hit by a car, struck by lightning, or some other calamity. But, hey, I'm a risk taker, and I figured I might live through the next day, so I turned it down.

I had plenty of life insurance through my employer at the time anyway, but I might have been a little more interested in purchasing more from James if he didn't have an ash tray full of cigarette butts sitting on his desk, tipped the scales at around 350 pounds and wasn't hacking through his whole presentation.

Knowing that he was around 50, and comparing him to the physical condition I was in at the time, I figured the chances at me living at least another 18 years were pretty good.

So, quick tip for State Farm, Country Companies and the other insurance companies -- when you're selling life insurance, have salespeople who at least look like they might live past 60-years -old.

Oh Wil Wheaton, Why dost thou sucketh so?

Why does Wil Wheaton's suckiness keep coming back to haunt me. First I saw him in the miserably-overrated Stand by Me, in which his lack of acting talent ruined a half-decent film; then I had to watch him butcher scenes for five long seasons on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Having thought that I could finally move on to a Wil Wheaton-less life, I was pulled back in to his web of suckiness today.

I sent a friend of mine a link to the People Suck blog, and she reciprocated, sending me the link to hers. I was reading her latest posts. It's a pretty entertaining blog, but then I noticed on the right hand side of her page a frickin' picture of Wil Wheaton. I asked her about it, thinking that someone had plagued her site with the latest Wil Wheaton virus, but she actually put it up there herself. Then she tells me that Mr. Wheaton actually has a blog of his own. His opening quote on the blog: "Don't be a dick." Sorry Wil, but you bring the worst out of me.

I guess I snapped when I saw his blog post praising his own acting on Stand by Me. Granted, some people think he did a bang-up job in that movie, but who goes on the web to praise their own work. I guess my next post will be on how great this blog is. Here's a taste of what's to come:

"RoadRage, this is one great Blog. It's so creative and witty, I can't imagine a more entertaining blog."

"Gee, thanks RoadRage. I appreciate it."

"No problem, RoadRage."

Nah, I think I'll skip that post.

On top of that egotistical post, I also found out that Wil Wheaton is an author, so he's now polluting our bookstores. His book, The Happiest Days of Our Lives, is a self-professed tale of him growing up as a geek. I can think of at least five better titles for a Wil Wheaton novella:

1. Coming out of the Closet in Space

2. How to be Loved on Every Planet with Humanoid Life, Except Earth

3. The Power of One ... to Annoy the Shit out of Everyone Else

4. I was Great in Stand By Me, and Other Self-Observations by Wil Wheaton

5. Lord of the Geeks: How a Ten Year Film and TV Career Almost Got me Laid

Now that I have that out of my system, I'm going to try to pursue my Wheaton-less life once again.

Target Practice!

I'm surprised I haven't blogged about this yet ... but I was reminded this weekend why I hate public bathrooms so much.

I was at the mall with my son, and I really had to go. So, we found the closest bathroom.

There were five stalls, all open, so I thought my chances were pretty good that I'd find a clean porcelain gem to drop a deuce. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

Toilet one was full, and two through five had so much urine splatter that I had to leave and find another bathroom in the mall (tip: Barnes and Noble stores almost always have the cleanest restrooms).

I can't understand why this happens. First off, there were also eight or nine urinals that could have been used. But, let's assume that they were all taken after a mad rush to Aunt Annie's Pretzels. Even then, why would someone take out their package and use it like a fire hose to make the bathroom unusable for the next guy?

Before you scumbags litter the men's room next time, try some target practice. Go to your backyard, bring a bucket out there, and if you can't take a leak without getting the handle wet, don't leave the house until you can control your bodily functions. Really, it's not that difficult. You know what else isn't that difficult? Flushing the damn toilet when you're done with it. You people make public restrooms suck!

RoadRage

Let them have gum!

Don't let them call you Yuck Mouth ... chew some gum for God's sake.

I used to take the train to work, and would read Dear Abby, and some other advice columns -- as I passed the time. Every once in awhile, I'd see questions from workers asking how to properly tell their colleagues not to chew gum, because chewing gum in the work place is unprofessional. Here's my answer -- shut your cake hole!

Gum chewing is what makes work tolerable. I'm sure everyone has had a coworker that corners them in their cubicle to share the latest office gossip, not realizing that their breath is wicked bad from drinking coffee and smoking all day. People like this are what makes the workplace suck.

Don't get upset when you see one of your coworkers chewing gum, ask them for a piece, because chances are if you're complaining about others chewing gum, you're the one whose breath can knock a buzzard off a shit wagon.

RoadRage

When Boners Go Bad--The Story of the Blue Diamond King and His Harem of Uglies

You ever have one of those years? You know, when at least 10 of the 24 years in which you excelled at what you did--perhaps better than anyone in your craft--are now under scrutiny for you cheating? To make matters worse, the person who outed you for cheating was your supposed best friend? Then, with all the odds stacked against you, including sworn testimony from the person who supplied you with the tools to cheat, you deny, deny, deny? Right, then you lie under oath in front of a Congressional committee.

Does it get worse? Well, if you throw in the possibility of some sick relationship with a 15-year-old aspiring country singer who turned into this, and all this happens on the world stage, you would think, "Boys, it can't get any worse than this." Well, now that you ask.... there was the Manhattan cocktail waitress and some fat, drunk professional golfer's ex-wife. What? Mattingly's wife wasn't hot enough for you?

Not so fast....

A new report on The Rocket indicates he used to stash Viagra in his locker at Yankee Stadium. We'll leave alone the fact that he is 40+ and takes whatever meds he needs to compete with the 20-somethings. Hell, I won't even touch the fact that he had Viagra with him in New York while his wife stayed back home in Houston. Just when I thought it would be impossible for someone to actually out-Palmeiro Palmeiro, we seem to have a winner.

What I want to know is why he would keep boner pills in a room typically filled with sweaty, athletic men? Oh....

You'll get nothing and like it!

Judge Smails

We Should Have Had A VA

While doing some research on the Veterans Administration's (VA) handling of returning vets dealing with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression and suicidal tendencies, I came across a news item and minutes from a recent hearing of the House Committee on Veterans Affairs. The hearing included a scripted testimony from Norma Perez, who ran a VA PTSD program in Texas and was being questioned regarding a leaked email from her, in which she questioned the validity of veterans complaining of the disorder.

How sick is it that someone who is supposed to serve the veterans is not only questioning their reasoning for mental health coverage, but adding scrutiny to a group of men and women who are battling through the stigma of emotional disorders caused by war, to be treated and lead productive lives here at home?

Think what you may will about the reasons for invading Iraq and Afghanistan, there are American men and women dealing with the emotional battles of war on a regular basis, and when they return home, they should be given the coverage they deserve. The A in VA should be for Advocate, but instead, as this email attests, they are being treated like people trying to cheat an insurance system. To intentionally call on your staff to misdiagnose them is nothing short of treasonous and should result in an immediate discharge without pay and a trial with severe punishment, including imprisonment.

And don't stop there. Go higher. Go as high as you can--including the Secretary of Defense and President. If they were good managers, they would see a story like this and call their staff out on the carpet. But this administration is not about protecting its troops--they're about protecting themselves.

I'll give you asthma!

Judge Smails

Catch Me if You Can, Coppers!

So, Judge Smails had a planned date tonight with his wife to see the new Indiana Jones movie--a movie, mind you, which Smails has anticipated for low these 20 years. So Smails darted from his downtown office to the train station to catch his ride home, only to wait.... and wait.... and wait some more for a train to come.

As it turned out, some moron who robbed a store and was being chased down by the store manager and police decided to ditch them at the train tracks, only to be squished like a bug on the tracks, causing the train on my line to be shut down, affecting thousands of passengers for an hour or more. This delayed my trip home and kept me from seeing my movie. Thanks, idiot now in the sky.

So, I can say without any doubt in my mind that we have our first Darwin's Finest Award Winner.

You! You! You!

Judge Smails

George Wallace was right!

While I was perusing the Internet for a news story to use for my last post, I came across an interesting story from CNN/Money on their latest survey.

Apparently. Americans are more worried about gas shortages than the rising cost of gas. As I said in the headline, George Wallace was right -- people are so stupid! All of the negative comments and hyperbole from analysts from Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs, and from oil industry executives who continuously say there is an oil shortage are having the effect that they had hoped for.

Let me explain, so you can understand -- there is no oil or gas shortage, and there's not going to be. The U.S. has more oil in reserves than they have had at any time over the past 15 years, demand over the past two quarters is down compared to the same time the year before -- and demand for oil in the U.S. over the past 20 years has only increased two percent.

When there were real gas shortages in the 1970s and in the 1940s, the government took measures to reduce the use of gas -- rationing in the 40s; reducing the speed limit in the 70s --they aren't doing anything like that now, and there's no discussions about it because there is no gas shortage. Hell, they haven't even dipped into our reserves yet. When you start seeing serious government action to reduce fuel usage, then you can start worrying. Until then, stop being morons!

RoadRage

Senate continues to screw the US

The Senate defeated the latest attempt to reign in the oil industry and its huge profits.

Up for a vote today was a bill that would have charged the oil industry $10 to $12 billion in a windfall profit tax, and would have eliminated the $17 billion in tax breaks the industry has received from the US since 2004. The bill would have also made energy price gouging against the law (isn't that already illegal?).

Not surprisingly, Texas senator Kay Bailey Hutchison was one lawmaker who wasn't going to let that happen -- denouncing it as "pathetic" (classic). Guess she doesn't have any hidden agenda coming from big oil country.

While this bill did have a lot of good points, there was one part that ticked me off -- one regulation would have allowed US lawmakers to sue OPEC for breaking anti-trust laws.

What the hell is the point with that? First off, no litigation would ever hold up, and who would enforce it? Would they go to the World Court in Hague? Apply sanctions that would encourage OPEC nations to not sell oil to the US when China and India can easily buy up their additional supplies? That's a brilliant idea!

Don't dilute the situation by pointing fingers at OPEC -- this problem is homegrown through market speculation, organizations like Morgan Stanley (see my previous post) and the oil industry itself.

It would seem apparent that Congress is going to continue to sit on its hands as the price of oil continues to escalate -- but don't count on that. Remember, this is an election year, so expect our fearless leaders to finally do something by September -- that way each party could claim victory and try to steal the vote in November -- that's why politicians suck!

RoadRage

Timeout for a guy who doesn't suck

Congratulations to Ken Griffey, Jr., who hit his 600th career homer today in the first inning off Mark Hendrickson of the Marlins.

The Kid has been one of the bright spots in baseball since he started with the Seattle Mariners back in 1989. While other sluggers juiced up with steroids through the 1990s and early 2000s to reach historical homerun plateaus, Griffey did it the right way, and has never been mentioned with the steroids scandal.

On top of being a great hitter, he was the best center fielder of our generation, and probably the second best of all time -- behind only Willie Mays.

Griffey has been a role model for younger players and for kids all around the country, and maybe is more deserving than anyone else playing today of a spot in Cooperstown.

Unfortunately, his historical feat reminds us of how much Rafael Palmeiro, Sammy Sosa and the other alleged steroid users all suck.

RoadRage

Benson, you suck!

No, not that Benson ... I'm talking about Cedric Benson. I'm sure you all heard the news by now -- Cedric Benson, the Bears former number one draft pick, was arrested again this weekend after he was caught drinking and driving.

Last month, you'll recall that Benson was arrested after driving a boat while under the influence. Benson is what's wrong with the NFL these days -- all these multi-millionaire kids think they can do whatever they want and get away with it.

Kudos to the Bears for drop kicking this moron to the curb, and kudos to Roger Goodell for taking a tough stance on common criminals like Cedric and Pac-Man Jones. He's doing all he can to clean up the sport, and I hope he's successful.

In the meantime, I'm sure Benson can find a home on the NFL's version of the work-release program, the Cincinnati Bengals.

Benson, you suck!

RoadRage

Clipper Ship?

Just when you think you've seen (and heard) it all, you take the afternoon train home... only to witness some moron (see right) deciding he couldn't wait until he got home to the privacy of his parent's basement to clip his nails.

That's right, folks. We may have found a candidate to one-up the little demon and her lazy mother on the morning ride. Some tool actually spent his time on the train clipping his nails. Making matters even more ridiculous, Mr. Clippy thought that by sitting in a rear area of the train, typically occupied by boozing hobos, the other passengers couldn't hear him. Nice try, dumb ass.

Dooh!

Judge Smails

Pitter-Potter of an Economy in Turmoil

Just when you think the oil cry-sis can't get any worse, the five leading oil-consuming nations got together over the weekend to see how they could fix the problem with the oil-producing scumbags. Their answer? Can you drill more oil for us?

I think it's evident by now that we, especially the U.S., have more oil at our disposal than five years ago. Case in point: three rapings by our governement, at taxpayers' expense and at the financial benefit of Bush's and Cheney's oil buddies. Those three cases, in no particular order?

• Tapping the Alaska pipeline;
• The invasion of Afghanistan and installation of the natural gas pipeline out to sea; and
• Reason for invading Iraq number three: it will save us at the pump.

This is where 50% of the U.S. population does suck, because you continued to back Bush and Cheney as "good men," while their buddies (and they themselves) profit from the pain we continue to feel at the pump.

When you add the ass-clowns at Goldman Sachs, the most active bank in energy investment, predicting a barrel of oil will shoot up to $200 this year, you have to think at least the moderately stupid would jump up and shout, "Collusion!" Too bad that report was muffled by another episode of American Idol.

Not the case? Why? Because some people suck. Now that the president you voted for because in 2000 he promised to control gas prices (You're idiots if you believed a word of it.) is sitting back and watching his buddies anally rape us at the pump and doing nothing about it. Why should he? He's a good man in your eyes.

Hm? Hm?

Judge Smails

Mandate for Corporal Punishment on Transit Systems

I take public transportation to work every day. Cutting through the many neighborhoods between my place and the city center, you cross-section a wide range of people from several demographics, many of whom share some of the same decorum for riding public transportation. As a behaved passenger, as about 95% of us are, you come to know some of the rules of the road/rail:

• Give up your seat for an elderly or differently abled person or mother with a kid(s);


• If a panhandler comes down the aisle, bury your nose in your paper and he will avoid you; and


• No matter how crowded the train may be, when it comes to a stop and you are in the way of the doors for people to get on or off, move your ass a bit to make it easy for everyone to get around you.

This morning on the train I witnessed an infraction which happens all too often and shouldn't need to be listed for anyone.

A lady boarded the train with her four-year-old daughter. The girl took the seat next to a guy minding his business and burying his nose in The Washington Post. Being the active little psycho she was, she spun in her seat and kept bumping into the guy, all while her mother stood in front of her and did not do a thing. The boiling point for me was watching her pull down the top of his paper while he tried to mind his own business. The guy looked up at the mother, who just stared ahead. Nothing done.

As a parent, there is no way in Hell my kid would do this without getting reprimanded. So since some parents are just flat-out idiots, I am calling for a bill to be sponsored on the House floor to institute Corporal Punishment Officers on all public transportation and in grocery stores, malls or other places where parents let their kids go wild. Since some parents still won't learn, if their child is punished, they should be fined or jailed. Doesn't it suck that we have to institute programs to punish parents to raise their kids right? Well, as the blog goes, some people just suck. That's right! They suck!

As a basis for the staffing of these positions, we can start with the overpaid, under-worked brain-starved boobs who man stations four at a time like construction crews at our airport TSA checkpoints.

Alright!

Judge Smails

For Crying out Loud!!

I went to my little girl's dance recital today. During the three hour show, my daughter performed for three minutes. Good times...

Most of the classes were great, and I actually enjoyed the performance. My problem was with the audience. One mom and dad had their whole family there, and their two toddlers started to cry, profusely. With nowhere to go but out, they were stuck at the recital until their kids were able to work through their problems.

Now, I'm a Roman Catholic, and people of other faiths have a lot of well-founded complaints about the Catholic church. But they have got at least one thing right -- the Cry Room. Whenever a baby starts crying enough to disturb the service, their parents bring them to a private room called the Cry Room until they get it all out, saving other parishioners from the annoyance.

I think they should start instituting the Cry Room in every public venue -- movie theaters, restaurants, baseball games and on airplanes, for example. That way parents won't be embarrassed, other attendees/passengers/customers won't be annoyed, and the kid could have a good cry.

Under 17 not admitted

I went and saw the movie Iron Man with my son tonight. It was a great flick, and can pretty much be enjoyed by everyone over nine or 10-years-old.

It reminded me, however, about the time I went with my buddy to see 300. I thought the movie was great, especially seeing it on the big IMAX screen. Unfortunately, I couldn't completely enjoy the movie because right before it started I saw a mom and dad bring in their seven kids (all under the age of ten) to watch the rated-R film.

It's not that I mind watching movies with kids in the theater -- there were plenty at Iron Man tonight. And, in fact, the kids at 300 were all pretty well behaved -- but that was probably due to the fact that they were seeing things they had never seen before -- men dying via decapitation, nudity, and graphic sex scenes.

I really had a problem with the kids being in the theater, because as you can see in the trailer it was clearly made for adults.

I'm 36 now, and maybe I'm just getting old, but to me, kids who aren't old enough to watch most shows on the FOX network, shouldn't be allowed into a movie like 300. So parents, when The Dark Knight comes out later this year, please leave the kiddies at home.

Morgan Stanley Priming the Pump

The suckiest person/people of the day award today goes to Morgan Stanley. While they work to get rich on oil, they are potentially bringing the rest of the country to the brink of an economic depression.

Over the past week, the price of oil has been retreating on the market, closing on Wednesday at under $123/barrel, but with today's historic increase, the price is at a record high of roughly $140/barrel.

Morgan Stanley analysts point to the issue of supply and demand as the cause for the price increase. Keep in mind that oil reserves in the US are at their highest level in 15 years, and that demand has actually dropped over the past two quarters, and has only increased two percent over the last 20 years. More importantly, Morgan Stanley is actually trying to create a supply shortage by stockpiling their own reserves -- reserves they say they won't release until the value of the dollar increases.

Now, how is it ethical or legal for Morgan Stanley analysts to publicly project that the price of oil is going to increase to $150 or $200 a barrel, when they directly benefit from any increase in the cost of oil?

People like this don't just suck, they are morally corrupt and regulations should be put in place to keep them in check.

Pool over!

So, today I go swimming at my gym. There's an Olympic size pool there, and one lane is roped off for people who want to swim laps.

A cute little kid comes in, waiting for her dad, and I'm in the middle of my workout; on my 19th lap. She comes over to grab the life saver and to get in the pool.

Dad comes in, and the little girl decides that the one place she wants to swim is right in the lane I'm in ... not the acre of water that is currently to my left. She throws the life saver right in my path and is getting ready to dive in.

I start swimming, thinking that pops will take the life saver out and bring her to the other side, but that's not the case. The genius seemingly thinks it will be fun to watch me swim around the life presever to see how his daughter will react.

Luckily, the kid has enough common sense not to jump right in, and then dad finally gets her on the other side of the pool, after I give him the, "Aren't you going to do something about this, you moron?" stare.

Then to top off my visit to the gym, one of the ever-present construction workers decides that this would be the perfect time to clear his throat and spit in the middle of the hall way. Good times ...